Some More Sadness

Don't you just hate when you have the feeling that something bad is going to happen to someone close to you. I get it often, where I get this feeling that someone close to me is going to die, but it doesn't happen that they always die. It can even be someone I just met and attach myself to and I will feel something bad is going to happen. Now I have been having bad feeling that something bad is going to happen to my brother as you have read about what he is going through at the moment, now before I heard about what his going through I felt that something was wrong and when I spoke to my niece, my heart sank. I thought the feeling would have left, but no it stayed there. Then we found out that our one dog had died of something he caught by eating bird droppings which we didn't even know he was sick and there was nothing we could do about it, but let him rest his tiny body to sleep forever. We are going to miss him. It is so difficult to keep in the tears with Wyatt around. It hurts so much inside. Yes he is only a dog, but he was my dog and I loved him. He was more then a dog to me, he was my friend and he was part of our family, he was family. Well I thought the feeling would have gone, but it hasn't gone. I don't know if it is still there because of the way I am feeling or if someone who is close to me is going to be hurt or worse die. I don't know if it is maybe because it is nearing the day my brother died. I always get sad this time of the month. I worry about my mom around this time, because she isolates herself or drinks herself to sleep. It is sad to see her like that. It is even hard for her because it happend just before her birthday. It is awful feeling this way when it is also close to Chris's birthday. I feel like I just want to be alone, where I can sit somewhere and just think straight for a few days. I am not depressed, don't get me wrong, just sad and hurt and worried about someone who is close to me. Life goes on I know, but why do I have to have feeling every time something bad is going to happen to someone I love. Am I nuts, is there something wrong with me. Leo, thinks that it is just because I know someone is sick or is going through a rough time. There are days when I blame myself for my brother's motorbike death, because I saw it before it even happend. I could have warned him, I carry that around with me till this day. I don't tell anyone, because I am afraid they will tell me I am crazy and it wasn't the first time that it happend. The first time it happend was when my aunt died. I dreamt it and woke up and told my mom about it and she said I mustn't talk nonsense, when it happend exactly the way I told it was going to happen, she thought I wished bad luck on my aunt. From then I have been afraid to tell people or warn them or prepare them. I feel deep down that I have this ability to prepare people of the worse, but I am afraid, so I keep it to myself, so I feel guilty when it happens. Arrggghhh, I don't know, maybe I don't have a gift, maybe it is just in my head. But I have learnt to live with it and I no longer am scared of it. I accept it, though I am scared, I accept what I see and feel, I guess it just open's my eyes to the world some more. Am I a dreamer, I would love to think so, but no I am not a dreamer, I have these thoughts and feelings throughout the day, until the event happens. It only goes away once the thing happens. I do wish I never saw these thing, because it hurts, but I guess life goes one and you have to accept what is given to you.