Taking a Step Forward, Taking a Step Backwards
Well I had taken a step forward and posted about Baby not sitting. Well actually I didn't take the step for myself, Toddler took it for me. Even though I had posted as 'Update on the Boys' I was really asking for some advice, but refrained from making my post about me needing advice. Some how I hope that someone on the board will pick up that I am asking and give me the advice I need. At this point I will try anything. I wanted to take Baby to the Peaditrician, but my husband doesn't want me to. He tells me I am overreacting and that other premature babies only sat just before they turned 2 years old. I don't know I still fell like I need to find out from a professional if there is possibly something wrong or if being premature has something to do with it.
Well I still need to put my feelings on the board, but how do I do that, when I know that if I do what will happen is people will use it against you. When I went on to try and ask for advice, my hands started sweating, my throat went closed, my heart was beating so fast that I started to shake and when I saw what Toddler did (pressing the submit button). I was even more shaky, even more concerned what people will say and even more worried if someone is going to say I am craving attention. I am doing this or that. People are cruel I know. Why, because in my opinion when the attention is diverted away from them then they cannot stand it when they no longer are the one that is getting attention. That they feel that people have to listen to them because they are the ones that are always right and they cannot admit to being wrong at least if I am wrong I admit to it. Some people just cannot accept that not everyone is like them and that people go through different experience.
I was that girl that use to wake up in the morning cleaning the floor of vomit from my mother, brother and just from stranger that my brother use to bring there. I was the girl that use to see my brothers fight and not just play fight, fight that they have to go to hospital. I was the girl that saw my brother stabbed 17 times. The girl that saw her brother drink no stop. I was the girl that had to clean her bath that her oldest brother poo'd in. I was the girth that was the punch bag, the girl that absorbed everyone's pains. I was the girl that listen to this drunk person's life and that drunk person's life. I was the girl that watched her mother get drunk, that's mother left me to do my own thing on Xmas day while she was passed out on her cousin's bed.
When everyone looked forward to the holidays I looked forward to school, for to me school was my holiday. School was a place where I could be myself, until even there I could no longer be myself. Do you know what it is like to be on crutches, to have a broken leg. Not nice as you can't move around much and you can't swim with a cast on. Well the worse thing is being in the cast for longer then 6 weeks, because your brother takes your crutches away from you and makes you walk on your leg that is broken, the leg that you are suppose to lifting up and resting. Do you know how difficult it is when you are trying to hold 2 cups of coffee and your ankle is in pain, but you have to do it, because if you don't you'd get a slap through your face. I had already dropped 2 cups of coffee which I already had gotten 2 slaps. When everyone is staring at you and laughing. Yes you the black shadow in the family and no one tries to help you.
I remember coming home from school and I was at my sister's house my niece sitting on my lap we are playing. My brother went home early and was already drunk. He demanded that I go home to clean up. I said no as I didn't stay there anymore and why should I clean up a house that I don't live in. I had a friend with me too. My niece was telling my brother to leave me alone and held me tight. He then slapped me hard through my face in front of my niece and dragged me off the couch out of the house where he kicked me and hit me in front of this stranger to them friend to me. People wonder at times why I don't open up, well because this is why. I don't like people knowing the true me. I want them to know me now, me without the bad stuff and when people say they have been here and there and did this or that. I wish I could have had a memory like that. When they speak of what their childhood was like I close up and wish I had some good memories of my childhood. I don't want the same for my children they must have the childhood I never had. The must go on holidays. They must do things I never did, because they are kids. My childhood holidays was clean up this, clean up that, do this, do that and by telling people that only reflects me as a person seeking attention.
And this people use against you my reason why I felt threatened when I was told that I was 'possibly' making my children sick without me knowing it. People want to see what they want to see, they don't get to know you for who you really are. Just because they don't like something about you makes you to be the person that they say you are. I overcame that, but like I was told baby steps. Yes that is what it takes to heal complete. I forgive what was done to me, but I'll never forgive and I can never confide my true self to anyone agian.
Well I still need to put my feelings on the board, but how do I do that, when I know that if I do what will happen is people will use it against you. When I went on to try and ask for advice, my hands started sweating, my throat went closed, my heart was beating so fast that I started to shake and when I saw what Toddler did (pressing the submit button). I was even more shaky, even more concerned what people will say and even more worried if someone is going to say I am craving attention. I am doing this or that. People are cruel I know. Why, because in my opinion when the attention is diverted away from them then they cannot stand it when they no longer are the one that is getting attention. That they feel that people have to listen to them because they are the ones that are always right and they cannot admit to being wrong at least if I am wrong I admit to it. Some people just cannot accept that not everyone is like them and that people go through different experience.
I was that girl that use to wake up in the morning cleaning the floor of vomit from my mother, brother and just from stranger that my brother use to bring there. I was the girl that use to see my brothers fight and not just play fight, fight that they have to go to hospital. I was the girl that saw my brother stabbed 17 times. The girl that saw her brother drink no stop. I was the girl that had to clean her bath that her oldest brother poo'd in. I was the girth that was the punch bag, the girl that absorbed everyone's pains. I was the girl that listen to this drunk person's life and that drunk person's life. I was the girl that watched her mother get drunk, that's mother left me to do my own thing on Xmas day while she was passed out on her cousin's bed.
When everyone looked forward to the holidays I looked forward to school, for to me school was my holiday. School was a place where I could be myself, until even there I could no longer be myself. Do you know what it is like to be on crutches, to have a broken leg. Not nice as you can't move around much and you can't swim with a cast on. Well the worse thing is being in the cast for longer then 6 weeks, because your brother takes your crutches away from you and makes you walk on your leg that is broken, the leg that you are suppose to lifting up and resting. Do you know how difficult it is when you are trying to hold 2 cups of coffee and your ankle is in pain, but you have to do it, because if you don't you'd get a slap through your face. I had already dropped 2 cups of coffee which I already had gotten 2 slaps. When everyone is staring at you and laughing. Yes you the black shadow in the family and no one tries to help you.
I remember coming home from school and I was at my sister's house my niece sitting on my lap we are playing. My brother went home early and was already drunk. He demanded that I go home to clean up. I said no as I didn't stay there anymore and why should I clean up a house that I don't live in. I had a friend with me too. My niece was telling my brother to leave me alone and held me tight. He then slapped me hard through my face in front of my niece and dragged me off the couch out of the house where he kicked me and hit me in front of this stranger to them friend to me. People wonder at times why I don't open up, well because this is why. I don't like people knowing the true me. I want them to know me now, me without the bad stuff and when people say they have been here and there and did this or that. I wish I could have had a memory like that. When they speak of what their childhood was like I close up and wish I had some good memories of my childhood. I don't want the same for my children they must have the childhood I never had. The must go on holidays. They must do things I never did, because they are kids. My childhood holidays was clean up this, clean up that, do this, do that and by telling people that only reflects me as a person seeking attention.
And this people use against you my reason why I felt threatened when I was told that I was 'possibly' making my children sick without me knowing it. People want to see what they want to see, they don't get to know you for who you really are. Just because they don't like something about you makes you to be the person that they say you are. I overcame that, but like I was told baby steps. Yes that is what it takes to heal complete. I forgive what was done to me, but I'll never forgive and I can never confide my true self to anyone agian.
posted by DolphinC at
12:59 am
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