Depression
Do you get depressed?
I feel like I am fighting a battle inside me. The last few days I have felt like the walls are closing in on me. I am angry and the more I think about things the more angrier I get. Chris' First brithday went well. We didn't have a party for him, but we had a cake and a few friends over for supper (nothing fancy), but it was good to have people who care around. I didn't want to admit to my family the main reason why we aren't having a party was because of what happend on Wyatt's birthday (the whole pitching up late), but we also couldn't afford it. Chris was a lucky little boy, for on his birthday, he not only had people who cared and loved him, he was dedicated and the following day he had another party (also not big). The day after the birthday we went through to my family. I wanted to take a cake with, but didn't get one. I did take some sweets, chips and juice with for the kids. My sister got a cake for him and bought some other stuff. We also had a braai. It was really sweet of her and Chris really loved all the attention. He is saying so many words at the moment and is a real parrot, have to watch what one says otherwise he just copies you. I felt depressed that I didn't give Chris what I gave to Wyatt. Even though I was grateful for what others were doing for him, it hurt that it wasn't me, but I was just happy that he was able to get attention on his special day.
Well on Sunday Chris had no milk, there was no sugar or honey for tea for him and no juice. Water was just not doing it for him. He will drink water, but not all the time. It is like a clock in him, I want milk, I want tea, I want juice, etc, etc, etc. I tried getting him to sleep without him having to have a bottle but it was a nightmare. He wouldn't have his afternoon nap without his tea bottle. He cried, he screamed he performed. It broke my heart to hear him. We all huddled onto the bed, but still it did not help. Wyatt was also being a pain, he kept knocking Chris awake just as soon as I got him to sleep. Leo was being a pain as usual. He knew I needed milk, but he refused to take me to get milk for him. Eventually I got so angry I went to a friends house and she took me to the shop. It was a nice outing, just me, her and Chris. I didn't take Wyatt with, because I just felt like I was going to murder him and I just needed to get away from him. I think Chris felt my stress and he was acting up because of it. Well in the end things worked out. I was able to get stuff that we needed and didn't have to wait another night to go to the shop. In fact I felt so much better after just escaping from the house.
Today I am not feeling well. I decided to do knitting, got wool and needles from a friend and am busy making a scarf. I was doing so well until Chris got hold of the knitting and pulled it and I did not know what he did, but I sat trying to take the knots out. Eventually got it knot free, but what a mission. Seeing how my knitting fell apart, made me think of me falling apart and I just burst into tears, shame poor Chris did not know what to think when he saw me. I got so many hugs and kisses. I am finding that I am escaping in the knitting, which is a good thing. I feel like I need a holiday, not just a holiday, but a break, a break somewhere where I can relax for a few day and just soak in life and find my way again.
I think this whole thing also what is going to happen to Leo. He gets so stressed and now he has more work put on him. He doesn't take it out at work, but at home. We feel it, or more like I feel it and it worries me what it will do to him. He isn't away from his computer for an hour without doing work or playing a game. When he is finish with work he is playing and we see very little of him and he hates being bugged, but it is our only way to feel like he is here. He has gotten better, but I fear that the balance won't be there for long with the extra work he has now. I guess it is life and I guess I'll get to handle it soon, hopefully. Arrrgggghhhh this feeling will pass I know. I think it is just the flashes I keep seeing with my brother on a motorbike smiling and waving to me and then the next minute the police is walking into my sister's house and blood is running out of his helmet. I never forget it and every time this year I remember this horrible empty feeling inside me and every year I have that feeling and the tears rolls. I remember I wasn't allowed to go to the hospital. I had to stay by my cousin and help look after the small ones. I remember how my mom fell apart and how everything from that day had changed and every year I go through this exact depression, until April passess then I am fine again. I try to fight it, but I guess at times you just should not fight, but rather accept and let it be and morn, for even if it was 15 years ago, it is good to morn. I miss my brother and wish that he could see how I have grown. How his influence on my life has changed me for the best (well the better). Time will pass and I'll be ok. Just need to get over the next few day.
I feel like I am fighting a battle inside me. The last few days I have felt like the walls are closing in on me. I am angry and the more I think about things the more angrier I get. Chris' First brithday went well. We didn't have a party for him, but we had a cake and a few friends over for supper (nothing fancy), but it was good to have people who care around. I didn't want to admit to my family the main reason why we aren't having a party was because of what happend on Wyatt's birthday (the whole pitching up late), but we also couldn't afford it. Chris was a lucky little boy, for on his birthday, he not only had people who cared and loved him, he was dedicated and the following day he had another party (also not big). The day after the birthday we went through to my family. I wanted to take a cake with, but didn't get one. I did take some sweets, chips and juice with for the kids. My sister got a cake for him and bought some other stuff. We also had a braai. It was really sweet of her and Chris really loved all the attention. He is saying so many words at the moment and is a real parrot, have to watch what one says otherwise he just copies you. I felt depressed that I didn't give Chris what I gave to Wyatt. Even though I was grateful for what others were doing for him, it hurt that it wasn't me, but I was just happy that he was able to get attention on his special day.
Well on Sunday Chris had no milk, there was no sugar or honey for tea for him and no juice. Water was just not doing it for him. He will drink water, but not all the time. It is like a clock in him, I want milk, I want tea, I want juice, etc, etc, etc. I tried getting him to sleep without him having to have a bottle but it was a nightmare. He wouldn't have his afternoon nap without his tea bottle. He cried, he screamed he performed. It broke my heart to hear him. We all huddled onto the bed, but still it did not help. Wyatt was also being a pain, he kept knocking Chris awake just as soon as I got him to sleep. Leo was being a pain as usual. He knew I needed milk, but he refused to take me to get milk for him. Eventually I got so angry I went to a friends house and she took me to the shop. It was a nice outing, just me, her and Chris. I didn't take Wyatt with, because I just felt like I was going to murder him and I just needed to get away from him. I think Chris felt my stress and he was acting up because of it. Well in the end things worked out. I was able to get stuff that we needed and didn't have to wait another night to go to the shop. In fact I felt so much better after just escaping from the house.
Today I am not feeling well. I decided to do knitting, got wool and needles from a friend and am busy making a scarf. I was doing so well until Chris got hold of the knitting and pulled it and I did not know what he did, but I sat trying to take the knots out. Eventually got it knot free, but what a mission. Seeing how my knitting fell apart, made me think of me falling apart and I just burst into tears, shame poor Chris did not know what to think when he saw me. I got so many hugs and kisses. I am finding that I am escaping in the knitting, which is a good thing. I feel like I need a holiday, not just a holiday, but a break, a break somewhere where I can relax for a few day and just soak in life and find my way again.
I think this whole thing also what is going to happen to Leo. He gets so stressed and now he has more work put on him. He doesn't take it out at work, but at home. We feel it, or more like I feel it and it worries me what it will do to him. He isn't away from his computer for an hour without doing work or playing a game. When he is finish with work he is playing and we see very little of him and he hates being bugged, but it is our only way to feel like he is here. He has gotten better, but I fear that the balance won't be there for long with the extra work he has now. I guess it is life and I guess I'll get to handle it soon, hopefully. Arrrgggghhhh this feeling will pass I know. I think it is just the flashes I keep seeing with my brother on a motorbike smiling and waving to me and then the next minute the police is walking into my sister's house and blood is running out of his helmet. I never forget it and every time this year I remember this horrible empty feeling inside me and every year I have that feeling and the tears rolls. I remember I wasn't allowed to go to the hospital. I had to stay by my cousin and help look after the small ones. I remember how my mom fell apart and how everything from that day had changed and every year I go through this exact depression, until April passess then I am fine again. I try to fight it, but I guess at times you just should not fight, but rather accept and let it be and morn, for even if it was 15 years ago, it is good to morn. I miss my brother and wish that he could see how I have grown. How his influence on my life has changed me for the best (well the better). Time will pass and I'll be ok. Just need to get over the next few day.
posted by DolphinC at
4:48 am
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