Walking on Clouds
This morning I woke up, made me a cup of coffee, put Toddler in the bath so I could bath him before school. Oh my I feel like I am going to pass out. I have been up on the hour every hour seeing to Baby. He is so hungry, but he is just pooing his milk out and the Hydrol. Last night though seemed to be better. I gave him a tea mixed with 5 teaspoons of sugar and 2 teaspoons of salt and it has seemed like he has not poo'd while drinking it, though I can't say the same for the milk. He is taking in 60ml milk and 25ml of the tea. I swop between the 2 every hour and that is why I needed the coffee so early, but also to my disgust I poured sour milk in, so my morning didn't start off too well. We have a friend coming for lunch today, so I hope all goes well. I am bound to mess up something or even forget about something. I also realise how much work I have to do before the 24th. I have less then 2 weeks, basically a week and a half, but I am waiting on this person to finalise what I have to do and give me all the info that I need. I hate being so unorganised when it comes to my work. I like to make sure everything is in order and done as soon as possible and not left on for the last minute, but some people just make it hard for you.
Last night it was so cute. Toddler was sitting on Daddy's lap and I was on my way to bath baby. So I told Toddler he must stay by Daddy, mommy was coming now. It is sometimes easier to let him stay by daddy then to have him come and bother me about every little thing. So I turn my back and he says to me 'mum, Love uuuuu' and blows me a kiss. I wanted to just sweep him out of his Daddy's arms and give him lots of hugs and kisses. It is moments like that, that makes me love him even more.
Why on earth did I think I was brave enough to go back onto the board. I feel so lost. Well I have finished one Project 3 more to go. Today I am having friends kids over for a craft afternoon with Toddler. I am really looking foward to it. We are going to paint styrofoam balls and put names on it. This year I have decided I want to go silver and red. I don't really like gold. Maybe next year will be silver and blue. Or I'll just stick to one colour and just add to it. I am really excited. I also have a friend coming for lunch, so while I wait for everything I thought I'd quickly do some updating. I am nervous when it comes to making food for others, even if they are friends. I feel like it is not going to be good enough or I am going to serve raw food and I get in a panic. I guess this is all part of my past, where my food was never good enough for my brother and I use have the plate of food thrown at me. Maybe I hate doing dishes, because they were never to Brother's satisfaction or it was just a means to keep me at home. I remember scrubbing windows and my friends from school would come pass on their bikes to see if I could play and I'd panic and tell them they have to go, because I was going out. Yet my fear was more like Brother coming home and seeing me with friends. The once this boy liked me and he'd come around every day to chat to me and Brother unfortunately came and caught us kissing. I was not allowed to go to youth or church, because of it. He chased the boy away and I got a beaten I could never forget. When I met the boys father, I was scared. I never stayed with a boy for too long even if I did like them alot and it wasn't because I feared them hurting me, I feared my brother hurting them. I thought I was never going to get married. I thought all my dreams would be buried. The way I worked on my fears was to focus helping others with what I had and do experience. I want others to know they aren't alone and just to be strong and know that you can make a difference in your life. I always listened to my friends problems and gave them advice, sometimes I still feel like I do that, but no one gave me advice, no one listened to me until it was nearly too late and I am not talking about recently, I'm talking before I even had kids, was even married, but that is another story wich will eventually come. Once I get there.
When I found this board and saw how everyone supported one another, I wanted to be apart of that. I don't know maybe I felt I needed someone to chat to. I needed someone who I could share my experience with and someone or somewhere where I could share my experience and help those who were possibly going through something similar to me, but now I don't feel like I have that anymore when I logged on. I actually feel more empty then lost. I fear to share that Baby is sick, who knows what I'll get, another email or even the welfare on my doorsteps. I'm just like any other mom who just needs advice at times or a shoulder that I can lean on to just cry. Sometimes I am tired of being strong, caring, loving and patient and that is when I need that shoulder.
Last night it was so cute. Toddler was sitting on Daddy's lap and I was on my way to bath baby. So I told Toddler he must stay by Daddy, mommy was coming now. It is sometimes easier to let him stay by daddy then to have him come and bother me about every little thing. So I turn my back and he says to me 'mum, Love uuuuu' and blows me a kiss. I wanted to just sweep him out of his Daddy's arms and give him lots of hugs and kisses. It is moments like that, that makes me love him even more.
Why on earth did I think I was brave enough to go back onto the board. I feel so lost. Well I have finished one Project 3 more to go. Today I am having friends kids over for a craft afternoon with Toddler. I am really looking foward to it. We are going to paint styrofoam balls and put names on it. This year I have decided I want to go silver and red. I don't really like gold. Maybe next year will be silver and blue. Or I'll just stick to one colour and just add to it. I am really excited. I also have a friend coming for lunch, so while I wait for everything I thought I'd quickly do some updating. I am nervous when it comes to making food for others, even if they are friends. I feel like it is not going to be good enough or I am going to serve raw food and I get in a panic. I guess this is all part of my past, where my food was never good enough for my brother and I use have the plate of food thrown at me. Maybe I hate doing dishes, because they were never to Brother's satisfaction or it was just a means to keep me at home. I remember scrubbing windows and my friends from school would come pass on their bikes to see if I could play and I'd panic and tell them they have to go, because I was going out. Yet my fear was more like Brother coming home and seeing me with friends. The once this boy liked me and he'd come around every day to chat to me and Brother unfortunately came and caught us kissing. I was not allowed to go to youth or church, because of it. He chased the boy away and I got a beaten I could never forget. When I met the boys father, I was scared. I never stayed with a boy for too long even if I did like them alot and it wasn't because I feared them hurting me, I feared my brother hurting them. I thought I was never going to get married. I thought all my dreams would be buried. The way I worked on my fears was to focus helping others with what I had and do experience. I want others to know they aren't alone and just to be strong and know that you can make a difference in your life. I always listened to my friends problems and gave them advice, sometimes I still feel like I do that, but no one gave me advice, no one listened to me until it was nearly too late and I am not talking about recently, I'm talking before I even had kids, was even married, but that is another story wich will eventually come. Once I get there.
When I found this board and saw how everyone supported one another, I wanted to be apart of that. I don't know maybe I felt I needed someone to chat to. I needed someone who I could share my experience with and someone or somewhere where I could share my experience and help those who were possibly going through something similar to me, but now I don't feel like I have that anymore when I logged on. I actually feel more empty then lost. I fear to share that Baby is sick, who knows what I'll get, another email or even the welfare on my doorsteps. I'm just like any other mom who just needs advice at times or a shoulder that I can lean on to just cry. Sometimes I am tired of being strong, caring, loving and patient and that is when I need that shoulder.
posted by DolphinC at
7:49 am
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