This Story Is About My Mom
Today I just felt like crying. Last week my mom went to the doctor, she woke up and couldn't move her right arm, her blood pressure was high and she said she felt like she was going to pass out. Her one side of her body was in pain. The doctors gave her medication and I waited today to hear how she was, but no one phoned me. I have been edgy the whole day. I really needed someone to talk to, but didn't want to cry while I was chatting to someone. What made it worse was that yesterday we had people over for super, now I am not one to cook. No ways will I cook for anyone, because I am afraid they won't like it and I will have the plate of food thrown at me. Why that fear you might ask? Well if my brother didn't like something I made he'd throw the plate at me, but that is another story, this story is about my mom.
Today I sat and was thinking that my mom had never remarried after her and my dad got divorced. I always thought she deserved someone who could make her look like a princess like she use to be. I remember the beautiful long hair she had and remember thinking how I want to be a princess like my mom. I remember thinking what a wonderful person she is, even though later on in life she was no longer that princess that I wanted to be. I remember how she use to glow, that glow was gone, but I loved her regardless of the way she treated me or my brother and sister. Though she favoured the boys over the girls. I remember what caused it. It all started with my dad. You see he was an alcoholic, he drank, day and night every day. He went to all these meetings that you get, but it didn't help, he was just back on the alcohol when he came out. He use to beat my mom and I remember one specific incident where my dad hit my mom and she went flying into the kitchen getting her hair caught on the curtain hook that was attached to the bottom of the sink to hide the pots. I remember blood streaming from her eye. I thought her eyes were bleeding and that she'd never get to see again. I remember while her hair was caught on that hook my dad hitting her and not stopping no matter how much we cried and pleaded for him to stop what he was doing. I remember even a punch coming across my way and then my brothers. I remember him eventually grabbing her hair and dragging her that the chunk that was twined on the hook had been pulled out. I still can see the hair dangling from the hook when I think about it. I then remember how he threw us out on the streets. How my mom walked the street finding some where to sleep as she had an arugument with my aunt and didn't want to go to her. I remember eventually me crying so much from the cold that she put her problems she had with her sister and took us where we could be warm and cared for. I remember that day so clearly and I remember wetting myself and thinking that I was going to get a hiding, because I did not go to the toilet. I remember my aunt took us that night as always, she never turned us away, no matter how many times she would tell my mom not to come knocking if she wasn't willing to leave the Pig.
I can't remember when exactly my dad and mom's divorce had happen, but I do remember the day it happened, my sister and I were trying to get bees out of the house and when my mom walked in the door she had this look of relief, this look of now I can move on. She did, though her moving on consisted of taking care of us kids and making sure that we had a food eat and clothes to wear. She never worked and couldn't work. We were on welfare. I guess when you think of welfare you think of troubled kids, maybe I was a trouble child, that is why my mom got beaten and my dad had to leave, but what he had done I had known that if she didn't leave him. She would have surely died.
My mom's problems didn't stop there. My oldest brother treated her like she was dirt. He treated her exactly the way my dad did, even worse. Every weekend something in our house was broken. Xmas time became a time of 'I wish these holidays would end', I wish the weekend would end, I wish, I wish, I wish. My mom became more withdrawn and looked like rags. We use to tease her and tell her that she looks like a witch. Now as I look back I take that back. She took the insults, she stood her ground and she carried on. She started to drink (over weekends only) and then would let out her heartache, though her drinking got worse when my brother died from a motorbike accident and that is when my problems really started, but this post isn't about me.
I look at my mom now and I wonder how could she have survived what she went through with her husband, how could she have survived what we went through with my brother and the rest of the family. There are days when I wish I had that mom I once saw as a little girl. I wish I had that mom who had that beautiful long hair. I wish I had that mom who could have given me more compliments and helped me build my confidents in areas like cooking etc. I just wish my teenage years didn't have to be the mother to her. Sometimes I wonder and hope and do my utmost that I don't become dependant on my kids. That they don't have to be the parent. And I think that is why I removed myself from this board, because I couldn't take the thought that I might turn out like my mom, not the princess mom, but the witch mom. I love her dearly and I will always love her even though nearing her last, I will still be brought down and I'd still be told that I choice the wrong man and I am not wife material or mother material, but I still love her regardless of what she says, because she is my mom and I'll always have that princess mom that I will look up to. I will learn from my mom's experience to make what I had missed as a child an teenager not the same for my boys.
I know at times it hard to find the goodness in your parents, but there is and you just have to look and hold on to that memory that you remember that was good. My dad I can't say much for him. I can't find any goodness in him and I can't remember them. I only remember pain in places I shouldn't even make my mind think of. My mom had goodness and she still has it. She always helps people, maybe not her own, but she is always willing to help a stranger and if it is our last slice of bread, she'd give it to the stranger and tell us that there are people who are less fortunate then us, but what did my mom get for her kindness, nothing, not a thank you, nothing, what she did get was those people that she trusted had stolen from her, from us. Even now when I think about it I remember getting a gift I wanted for Xmas and after a day or two it would be taken away and sold for alcohol. Nothing good ever lasted in our house, but what had I will treasure and focus on and when my boys ask me stories about their granny, I will tell them the what a wonderful granny they had and tell them all the good stuff, I'll tell them how their granny had a voice like and angel, how she looked like an angel, but I will never tell them how heartbroken she was and how she turned out to become. I don't want my boys thinking bad of her as she is their granny and the pass is the pass. Yes she still has bad things to say about me. Brings me down as a mother, but my boys don't need to know that as that is between me and her. I could go on and on about my mom and her life. This is just a summary, but if I have to go back to when she was a child, she really had it tough. I might have had things done to me, but my mom lived on the street as a child, she grew up in stable. When she married my dad, they lived in broken down cars, so for her welfare was the best for her kids. I think my mom can get credit for giving us a roof over our head and even though I don't feel love from her, I think I have to go on that fact that she does love us and she just has her own way of showing it.
PS: Do you know that no one has contacted me about what the doctor had to say. She might be in hospital and no one lets me know. I phoned, but everyone is busy they will get back to me, I am still waiting. I sms and no reply, just a blank screen. If something has to happen to her. I will diffinately be sad as I am not a person to hold a grudge. She didn't ask for my life to be the way it was and I might have problems still, but I am thankful that I don't have a life like my mom had.
Today I sat and was thinking that my mom had never remarried after her and my dad got divorced. I always thought she deserved someone who could make her look like a princess like she use to be. I remember the beautiful long hair she had and remember thinking how I want to be a princess like my mom. I remember thinking what a wonderful person she is, even though later on in life she was no longer that princess that I wanted to be. I remember how she use to glow, that glow was gone, but I loved her regardless of the way she treated me or my brother and sister. Though she favoured the boys over the girls. I remember what caused it. It all started with my dad. You see he was an alcoholic, he drank, day and night every day. He went to all these meetings that you get, but it didn't help, he was just back on the alcohol when he came out. He use to beat my mom and I remember one specific incident where my dad hit my mom and she went flying into the kitchen getting her hair caught on the curtain hook that was attached to the bottom of the sink to hide the pots. I remember blood streaming from her eye. I thought her eyes were bleeding and that she'd never get to see again. I remember while her hair was caught on that hook my dad hitting her and not stopping no matter how much we cried and pleaded for him to stop what he was doing. I remember even a punch coming across my way and then my brothers. I remember him eventually grabbing her hair and dragging her that the chunk that was twined on the hook had been pulled out. I still can see the hair dangling from the hook when I think about it. I then remember how he threw us out on the streets. How my mom walked the street finding some where to sleep as she had an arugument with my aunt and didn't want to go to her. I remember eventually me crying so much from the cold that she put her problems she had with her sister and took us where we could be warm and cared for. I remember that day so clearly and I remember wetting myself and thinking that I was going to get a hiding, because I did not go to the toilet. I remember my aunt took us that night as always, she never turned us away, no matter how many times she would tell my mom not to come knocking if she wasn't willing to leave the Pig.
I can't remember when exactly my dad and mom's divorce had happen, but I do remember the day it happened, my sister and I were trying to get bees out of the house and when my mom walked in the door she had this look of relief, this look of now I can move on. She did, though her moving on consisted of taking care of us kids and making sure that we had a food eat and clothes to wear. She never worked and couldn't work. We were on welfare. I guess when you think of welfare you think of troubled kids, maybe I was a trouble child, that is why my mom got beaten and my dad had to leave, but what he had done I had known that if she didn't leave him. She would have surely died.
My mom's problems didn't stop there. My oldest brother treated her like she was dirt. He treated her exactly the way my dad did, even worse. Every weekend something in our house was broken. Xmas time became a time of 'I wish these holidays would end', I wish the weekend would end, I wish, I wish, I wish. My mom became more withdrawn and looked like rags. We use to tease her and tell her that she looks like a witch. Now as I look back I take that back. She took the insults, she stood her ground and she carried on. She started to drink (over weekends only) and then would let out her heartache, though her drinking got worse when my brother died from a motorbike accident and that is when my problems really started, but this post isn't about me.
I look at my mom now and I wonder how could she have survived what she went through with her husband, how could she have survived what we went through with my brother and the rest of the family. There are days when I wish I had that mom I once saw as a little girl. I wish I had that mom who had that beautiful long hair. I wish I had that mom who could have given me more compliments and helped me build my confidents in areas like cooking etc. I just wish my teenage years didn't have to be the mother to her. Sometimes I wonder and hope and do my utmost that I don't become dependant on my kids. That they don't have to be the parent. And I think that is why I removed myself from this board, because I couldn't take the thought that I might turn out like my mom, not the princess mom, but the witch mom. I love her dearly and I will always love her even though nearing her last, I will still be brought down and I'd still be told that I choice the wrong man and I am not wife material or mother material, but I still love her regardless of what she says, because she is my mom and I'll always have that princess mom that I will look up to. I will learn from my mom's experience to make what I had missed as a child an teenager not the same for my boys.
I know at times it hard to find the goodness in your parents, but there is and you just have to look and hold on to that memory that you remember that was good. My dad I can't say much for him. I can't find any goodness in him and I can't remember them. I only remember pain in places I shouldn't even make my mind think of. My mom had goodness and she still has it. She always helps people, maybe not her own, but she is always willing to help a stranger and if it is our last slice of bread, she'd give it to the stranger and tell us that there are people who are less fortunate then us, but what did my mom get for her kindness, nothing, not a thank you, nothing, what she did get was those people that she trusted had stolen from her, from us. Even now when I think about it I remember getting a gift I wanted for Xmas and after a day or two it would be taken away and sold for alcohol. Nothing good ever lasted in our house, but what had I will treasure and focus on and when my boys ask me stories about their granny, I will tell them the what a wonderful granny they had and tell them all the good stuff, I'll tell them how their granny had a voice like and angel, how she looked like an angel, but I will never tell them how heartbroken she was and how she turned out to become. I don't want my boys thinking bad of her as she is their granny and the pass is the pass. Yes she still has bad things to say about me. Brings me down as a mother, but my boys don't need to know that as that is between me and her. I could go on and on about my mom and her life. This is just a summary, but if I have to go back to when she was a child, she really had it tough. I might have had things done to me, but my mom lived on the street as a child, she grew up in stable. When she married my dad, they lived in broken down cars, so for her welfare was the best for her kids. I think my mom can get credit for giving us a roof over our head and even though I don't feel love from her, I think I have to go on that fact that she does love us and she just has her own way of showing it.
PS: Do you know that no one has contacted me about what the doctor had to say. She might be in hospital and no one lets me know. I phoned, but everyone is busy they will get back to me, I am still waiting. I sms and no reply, just a blank screen. If something has to happen to her. I will diffinately be sad as I am not a person to hold a grudge. She didn't ask for my life to be the way it was and I might have problems still, but I am thankful that I don't have a life like my mom had.
posted by DolphinC at
12:23 am
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