Where Secrets Lie

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Choosing, is it fair or unfair

On Saturday was my Son's Birthday. A few weeks ago we decided to have 3 in one Party for my niece, my son and my great nephew. All was going well until Friday when my husband snapped due to pressure at work, but taking it out on us. The issue of money came into it, then he didn't want to go to the party. When Saturday came we went. It was nice, but then my sister had baught my brother-in-law a cake and wanted us to stay a bit longer. My husband was upset with me, no upset is not the word, ANGRY. He gave me the cold shoulder all the way home. Then when we were home he didn't talk to me. I couldn't handle it, so I went to bed, which I did not get to sleep too well. This morning I felt ill I couldn't get up, actually I did not want to get up. I just wanted to stay in bed all day, but seen as my son wanted to open his gifts so he could play I pulled myself out for him. Then it hit me. My husband let out his feelings which was all very well and said I do it all the time, which is not true, then he told me that I need to decided what we should do about it. He spoke to a friend and that friend told him that he should have just drove away and left me there and he wouldn't take what I did it was wrong of me. It hurt, then after that he said 'either he leaves me or something needs to be done.' I understand he doesn't like going, but this is my family, my mom, my sister and it is not like we go every single day or every week or every month, but when we go it is a burden. How do you choose your family over your husband. How do you choose people you love. Does love matter anymore. What about the kids who never see my mom or my sister, their granny, their aunt, their cousins, etc. They miss out so much not seeing them. How do I keep them away. Some day my mom won't be around and how would I feel if she didn't get to see her grandchildren. We travelling a distance to husbands mom soonish, I don't want to go, but how can I say that, when she is family, when this is her grandchildren. I am not making a fuss about it. I am making light of it. The fact that he ever thought of 'leaving' me hurts, how can he think that, how can he say that. It hurt what he said and I still feel in shock and pain. My eyes are sore from crying, my blood feels like it boiling and my head feels like it is going to explode as I wonder is he right do we go our seperate ways. How can he push my love aside, My heart is in pain, it feels like I have been stabbed in the heart. I have lots of work to do. I can't even do that. I am just not thinking straight today. I can't get my thoughts in order. Let me take a deep breath and relax, I know I need to do that. I know I need to relax, but how can I when the 'leave' word hangs over my head. Has it really come to this in our relationship. All this over one incident. One stuff up, and the 'leave' word hangs over us. It is out there. It has been thought. Do I get out now before I get hurt more? What about the kids? It is there dad, what about my love for him? What? I ask myself countless times.