How Do You Feel About The Word Stupid?

Well I feel that it is a word that should not even be in the dictionary. I feel it that someone should be repremanded for calling someone stupid, but that is how I feel right now. You see Baby is 8 months already and he can't sit, he is getting there, but he still can't sit yet. He wobbles way too much. I do everything I did with my oldest son, but it doesn't help, but I still do it. Propping up of the pillows. Yesterday I just wanted to cry when my mom asked me how old Baby was and I told her. She was like 'what and he isn't sitting, he should be sitting already, you must prop him up with pillows.' Yeah did that been there, but it didn't work. I told her that he is a premature baby and that the doctor did say he might sit late then normal babies and her comment was, that is no excuse, you must be doing something wrong. I felt like such a bad mom at that moment. I felt stupid, I felt like I must be doing something wrong if my mom says so. I could feel the burning sensation of tears, but held it back and hoped and prayed I wouldn't cry in front of them. What am I suppose to do, do I take baby to the doctor? If the premature thing doesn't make a difference then why isn't he sitting already. Is he going to be 9 months and not sitting. I feel so lost right now. I had a good Christmas, my holidays were going well and then the stab in the heart. I feel like a reject every time my husband says to me shouldn't our child or baby be doing this or that. 1st Toddlers speach isn't like most 2 year olds almost 3 and our baby isn't up to date with a normal baby. Is there something wrong with me. I know I shouldn't use the premature thing as an excuse, but it really frustrates me, because even if I say well all babies are different I get the 'You a bad mom look', or I get told 'That I need to face reality all babies aren't that different.' I know I shouldn't worry about what other's say, but when you are the glue trying to make things right, your end dries and there isn't that partner side to hold it together. All my life I have been told I am stupid, that I am going to fail, that I am nothing, a no one. All my life that is what I thought. Then I met someone who lifted me up, that helped me see pass things, but now I wonder where that guy is. Even when something wasn't perfect he made me feel like it was ok, but now I feel like all I hear is this isn't good enough, that isn't good enough. This doesn't taste like this person's food or that doesn't taste like that person's food. My heart breaks and I feel like crawling into that shell I once had made for myself. I feel like leaving everything behind and just taking the good memories with me, but what does that accomplish 'Nothing'. You try to resolve the problem. You talk it through, you work through it and you try and make it right, but sometimes the right becomes a wrong and all your hard work gets unravalled. I feel like a record being rewinded and taking me back to the begining, no more like a stuck record, the pass pulling me one side and me pulling the other side. Which one will win I'll often ask myself, but find that each one just tires the other out that they both get stuck in the middle, but the 'me' perseveres and moves forward until I reach that spot again where I feel like I am being rewinded. Each day I tell myself I am not going to be like this and that, but I still land up being like that. I tell myself I am not going to talk, but I still find myself talking. I still find myself doing things that I say I wouldn't do. I don't want to be the girl I was 12 years ago. I don't want to find myself in that shell. Maybe my boys won't appreciate what I am doing for them. Maybe they won't appreciate me taking pictures of their Xmas and Birthday gifts, but I sit here and I wonder, what toys did I have as a child and I can't remember. My husband says to me today. Why you taking pictures of their toys. So I told him that it was for their memory book. What memory book, they aren't going to be interested in those things, they aren't going to be interested in seeing what gifts they got when they were small. Am I really being stupid doing it. Am I really being a child. Today was a horrible day. It all started with "me" giving the boys too much credit. Maybe I do, but I'd rather give them a lot of credit for what they do then underestimate their ability to do somthing. Am I wrong, frankly I don't care. I don't want the boys growing up thinking that their parents think they can't do something. I don't want them feeling the way I felt. Wishing, hoping that someone would say something nice when I did achieve an 'A' in a test, instead of Arrggghhhh, it is only one 'A', show me all 'A's' and I'll give you praise or 'the eggs aren't done to my liking and you get your face pushed into the plate and asked was it to your liking, no one is gonna want to eat your food. Now when something that I make is nice but not perfect I don't get well done for trying I get that plate of eggs in my face all over again and that hurts, because to me it isn't how perfect something has to be, but rather the fact that you tried is a big achievement. You can get told it isn't good, but always throw in a well done for trying when your someone special or your partner tries something for the 1st time. Don't rub their face in it, give them some credit for at least trying. That is what I do with my boys. If they don't do something perfect. I don't give the full credit, but I also don't tell them that they didn't do it perfect. I see when my husband tells Toddler that he hasn't done something well. He doesn't want to do the thing again, but when he gets told that he did well and it is good he tried well done, he goes back and back until he can perfect that task. I don't go back to perfecting a task, instead I give up, because who am I suppose to please. Christmas was the best day of my life (ok not my best day, that was when I got married, found out I was pregnant, held my first baby in my arms and then my second one, seeing their smile, hearing their laughter and just seeing them each morning I wake up, those are my best days of my life). Knowing that my husband is there even though things had been rough with us. These holidays have been good, until today and it is all because of one person who has to mess up your moment of enjoyment. I must admit making the decision to have Christmas at home was the best decision of my life, because at least my boys had no negativity and my toddler enjoyed the special things I did for him. That is what counts the most. I am going ot put what happend on Tuesday aside and move on, for that is the past. My baby will sit in due time. He is just taking a little longer then he should and what I should be happy about is that we have two wonderful loving boys. Be happy with what you have and greedy for what others have is motto to myself and it works for me, because it makes me realise that what I have is more then enough for me.