New Years Day - What a Day to Start Your Year
Well there is diffinately tension in this house today. So not what I expected. My husband has been moaning the whole morning, the whole day about things. So now we each in our own little corner ignoring one another. Me typing here, seeing to a sick baby and also trying to intertain my toddler who also seems to be getting sick. I am so hating News Years right now, seeing as how my year as started, I don't want to know what my year holds for me. How can you have such a good man who shuts himself from his family. Who enjoys the company mostly of his computer then of his family. We don't have much, but just for once I wish that these computers could be switched off and we could do something as a family. I am not talking about going out, but we don't even watch a movie together. When we are together as a family we are either talking about the kids or work. Kids not even the good things. I feel like I am the one trying to lift them up when he brings them down. I find myself at times taking my anger out on them. No not hitting, but shouting at every little wimp, cry or attention they want and who can blame them when they are stuck in this world of mine where I am closed in. When ever I want to do something then money always comes in. We don't have money (why does it have to be about money) or I have to work so I can earn money for us, so we can live. I feel like I am being put on this guilt trip all the time, that even though I am a work at home mom and don't earn much I am the one that is in the wrong. I don't know anymore. Well let me go and let my kids have a good New Year even if it is just the 3 of us making the best out of today.
UPDATE
Well my afternoon I spend soaking the bed with depression. I slept the whole day and at the world, angry at Baby and angry at Toddler. I just had to curl up into a shell and stay there or else I'd be doing something I regret taking it out on the boys. Toddler is now also sick, though not too bad just a blocked nose and he is still himself so nothing to really worry about. Baby is doing much better though he is still as miserable as anything, but at least you get a smile now and then. Well I only woke up at 6:30pm. My husband tried to wake me up earlier then that, but I was already at that point of being too depressed to get up and do anything. I didn't even feel like getting up to see to baby, I had to drag myself out. I just didn't feel like being shouted at so I guess the way I do it is by excluding myself from the presence of my husband. Well my husband felt bad for the way he treated me today and felt bad that we didn't do anything as a family even if it did mean us just sitting around doing nothing, so he phoned and cancelled his appointment for tomorrow and is going to be doing something with us, but then I felt bad about making a big fuss about staying at home and telling him that I felt like we living 2 seperate lives, it is either me and the kids or him and Toddler and me and Baby. I don't feel like we are a family. I told him that he just made me feel like I hate New Year and asked him what else does he have in store for me this year, because I'd rather know now then know later. Sheesh he was upset with me, but I really feel if you start your year in a bad way then it is going to end up being a bad year. All I asked for a break of cooking. All I asked was for time to be spent with me and the boys. He is going back to work soon and then I'm going to feel lost all over again. Is that how a family is suppose to feel where you feel lost? Sheesh I feel all we do is complain and then I think he should feel lucky to have me who doesn't just go out and spend money without asking him if I can get what I want (if it has nothing to do with food or things for the house), but I guess that is life one is always going to find some means to find something to argue about instead of rather making the best out of it and helping one another we end up hurting each other and making a small situation a big one. Making each other feel bad. I mean if I can feel like my husband is paying attention to us would I still feel this way.
UPDATE
Well my afternoon I spend soaking the bed with depression. I slept the whole day and at the world, angry at Baby and angry at Toddler. I just had to curl up into a shell and stay there or else I'd be doing something I regret taking it out on the boys. Toddler is now also sick, though not too bad just a blocked nose and he is still himself so nothing to really worry about. Baby is doing much better though he is still as miserable as anything, but at least you get a smile now and then. Well I only woke up at 6:30pm. My husband tried to wake me up earlier then that, but I was already at that point of being too depressed to get up and do anything. I didn't even feel like getting up to see to baby, I had to drag myself out. I just didn't feel like being shouted at so I guess the way I do it is by excluding myself from the presence of my husband. Well my husband felt bad for the way he treated me today and felt bad that we didn't do anything as a family even if it did mean us just sitting around doing nothing, so he phoned and cancelled his appointment for tomorrow and is going to be doing something with us, but then I felt bad about making a big fuss about staying at home and telling him that I felt like we living 2 seperate lives, it is either me and the kids or him and Toddler and me and Baby. I don't feel like we are a family. I told him that he just made me feel like I hate New Year and asked him what else does he have in store for me this year, because I'd rather know now then know later. Sheesh he was upset with me, but I really feel if you start your year in a bad way then it is going to end up being a bad year. All I asked for a break of cooking. All I asked was for time to be spent with me and the boys. He is going back to work soon and then I'm going to feel lost all over again. Is that how a family is suppose to feel where you feel lost? Sheesh I feel all we do is complain and then I think he should feel lucky to have me who doesn't just go out and spend money without asking him if I can get what I want (if it has nothing to do with food or things for the house), but I guess that is life one is always going to find some means to find something to argue about instead of rather making the best out of it and helping one another we end up hurting each other and making a small situation a big one. Making each other feel bad. I mean if I can feel like my husband is paying attention to us would I still feel this way.
posted by DolphinC at
12:29 am
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