My Story - A Change
Julie started keeping a diary when she left home to go to boarding school. She tried to keep one at home, but it was found and had made things worse in her life. This is her story from 1995.
16 JANAURY 1995 @ 9PM
'Today, I woke up smelt the fresh air and walked outside. I didn't want breakfast, becasue I was too exited to eat.
I opened my window and looked out and saw cows standing by my window. I am scared what people are going to think of me, are they going to like me. Anyway after that I went to get my school clothes the secretary was really nice. I came back went for a swim and after the swim I came back and slept. Then Pastor Mike came and we walked and spoke and I went to see how big his bird got and also his other birds. Then I walked him to his car and he left. Then I came back to my room and went to sleep. Then around about 4:30pm a friend of mine from the other school came and then I helped her with her things to her room and after that we walked and spoke, it was great. Then I met Jaques and Mark and they asked if we were going to the beach anyway I said yes and Leisl and I went. It was so windy at the beach we went to, it was Cools Bay so then we went to Bikini Beach. I really had fun oh, but of course not when they forced me to eat when Pastor Mike told them I have to eat anyway I ate just because I didn't want to sing in front of all the people. We arrived back from the beach and I met my roommaite who was also a friend from the other school. It was a good day, I can't remember having a good day like I had today, everything seemed perfect.
17 JANAURY 1995 - 9PM
Today, today, today, oh what fun it was today.
I woke up got dressed for school and went to breakfast. Janet and Leisl and I sat together, because we didn't know anyone.
We went to worship after coming from Breakfast and then it was school. We had Chapel first and then went to our rigestered classroom. We sat and spoke and recieved our books and stationery. After that was done school ended at 12am. Then there was lunch at 1pm. After lunch Leisl, Janet and I walked around. Then we were suppose to go to study hour, but because we never had any homework we had no study hour. Then we sat in our rooms and spoke and after that we went to supper and again we had worship again we didn't have study hour, so we went to the students centre and met Stuart and William. Stuart and William are brothers and they are so sweet Staurt is a nice guy, funny too.
Life just seems so much better here, it was another fun day and I didn't have to fear anything. I was too busy enjoying my moment of freedom.
Then that night my heart sunk when I had to go to bed. How was I going to sleep what if the fears come rushing in. I laid in the dark wishing I was my roommate, wishing I could close my eyes and sleep instead I sat and watched as the time went by and it was 3am. Yes I am sitting up writting this with my flashlight on so I don't disturb my roommate. If only I could sleep.
19 JANAUARY - 2 FEBRUARY 1995
Well these few pages of my diary became of how I hate myself. Love and hatred towards myself, towards boys. Hatred towards friends. Friendship being ruined because of the hurt that they inflicted on one another and the cause being boys who interfered in their friendship. I even became unaware of my cousin's birthday and didn't phone her. Lately I have become tired and even getting up in the morning became a burden. I just could not stand this place of perfect teenagers. They were like cats out to get you, always making themselves out to be better then you and the way I was already feeling they were better then me. I felt that because of how I had grown up and what I had could never compete what some of these girls had and grew up with. They were like Princessess and I was the Cinder girl. Leisl knew how much I like this one guy Randy, he was so gorgouse and when I looked again Leisl was going out with him. The relationship didn't last long and he broke up with her. I don't blame him though, how could she go and kiss another guy and where they could get caught too. Well our friendship ended. Janet and I remained friends, but we weren't always together because her best friend was friends with Liesl and they hung out together. Liesl and Janet's best friend were in a grade lower then us. But Janet and I did things together and we even went window shopping and just tried on clothes to see what would look good on us. We even got told to leave the one clothing shop, because we didn't stop. It was fun.
Well I have returned to carry on with my story. I am still in Grade10. The date is 19 April 1995 and the time is 10pm Today was the 1st day of school after we had a holiday. I have a new roommate Elle, she speaks spanish and is in the Language School to learn English. I hope we become friends and she can teach me Spanish and I can help her with her English.
Do you ever wish you had somthing or could be like another person. Have you ever used something of someone's without them knowing. I couldn't believe what I saw she had all different types of perfume, creams, half the stuff I didn't even know what they were for. At times I didn't even have a cheap shampoo to wash my hair, I would use soap and if there was no soap if I had soappowder I would use that to bath in and wash myself. I use to feel so embarrassed when my friends spoke about this product and that product and then the next day they would all have that product except me. I always made an excuse. There were days/months I didn't even have money to go to the movie with my friends. I would make excuses. When we had school photos taken then I'd wish and dream that I could have those memories and the teacher who was a photographer saw that I'd stare as the other kids got them and I was the only one that didn't get it, that he use to put photos together for me and give it to me, well he'd tell me to choose. No one new that I use to lie on my bed and cry myself to sleep. No one new how I felt, how I so wanted to be like them, to have what they had. Girls use to complain about study hour, about the weekend restriction, I found it a blessing a luxury to be able to have time to study. A blessing to be able to do something on the weekends without having to sit in the corner and count my toes. I use to wish I could be those girls. I wish I could have phoned my mom and told her that I was going to the movies can she please put money in my account (what account, I didn't even have that). When the schools had entertainment, I didn't want to go, because I couldn't do what everyone else was doing, but my friends use to drag me along.
Life as a child and teenager was never easy for me. I never had the luxury that most of the kids at my school had. Kids would get the new fashion, I'd get the hand me downs. They would get a radio, I would listen to my own voice. They would get the best expensive shampoos and I would get whatever I could afford or make do with what I had. I relied on strangers to help me. It was tough being the needy. It was tough relying on others to help me.
2nd May 1995 @ 7:55pm
Well it is almost time for study hour and I am bored. I have a running nose and a headache, must have gotten it from Amberly my best friend from home, we always seem to get sick round the same time. School has been so boring there is no fun anymore, maybe it is just because I am not feeling well. The boy I liked was told to leave, because he was caught with drugs, or buying drugs or selling it, I am not sure anymore, there are so many different stories going around. Why do teenager and even adults have to take drugs? Why do they have to ruin their lives? My brother took drugs and he was 20 when he decided to turn his life around and stop taking it. What happened to him, he had a motorbike accident. I miss him like crazy as he was such a good guy, even though he took drugs he was good and he treated me well too. He was my Angel, he listened to me, he protected me from my eldest brother. He let me be a teenager girl, he let me have the nice stuff and when he died all the nice stuff died too. I miss his girlfriend she became a good friend to me and she helped me a lot. She helped me get my ID book. She was in England when my brother died and she went back. She had promised to write to me, but never did. I feel awful, I feel sick and the pain is getting worse and worse, but I am not going to let it stop me from singing, I love singing.
A POEM
I want to be free like a bird,
Like a flower that is blooming.
I want to sing every where
Everywhere I go I want people to hear me sing,
notthe bad, but the good
I want to give everyone I see a huge smile
and tell them that it is ok, life goes on
Just keep your faith and Listen to your heart
16 JANAURY 1995 @ 9PM
'Today, I woke up smelt the fresh air and walked outside. I didn't want breakfast, becasue I was too exited to eat.
I opened my window and looked out and saw cows standing by my window. I am scared what people are going to think of me, are they going to like me. Anyway after that I went to get my school clothes the secretary was really nice. I came back went for a swim and after the swim I came back and slept. Then Pastor Mike came and we walked and spoke and I went to see how big his bird got and also his other birds. Then I walked him to his car and he left. Then I came back to my room and went to sleep. Then around about 4:30pm a friend of mine from the other school came and then I helped her with her things to her room and after that we walked and spoke, it was great. Then I met Jaques and Mark and they asked if we were going to the beach anyway I said yes and Leisl and I went. It was so windy at the beach we went to, it was Cools Bay so then we went to Bikini Beach. I really had fun oh, but of course not when they forced me to eat when Pastor Mike told them I have to eat anyway I ate just because I didn't want to sing in front of all the people. We arrived back from the beach and I met my roommaite who was also a friend from the other school. It was a good day, I can't remember having a good day like I had today, everything seemed perfect.
17 JANAURY 1995 - 9PM
Today, today, today, oh what fun it was today.
I woke up got dressed for school and went to breakfast. Janet and Leisl and I sat together, because we didn't know anyone.
We went to worship after coming from Breakfast and then it was school. We had Chapel first and then went to our rigestered classroom. We sat and spoke and recieved our books and stationery. After that was done school ended at 12am. Then there was lunch at 1pm. After lunch Leisl, Janet and I walked around. Then we were suppose to go to study hour, but because we never had any homework we had no study hour. Then we sat in our rooms and spoke and after that we went to supper and again we had worship again we didn't have study hour, so we went to the students centre and met Stuart and William. Stuart and William are brothers and they are so sweet Staurt is a nice guy, funny too.
Life just seems so much better here, it was another fun day and I didn't have to fear anything. I was too busy enjoying my moment of freedom.
Then that night my heart sunk when I had to go to bed. How was I going to sleep what if the fears come rushing in. I laid in the dark wishing I was my roommate, wishing I could close my eyes and sleep instead I sat and watched as the time went by and it was 3am. Yes I am sitting up writting this with my flashlight on so I don't disturb my roommate. If only I could sleep.
19 JANAUARY - 2 FEBRUARY 1995
Well these few pages of my diary became of how I hate myself. Love and hatred towards myself, towards boys. Hatred towards friends. Friendship being ruined because of the hurt that they inflicted on one another and the cause being boys who interfered in their friendship. I even became unaware of my cousin's birthday and didn't phone her. Lately I have become tired and even getting up in the morning became a burden. I just could not stand this place of perfect teenagers. They were like cats out to get you, always making themselves out to be better then you and the way I was already feeling they were better then me. I felt that because of how I had grown up and what I had could never compete what some of these girls had and grew up with. They were like Princessess and I was the Cinder girl. Leisl knew how much I like this one guy Randy, he was so gorgouse and when I looked again Leisl was going out with him. The relationship didn't last long and he broke up with her. I don't blame him though, how could she go and kiss another guy and where they could get caught too. Well our friendship ended. Janet and I remained friends, but we weren't always together because her best friend was friends with Liesl and they hung out together. Liesl and Janet's best friend were in a grade lower then us. But Janet and I did things together and we even went window shopping and just tried on clothes to see what would look good on us. We even got told to leave the one clothing shop, because we didn't stop. It was fun.
Well I have returned to carry on with my story. I am still in Grade10. The date is 19 April 1995 and the time is 10pm Today was the 1st day of school after we had a holiday. I have a new roommate Elle, she speaks spanish and is in the Language School to learn English. I hope we become friends and she can teach me Spanish and I can help her with her English.
Do you ever wish you had somthing or could be like another person. Have you ever used something of someone's without them knowing. I couldn't believe what I saw she had all different types of perfume, creams, half the stuff I didn't even know what they were for. At times I didn't even have a cheap shampoo to wash my hair, I would use soap and if there was no soap if I had soappowder I would use that to bath in and wash myself. I use to feel so embarrassed when my friends spoke about this product and that product and then the next day they would all have that product except me. I always made an excuse. There were days/months I didn't even have money to go to the movie with my friends. I would make excuses. When we had school photos taken then I'd wish and dream that I could have those memories and the teacher who was a photographer saw that I'd stare as the other kids got them and I was the only one that didn't get it, that he use to put photos together for me and give it to me, well he'd tell me to choose. No one new that I use to lie on my bed and cry myself to sleep. No one new how I felt, how I so wanted to be like them, to have what they had. Girls use to complain about study hour, about the weekend restriction, I found it a blessing a luxury to be able to have time to study. A blessing to be able to do something on the weekends without having to sit in the corner and count my toes. I use to wish I could be those girls. I wish I could have phoned my mom and told her that I was going to the movies can she please put money in my account (what account, I didn't even have that). When the schools had entertainment, I didn't want to go, because I couldn't do what everyone else was doing, but my friends use to drag me along.
Life as a child and teenager was never easy for me. I never had the luxury that most of the kids at my school had. Kids would get the new fashion, I'd get the hand me downs. They would get a radio, I would listen to my own voice. They would get the best expensive shampoos and I would get whatever I could afford or make do with what I had. I relied on strangers to help me. It was tough being the needy. It was tough relying on others to help me.
2nd May 1995 @ 7:55pm
Well it is almost time for study hour and I am bored. I have a running nose and a headache, must have gotten it from Amberly my best friend from home, we always seem to get sick round the same time. School has been so boring there is no fun anymore, maybe it is just because I am not feeling well. The boy I liked was told to leave, because he was caught with drugs, or buying drugs or selling it, I am not sure anymore, there are so many different stories going around. Why do teenager and even adults have to take drugs? Why do they have to ruin their lives? My brother took drugs and he was 20 when he decided to turn his life around and stop taking it. What happened to him, he had a motorbike accident. I miss him like crazy as he was such a good guy, even though he took drugs he was good and he treated me well too. He was my Angel, he listened to me, he protected me from my eldest brother. He let me be a teenager girl, he let me have the nice stuff and when he died all the nice stuff died too. I miss his girlfriend she became a good friend to me and she helped me a lot. She helped me get my ID book. She was in England when my brother died and she went back. She had promised to write to me, but never did. I feel awful, I feel sick and the pain is getting worse and worse, but I am not going to let it stop me from singing, I love singing.
A POEM
I want to be free like a bird,
Like a flower that is blooming.
I want to sing every where
Everywhere I go I want people to hear me sing,
notthe bad, but the good
I want to give everyone I see a huge smile
and tell them that it is ok, life goes on
Just keep your faith and Listen to your heart
posted by DolphinC at
10:45 am
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home