Where Secrets Lie

Friday, November 07, 2008

Who Am I

So my question goes on. Who am I?

There comes a time in your life where you believe you know yourself. You know what you want, what you need, who you want to spend the rest of your life with. A time where you want kids, but what people don't tell you is that question remains forever. There is always something popping up that makes you question yourself, your life and your future. Do you want to go on living in a fantasy world where you found your prince charming. A guy who is not like your dad who is a women beater, a cheater an abuser to his kids. A guy you love who you want to spend your life with, but something is missing in that marriage. At times he feels cold, he no longer is the guy you fell inlove with, the guy you got to know, instead you have a cold guy. A guy that is always on guard. You have a guy who makes you feel one minute like a princess and the next like you are draining him. I feel so like it is my fault and no matter how many times friends tell me people change I don't believe in that. You don't change over night. Even though he had helped me and was there for me I feel like that burden I had bestowed upon him has made him a bitter person. He got to see a side of me that no one had ever seen. He had seen things that I don't even remember had accurred. I understand why he is angry with my family. I see how he can hate them, but in me I feel like I forgave them and he could do the same. Isn't living about forgiving those who wronged you. Showing them that you can cope and that you are someone.

Sometimes I feel I get angry towards the boyz, they can be doing nothing, but the anger in me builds up that I shut them away at times. I guess my reason for that is that constantly I hear 'we shouldn't of had kids'. How would our life have been different if we didn't. More money, I don't think so. Have you ever felt trapped in your marriage? Have you ever felt that even though you have a good guy that loves you and that you love is trapping you in some way or the other. No he is not abusive. You feel you can't move on, you don't go anywhere. Yip I am a stay at home or more like a work at home mom. My house is a mess with clothes and toys all over. My life is a mess. I am suppose to be a mom who enjoys my boyz, but how do you do that when you are trapped in a marriage that doesn't give to much adventure.

I use to be a person that got out there, that went on adventures that met people. Now I am a person that stays at home that only meets people when they require her to do work for them. I don't get to go out there to meet people, to enjoy time on the beach or in a park with friends. Friends is another thing. Everyone around me seems so snobbish. If you aren't perfect you don't fit into their little circle of friends.

The few friends I did befriend had left. We still chat though and I enjoy her chat on skype, it is good to know I have that little connection to adults. Then there is my friend from Jo who moved down here. She is busy at the moment, busy getting things ready for her best friends wedding, she is a maid of honour. She took time to spend it with me on my birthday and when the wedding is over I am sure I'll be seeing more of her. She recently seperated from her husband.
I don't know how I will feel. Will I feel lost? Do we need to have a long break from each other to see how much we appreciate each other. I would have thought the times we spent apart over weekends would have made me feel that, but the more I stayed by my sister the more I felt my boyz were missing out on so much. The interaction my family has with one another, they don't get that. The more I did not want to go and the more I wanted to stay away from home. The more I felt like me and enjoyed me too.

I keep thinking maybe I need my drivers license, but then what would happen, would I just get in the car and go when ever I feel like. Is love really important or does love conquer everything. When I think of seperation I think of heartache. My eldest would miss his dad, so would my youngest, they are so fond of there father. The eldest though is daddy's boy. When it comes to his father he has his fathers way. He prefers to stay home and play games. Oooh don't get me on the game thing, it drives me insane. Day in and Day out Guild Wars, Guild Wars, Guild Wars. Nothing gets done. He sees I am struggling with the house, but still he does a bit and then he carries on with his game. We see him at his computer with the game first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

Well it is getting late and I guess I'd go and sit and watch something before falling asleep. I have a bit of a headache with all the questions popping in it.

Who Am I..........Will it continue or would I have found myself. Not sure if one ever totally finds themself.


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