The Stranger In Our Family

Today once again I have left Baby at the hospital and it is the same thing over and over with husband. When Baby was born, he'd complain about what a pain it is to have to go every day. Then wen Baby got Gastro he complained again about it being a pain. Now again I think what a bad mom I am as I leave Baby there and he doesn't have his mommy to hold his hand or to hold him. He doesn't have his mommy to tell him that everything is going to be ok and he doesn't have his mommy to smile at him while he is in pain. Instead he has strangers taking care of him. There was another baby in the same room as Baby who also had the Rotri Virus and I watched at the mother kissed her baby and her husband and left to take their toddler home and daddy stayed behind with his baby. I felt why can't my husband do that. I told him look how dad's are staying behind and he bluntly told me that 'he doesn't care for things like that'. My comment was, but it is your child. I am exhuasted after 4 nights with very little sleep I am feeling emotional and like I am about to have a breakdown. I have anger building inside me and I feel like I am going to snap. I watched the nurses look at me when I asked them if I could go home to sleep, because I was extremely tired and I needed time with Toddler, because he was acting up as I spent most of my time with Baby who is sick. Just their look made me want to vomit. I know Baby needs me. Husband says I need sleep and I agree with him, but how can I sleep when I know Baby is in a strange cot, in a strange room and without me by his side. I have work to do and Husband says I need to be home to work. I agree, but how can I concentrate when I am not with Baby? What hurt me was as we walked down the passage one our way out of the ward, in each room it looked like dads stayed with their kids and it hit me, why doesn't my children's father stay behind. Why doesn't he feel the way I feel about them. Why is he always making remarks of how children messes up your life. Why? Why? Why? All these questions came rushing into me and my heart felt like it was bleeding. It felt like I wanted to crumble, because I felt like have no real support from my husband. I feel alone, scared and angry. Actually I told him in the car 'I hate having the kids in the hospital, because all I hear from you is moaning and all I really need is support.' He didn't say anything just kept quiet and drove us home. I think I am very emotional, but I also feel like he should be more of a support to me. If I had my driver's licence I doubt he would be involved. It is heart breaking when he has a cheek to tell me to stop feeling so darn guilty and to get over the fact that I am going home and leaving baby. How could he say that to me, to tell the truth that made me feel worse then ever. How can someone who is so good and loving be like this. Would he ever be involved in our lives if I had my drivers licence, I don't think so. I think the boys dad will be a stranger to them and my husband will be a stranger to me. I love my boys, but sometimes my husband just makes it harder for me to love them more. One thing is for sure I think once Baby is better I am going to let him take the Rotri Virus. I can't let this happen again. I can't be away from either boys for a few hours. I need to be there with them every hour, every minute and every second. I wish my Husband would feel the same way. I actually feel like I don't know who I am anymore. The person I am would have stayed by her Baby's bedside no matter how tired she is. The person I am would have insisted on staying no matter how tired I am, but instead I became the puppy dog and listened to what my husband said. Look what I am doing, typing in my blog where I could have been with my Baby Angel, where I could be holding his tiny hand while he sleeps, but instead I am home, looking for things to do, so I don't have to sleep, because I fear I'll dream bad things. I am not by my son to protect him. I hope the night goes by quickly and I hope and pray that my Baby Angel will get better soon so that I can have him home in my arms. Don't get me wrong I love my husband and I think in certain aspects he is a good dad. Toddler loves him and I am sure Baby will love him to. I love him regardless of what he is like. I just wish I he'd give me more support. Be there more for me in the time when I need him, instead of complain about the situation. I know he is really busy at work. I guess LIFE goes one. I guess I go on. Maybe someday, oneday husband will realise what I mean when I say I need comfort and not stress. Good Night Baby, Mommy Loves you. See you in the morning.