Going Through Old Thoughts

Going through my 'Treasure Box' as I called it since I had it, because to me I felt that my dreams, my life was a treasure. As I went through it I saw how much I have grown, so much I have achieved and though at times I still feel like I am a bad person, a person who no one can love, a person who will forever be unclean I understand and realise that it is just me feeling it, just me feeling that I can't do something or accomplish something and I then see that I have achieved a lot in life and that what I mostly had/have achieved is being me. Why pretend when all it does is hurt others. I use to pretend I was someone else, but not someone who will hurt people, just someone who was the person taking all the hurt, pain and dirtiness and I was the clean one. I use to pretend I can't do anything wrong and this other 'person' was the one who was the bad one, but in the process of being 'someone else', I was afflicting pain on myself without me even realising it. When something bad happened to me, 'she' would cut 'herself', 'she' would make 'herself' sick after eating and 'she' would try and hurt people to protect me, but instead she was hurting me. There was a time where I felt I was trapped in someone elses body and my voice whould be inside me chatting, while she would be the one out there. There were days I would shout out for someone to hear me, but no one did (I feel like that at times still, where no one hears me and this time I am the one speaking). They heard her. She would talk to anyone, she was mute and also made me mute. I could stare beyond the space as if there were nothing, no, but this empty room with no doors, no windows, no where to go and sometimes I can feel that walls creeping up on me again. I would cry for no reason, run out of class, church or where ever I was. Some days I would find myself in places I did not know how I got there. I became tired, unhappy, withdrawn and aware of boys and people. If a boy touched me I felt dirty and would go and shower to get his touch off my skin, even though it was just a touch. It was a horrible feeling, but I overcame that, yes there are days that I don't like my husband touching me, but once I realise what his touch means (lOVE, CARE, AFFECTION AND I CARE FOR YOU), I start to relax. I don't know if it is still normal to have these feelings at times, but I do know that it is important that you realise who you are now and not who you were 15 years ago, realising that you are not that baby lying in the cot trying to breath for air while your father held a pillow over your face. Yes I remember that, it haunted me all the time and didn't realise why I was dreaming that. That you aren't a baby that's father use to abuse you physically. That you aren't the toddler who had to touch daddy's lollipop and gently lick it. You are not the teenager that was physically and mentally abused by your brother or abused by your cousin (wasn't a cousin, but don't want my family to come across this), you are who you want to be, who you set your life to be or what you want your life to be. You are the one who makes your goals, who carries them forward, who can decide if you want to carry the pass with you are not. I choose not to. I choose to enjoy each day, each life, each breath that I spend on this earth, that I spend with my husband and my kids. Yes there are days where I feel like I can't go on, that the walls are inclosing on me, that I am not good for anything, that why on earth did I have to have boys or why one earth did I get married, or why on earth did I choose my life, because my life is what I make of it and what I set for me. I did not choose to have boys, I was blessed with them and maybe for a reason, to teach them how important it is to treat a women regardless of what she might look like, regardless of how you may feel about her, treat her like she is someone, but not a princess, treat her like she deserves to be treated, with respect, love and happiness. Don't treat her like she is a slave. Don't treat her like she is a soccer ball and don't treat her like one of your buddies. I don't know maybe I was just meant to have boys, but to me they are my blessings and I love them. We have our bad days, but we always have our good and that is what you focus on.

Well I'll share something from my 'Treasure Box;.

This was something I wrote for my husband who was at the time my boyfriend. I wrote this because I was afraind to speak a word. I was afraid that my family would die if I had ever spoken to anyone about it again (I say again, because I spoke and it tore my family apart), My family on the abuser side and me the stranger. Well enough going to write the letter to my husband.

I was afraid to tell you
about the things that happened to me
I thought I would lose you
but instead you stood by my side
even when I tried to leave you.
You would not let me go
I couldn't understand,
why you did not turn away...
You said you love me
love to me was just an evil word
and only one person could love me.
A person with no evil,
A person I put my trust in
for the rest of my life,
A person who knows me better
than anybody who will...
To tell the truth
when you said you loved me
I thought you were lying
although I had this feeling that made me feel so positive
I loved you so much to
I did not want to hurt you
by leaving I thought it would be best,
but when I saw those tears,
I knew I wouldn't find the love
you have for me anywhere else
I don't know how to say it any other way
but if I had to turn away from what we have
I know for sure that hope would be a blur
The last thing that I want to do is hurt you
You meant so much to me
I don't think I could say good-bye
to the one I love
There were things I could not do
I thought I would not make you happy
I felt so scared and hurt
I felt that nobody cared
and I was just a rag doll
pushed to one corner
with no one to lift me up
and tell me who I really am
and when you did I buried it away
denying the fact that you meant it
I kept on living in the past
A past that hurt me
and caused me never to trust again
I felt so far away from you
as if you were miles away
but you stayed by my side
and did all you could
You made me see a light for hope
a light that things would get better
I know it will take time for me to heal
I know the past won't be gone completely
and it will still hurt sometimes
but you made me realise that I am somebody
and although what had happened does not make me a bad person
You made me realise that no matter what others did to me
doesn't mean that it is my fault
Thank you for being there when I need you
Thank you for making me realise
things which were just a dream to me
and any time you want to say those things,
I will accept it
as I know it is coming from someone who means it
Thanks for caring for me
It means alot to know that someone with so much love
like you have can care for someone like me
As many starts as there is in the sky
which is uncountable
so is my love for you
Now no matter how far you are,
You'll always be in my heart
You'll always be My Bright Star
That lights up my day and night.

Well that is it. I think I'll go and lie down and dream I am floating on a cloud of chocolate. Mmm, now I feel like one.