Where Secrets Lie

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

How Do You Feel About The Word Stupid?

Well I feel that it is a word that should not even be in the dictionary. I feel it that someone should be repremanded for calling someone stupid, but that is how I feel right now. You see Baby is 8 months already and he can't sit, he is getting there, but he still can't sit yet. He wobbles way too much. I do everything I did with my oldest son, but it doesn't help, but I still do it. Propping up of the pillows. Yesterday I just wanted to cry when my mom asked me how old Baby was and I told her. She was like 'what and he isn't sitting, he should be sitting already, you must prop him up with pillows.' Yeah did that been there, but it didn't work. I told her that he is a premature baby and that the doctor did say he might sit late then normal babies and her comment was, that is no excuse, you must be doing something wrong. I felt like such a bad mom at that moment. I felt stupid, I felt like I must be doing something wrong if my mom says so. I could feel the burning sensation of tears, but held it back and hoped and prayed I wouldn't cry in front of them. What am I suppose to do, do I take baby to the doctor? If the premature thing doesn't make a difference then why isn't he sitting already. Is he going to be 9 months and not sitting. I feel so lost right now. I had a good Christmas, my holidays were going well and then the stab in the heart. I feel like a reject every time my husband says to me shouldn't our child or baby be doing this or that. 1st Toddlers speach isn't like most 2 year olds almost 3 and our baby isn't up to date with a normal baby. Is there something wrong with me. I know I shouldn't use the premature thing as an excuse, but it really frustrates me, because even if I say well all babies are different I get the 'You a bad mom look', or I get told 'That I need to face reality all babies aren't that different.' I know I shouldn't worry about what other's say, but when you are the glue trying to make things right, your end dries and there isn't that partner side to hold it together. All my life I have been told I am stupid, that I am going to fail, that I am nothing, a no one. All my life that is what I thought. Then I met someone who lifted me up, that helped me see pass things, but now I wonder where that guy is. Even when something wasn't perfect he made me feel like it was ok, but now I feel like all I hear is this isn't good enough, that isn't good enough. This doesn't taste like this person's food or that doesn't taste like that person's food. My heart breaks and I feel like crawling into that shell I once had made for myself. I feel like leaving everything behind and just taking the good memories with me, but what does that accomplish 'Nothing'. You try to resolve the problem. You talk it through, you work through it and you try and make it right, but sometimes the right becomes a wrong and all your hard work gets unravalled. I feel like a record being rewinded and taking me back to the begining, no more like a stuck record, the pass pulling me one side and me pulling the other side. Which one will win I'll often ask myself, but find that each one just tires the other out that they both get stuck in the middle, but the 'me' perseveres and moves forward until I reach that spot again where I feel like I am being rewinded. Each day I tell myself I am not going to be like this and that, but I still land up being like that. I tell myself I am not going to talk, but I still find myself talking. I still find myself doing things that I say I wouldn't do. I don't want to be the girl I was 12 years ago. I don't want to find myself in that shell. Maybe my boys won't appreciate what I am doing for them. Maybe they won't appreciate me taking pictures of their Xmas and Birthday gifts, but I sit here and I wonder, what toys did I have as a child and I can't remember. My husband says to me today. Why you taking pictures of their toys. So I told him that it was for their memory book. What memory book, they aren't going to be interested in those things, they aren't going to be interested in seeing what gifts they got when they were small. Am I really being stupid doing it. Am I really being a child. Today was a horrible day. It all started with "me" giving the boys too much credit. Maybe I do, but I'd rather give them a lot of credit for what they do then underestimate their ability to do somthing. Am I wrong, frankly I don't care. I don't want the boys growing up thinking that their parents think they can't do something. I don't want them feeling the way I felt. Wishing, hoping that someone would say something nice when I did achieve an 'A' in a test, instead of Arrggghhhh, it is only one 'A', show me all 'A's' and I'll give you praise or 'the eggs aren't done to my liking and you get your face pushed into the plate and asked was it to your liking, no one is gonna want to eat your food. Now when something that I make is nice but not perfect I don't get well done for trying I get that plate of eggs in my face all over again and that hurts, because to me it isn't how perfect something has to be, but rather the fact that you tried is a big achievement. You can get told it isn't good, but always throw in a well done for trying when your someone special or your partner tries something for the 1st time. Don't rub their face in it, give them some credit for at least trying. That is what I do with my boys. If they don't do something perfect. I don't give the full credit, but I also don't tell them that they didn't do it perfect. I see when my husband tells Toddler that he hasn't done something well. He doesn't want to do the thing again, but when he gets told that he did well and it is good he tried well done, he goes back and back until he can perfect that task. I don't go back to perfecting a task, instead I give up, because who am I suppose to please. Christmas was the best day of my life (ok not my best day, that was when I got married, found out I was pregnant, held my first baby in my arms and then my second one, seeing their smile, hearing their laughter and just seeing them each morning I wake up, those are my best days of my life). Knowing that my husband is there even though things had been rough with us. These holidays have been good, until today and it is all because of one person who has to mess up your moment of enjoyment. I must admit making the decision to have Christmas at home was the best decision of my life, because at least my boys had no negativity and my toddler enjoyed the special things I did for him. That is what counts the most. I am going ot put what happend on Tuesday aside and move on, for that is the past. My baby will sit in due time. He is just taking a little longer then he should and what I should be happy about is that we have two wonderful loving boys. Be happy with what you have and greedy for what others have is motto to myself and it works for me, because it makes me realise that what I have is more then enough for me.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Do You Think You Know Everything

Don't you just hate it when poeple think they know everything?

I am so mad at my husband he is suppose to be on leave (what a leave). He went down everyday to work, because stuff has to be done before the New Year and I didn't mind that, but now what frustrates me is that this women that works with him (no one special in the building) keeps on bugging him about her computer. So time that he is suppose to have been spending on other work is now going on him doing her computer, which she could wait for next year. I mean what she going to do now with her computer when she is going to be on holiday anyway. I am so mad at the moment. Firstly he works all year and doesn't take leave during that year and then he is working when he is suppose to be on leave. Even if it is only for a few hours I still feel that he needs to have a long break from working. I am so worried about him having a breakdown one of these days. I wish he can say no he is on leave and just do what he wanted to do and not go doing things for everyone else. Can't people give him a break, can't this women give him a break. She had a leave, let him have his. She also thinks she knows everything. Sometimes she will be telling my husband his job, but gets it wrong and when he corrects her then she gets all huffy and puffy, because she 'has' to know everything. It is so frustrating. She isn't even working in his line of work. Her work has nothing to do with computers, but ya, I guess I need to put this venting aside and ignore her as long as she can keep her flirting to herself, I will keep my small frustrations to myself.

Ok frustration out for the day, going to make me coffee and then go and dress the boys.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

How I Wish Baby Could Sit

It is hurtful to hear how 6 month old babies are sitting and my baby who is 8 months and 1 day old cannot sit. He sit for a few seconds, but then will fall over. I don't know what to do anymore. Some people say that he will sit on his own time and all babies are different. The Peaditrician said I need to look at him not as 8 months but more like 6 months, but it still hurts. It makes me feel like I have done something wrong when someone says to me, he is 8 months already and he can't sit. I feel like I am using the premature thing as an excuse as a means to shut the person up and I feel that is wrong. Am I forever going to see him as a premature baby? Am I gonna forever think he can't do something because he was premature? There are babies that are born at full term and they weighed the same as Baby and some babies even weighed less and they were or are at full term, and they are sitting already by 7 and a half month. I know I should be happy with Baby that he is procressing nicely in other areas, like he babbles all the time even in the car. He says mamma, dadda, hoho (no that is not for Xmas, but for hello) and a word which sounds like no, no, no. He can hold his own bottle for quiet a long time which I am suprised at and plenty more, I guess I am just frustrated that he is frustrated because he so desperately wants to sit, but can't. He pushes himself up so nicely, but I think until he can sit he won't be able to sit in that sitting position, but all in time I just have to remember and persevere. Babies are different and I need to let him get there on his own and not try and put him just because I want him to sit.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

OMG - Boys Liking Pink

Toddler loves this staws you put in the milk and then there is instant milkshake. Well his 2 favourite straws is strawberry (pink) and the banana (yellow). Well we went to do some more Xmas shopping and Toddler wanted the strawberry straws, so I took it down from the shelve and gave it to him to hold. The lady standing next to me says, sheesh I would never let my child drink that, so I politely asked why after she took a box of the vanilla ones. So she says, no I don't mean I won't let him drink it, I mean I won't give him the pink one as that is for girls and I am teaching my son that it is ok to be homosexual. OMG I wanted to die. So I politely said to her, well if he wants to be homesexual, then that is his decision not for me to decide. I am not going to deny him a colour just because people says it is for girls. If he wants to drink pink milkshake then by all means he can drink pink milkshake. If he wants to wear a pink shirt then by all means he can wear a pink shirt and just for that I am on a look out for a pink shirt or top for my son, because personally I think why exclude boys and men from wearing a colour they might like just because it is pink. I was just about to walk away when she asked me if he wants to wear a dress would that also be alright, so I politely said yes, Are you going to tell a scottish man not to wear a kilt because it is a skirt and only girls and women are allowed to wear it. He is a child and if he wants to explore then he must explore, because how else is he going to find who he really is if he doesn't explore all aspects of life. Then the question came, what if he wants to play with a doll? Then he must play with a doll, in fact I bought him a doll before he even could walk and he loves it. He is so gentle with his baby brother, because he had been taught to be gentle with his baby doll, yes sometimes he does get out of hand and occasionally he will lash out to his brother, but the joys I see in him how he carefully will help me dress and change his brother is all because what I had taught him with the doll. His doll even has to sleep in his bed with him. When his baby brother is not in his chair then Toddler will place his baby in the chair. He will feed his baby and even tries to bath his baby, even though his baby is not made for bathing, so yes I will let him play with a doll and then I walked away. The women stood there as I walked away, most probably shocked by my answers, but I was so angry at this point that I wanted to snap this women's head off. I got to the till point, paid for my goods and was about to leave when she came behind me and her son holding a doll. She looked at me and said thanks for the eye opening, sometimes when you are brought up into this world you are taught that certain things are for certain gender and usually the boys are the ones that suffer. I am not going to let my son grow up like that. It is good to have helped someone realise that it isn't bad for a boy to like pink that it isn't bad for a boy to 'dress up', that it isn't bad for them to play with a baby doll, for all these are life experience for them, helping them to find their way in life and to find who they are. Helping them in a later stage to be a good father, to give them the opportunity to enjoy fatherhood, to experience what a mother experience (ok to an extent). I know what it is like to try and get my husband to make a bottle for baby, or to get him to cuddle with baby. He does don't get me wrong, but he stressess when it comes to holding and caring for a baby. He changes a nappy occasionally, but he'd rather look after toddler then look after baby. He never had the opportunity that I am giving to my boys. He never had siblings, he was the only one, but most of all he was taught that only girls plays with dolls. So my boys will be growing up learning that it isn't wrong to like pink, it isn't wrong to play with dolls and it is ok to be different. They are growing up to be children, to find who they are.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

This Story Is About My Mom

Today I just felt like crying. Last week my mom went to the doctor, she woke up and couldn't move her right arm, her blood pressure was high and she said she felt like she was going to pass out. Her one side of her body was in pain. The doctors gave her medication and I waited today to hear how she was, but no one phoned me. I have been edgy the whole day. I really needed someone to talk to, but didn't want to cry while I was chatting to someone. What made it worse was that yesterday we had people over for super, now I am not one to cook. No ways will I cook for anyone, because I am afraid they won't like it and I will have the plate of food thrown at me. Why that fear you might ask? Well if my brother didn't like something I made he'd throw the plate at me, but that is another story, this story is about my mom.

Today I sat and was thinking that my mom had never remarried after her and my dad got divorced. I always thought she deserved someone who could make her look like a princess like she use to be. I remember the beautiful long hair she had and remember thinking how I want to be a princess like my mom. I remember thinking what a wonderful person she is, even though later on in life she was no longer that princess that I wanted to be. I remember how she use to glow, that glow was gone, but I loved her regardless of the way she treated me or my brother and sister. Though she favoured the boys over the girls. I remember what caused it. It all started with my dad. You see he was an alcoholic, he drank, day and night every day. He went to all these meetings that you get, but it didn't help, he was just back on the alcohol when he came out. He use to beat my mom and I remember one specific incident where my dad hit my mom and she went flying into the kitchen getting her hair caught on the curtain hook that was attached to the bottom of the sink to hide the pots. I remember blood streaming from her eye. I thought her eyes were bleeding and that she'd never get to see again. I remember while her hair was caught on that hook my dad hitting her and not stopping no matter how much we cried and pleaded for him to stop what he was doing. I remember even a punch coming across my way and then my brothers. I remember him eventually grabbing her hair and dragging her that the chunk that was twined on the hook had been pulled out. I still can see the hair dangling from the hook when I think about it. I then remember how he threw us out on the streets. How my mom walked the street finding some where to sleep as she had an arugument with my aunt and didn't want to go to her. I remember eventually me crying so much from the cold that she put her problems she had with her sister and took us where we could be warm and cared for. I remember that day so clearly and I remember wetting myself and thinking that I was going to get a hiding, because I did not go to the toilet. I remember my aunt took us that night as always, she never turned us away, no matter how many times she would tell my mom not to come knocking if she wasn't willing to leave the Pig.

I can't remember when exactly my dad and mom's divorce had happen, but I do remember the day it happened, my sister and I were trying to get bees out of the house and when my mom walked in the door she had this look of relief, this look of now I can move on. She did, though her moving on consisted of taking care of us kids and making sure that we had a food eat and clothes to wear. She never worked and couldn't work. We were on welfare. I guess when you think of welfare you think of troubled kids, maybe I was a trouble child, that is why my mom got beaten and my dad had to leave, but what he had done I had known that if she didn't leave him. She would have surely died.

My mom's problems didn't stop there. My oldest brother treated her like she was dirt. He treated her exactly the way my dad did, even worse. Every weekend something in our house was broken. Xmas time became a time of 'I wish these holidays would end', I wish the weekend would end, I wish, I wish, I wish. My mom became more withdrawn and looked like rags. We use to tease her and tell her that she looks like a witch. Now as I look back I take that back. She took the insults, she stood her ground and she carried on. She started to drink (over weekends only) and then would let out her heartache, though her drinking got worse when my brother died from a motorbike accident and that is when my problems really started, but this post isn't about me.

I look at my mom now and I wonder how could she have survived what she went through with her husband, how could she have survived what we went through with my brother and the rest of the family. There are days when I wish I had that mom I once saw as a little girl. I wish I had that mom who had that beautiful long hair. I wish I had that mom who could have given me more compliments and helped me build my confidents in areas like cooking etc. I just wish my teenage years didn't have to be the mother to her. Sometimes I wonder and hope and do my utmost that I don't become dependant on my kids. That they don't have to be the parent. And I think that is why I removed myself from this board, because I couldn't take the thought that I might turn out like my mom, not the princess mom, but the witch mom. I love her dearly and I will always love her even though nearing her last, I will still be brought down and I'd still be told that I choice the wrong man and I am not wife material or mother material, but I still love her regardless of what she says, because she is my mom and I'll always have that princess mom that I will look up to. I will learn from my mom's experience to make what I had missed as a child an teenager not the same for my boys.

I know at times it hard to find the goodness in your parents, but there is and you just have to look and hold on to that memory that you remember that was good. My dad I can't say much for him. I can't find any goodness in him and I can't remember them. I only remember pain in places I shouldn't even make my mind think of. My mom had goodness and she still has it. She always helps people, maybe not her own, but she is always willing to help a stranger and if it is our last slice of bread, she'd give it to the stranger and tell us that there are people who are less fortunate then us, but what did my mom get for her kindness, nothing, not a thank you, nothing, what she did get was those people that she trusted had stolen from her, from us. Even now when I think about it I remember getting a gift I wanted for Xmas and after a day or two it would be taken away and sold for alcohol. Nothing good ever lasted in our house, but what had I will treasure and focus on and when my boys ask me stories about their granny, I will tell them the what a wonderful granny they had and tell them all the good stuff, I'll tell them how their granny had a voice like and angel, how she looked like an angel, but I will never tell them how heartbroken she was and how she turned out to become. I don't want my boys thinking bad of her as she is their granny and the pass is the pass. Yes she still has bad things to say about me. Brings me down as a mother, but my boys don't need to know that as that is between me and her. I could go on and on about my mom and her life. This is just a summary, but if I have to go back to when she was a child, she really had it tough. I might have had things done to me, but my mom lived on the street as a child, she grew up in stable. When she married my dad, they lived in broken down cars, so for her welfare was the best for her kids. I think my mom can get credit for giving us a roof over our head and even though I don't feel love from her, I think I have to go on that fact that she does love us and she just has her own way of showing it.

PS: Do you know that no one has contacted me about what the doctor had to say. She might be in hospital and no one lets me know. I phoned, but everyone is busy they will get back to me, I am still waiting. I sms and no reply, just a blank screen. If something has to happen to her. I will diffinately be sad as I am not a person to hold a grudge. She didn't ask for my life to be the way it was and I might have problems still, but I am thankful that I don't have a life like my mom had.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Ignoring It Actually Works

Time goes by so fast, before I know it I will be 30, though I only turned 28 a month and a half ago. I have been missing in action, been doing other things, but not blogging, just have not had time to. I have filled my days with activities for Toddler and try and fit in time to do house work, but by the time I get to the house work I see myself taking a nap with Toddler and Baby. It is so nice to be able to lie on the bed and watch them sleep. How they hold one another's hand or Toddler has a arm around Baby, I want to snap a picture, but in fear with all the noise I stop myself from doing it. I don't want to wake them up, instead I curl up next to Baby and put my arms around both of them and think what a wonderful gift they are to me. Though at time I wish I had a little girl, but I'm grateful for my boys and I am grateful that they are fine. After what I went through with Baby I cannot be even more thankful then I am already. Well now I am in dreamland and something is telling me to wake up, thinking that it is my husband, I turn around and tell him just a few more minutes, but this voice keeps on telling me that it is time to get up, so I get up cross and ready to snap and my husband to find that he isn't home from work yet. I see Toddler is missing, so I make my way to my office and there he is happily deleting things from my computer. Tired me forgot to put my password on. Thank goodness I had backed up my work that morning, I would have cried if he had deleted the stuff to find that he too can open the recycle bin and has emptied it already. My heart sank, I sat looked at him, didn't know if I had to shout or if I had to smack him. He stood there waiting for me to do something, but I didn't I sat by my computer, ignored him and undid what he had done. He tried to talk to me, but I just couldn't find myself talking to him, after he knows repeatedly that he must not touch my computer. I carried on doing other things and just ignoring him. He found himself a corner and sat there out of my way. Didn't finch a muscle, didn't cry, just sat there still waiting for me to say something to him, but I didn't. Eventually I calmed down and sat next to him. I still did not say a word, just sat there, until I heard this sweet little voice say, Shorry mum. I took him in my arms and he began to cry, just holding him close to me and him holding on tightly to me. I let him cry and then I softly said what he did wasn't nice and he mustn't do it again. If he wants to play on mommies computer he must tell me. Yes he is only 2 years old, but he diffinately understood, because every time he walked pass my computer he'd say no chut (touch), mum's puter and that after an hour and a half. Today I found myself trying to get him to do things for me, basic things, like putting his toys away, but all I got was no, no, no. I then decided I am tired of putting him in his room, I am tired of shouting at him or asking him 25 times to do something, if he doesn't want to do it, then he can just leave his toys where it is. So I left his toys on the floor and walked away, when he asked for me to play with him ball, I told him I will play ball with him when he puts his other toys away. No luck, he refused. He whined and groaned and threw a tantrum because I refused to play ball with him, but eventually when he saw I wasn't paying any attention to his bad behaviour he sat up, wiped the dry non existing tears and went to pick up his toys and put it away. We had a good day, even though I wasn't feeling 100% today, but just feeling like I have some control over one problem, helps the other problems seem less.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

What A Day To Start Your Day

Today close friends and I are getting together to exchange gifts (well the kids) and later on tonight we are suppose to be going to my sister's place so our car can get fixed, but do I really feel like today? My answer is no. I don't feel like going on the outing even though I know Toddler will love it. I don't feel like going to my sister either, all I want to do is close up everything and close myself up to the world. I am hating the way I feel, but this is the way I feel today. Why?

Well it goes like this: You wake up in the morning happy and so looking forward to the day when smack it hits you like a bomb. Your husband complains about having to go to the family and what burden it is and he wishes everyone will just leave him alone. I felt sick, he made me feel guilty, he made me feel like me and the boys are a burden. I hate feeling like this. All my life I felt like this, all my life I felt like I was a burden and I over came that and now I feel like that part of my life is starting all over again. Today I don't even feel like living. I grew up appreciating what was given to me, when someone helped me I was thankful and he knows we need the car fix. I fear that he is going to even work on Xmas day.

I know I need to lift myself up and just enjoy today regardless of what happened this morning, but I am so tired of being strong. Trying to be strong only makes you weaker and more tired. I am tired of building myself up only to find that it I get broken every time. If it isn't to do with money, then it has something to do with going to the family or something or the other.

New upgrade at work is driving me mad, it makes me feel like he is enjoying that more then actually wanting to spend time with his family. I am on the verge of packing clothes for the boys and myself and just disappearing, so he can have all the time he needs to do what he wants to do, so he can be left alone. I am on the verge of just shutting myself away from him and not bothering in trying anymore, if that is what he wants then that is what I am thinking of doing. I can't take it. I can't feel like the boys get very little attention. I am tired of trying to force him to spend time with them, even if it means going to the shop.

Toddler is acting up. Toddler and I are constantly at each other. I feel like leaving the boys and just disappearing for good. Make him feel what it is like to try and do a job and take care of the boys. For one's in this life time I wish and actually pray that he can just do something without complaining. Even our anniversary was a burden, because he would have preferred to work. I guess that is the way life goes.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Poems From The Past 3


Dear God,
I don't know what to do
I am so confused
My friend is not feeling happy
and it makes me sad to see her the way she is
God I don't want to be nasty,
but I can't take the pain any longer
what am I suppose to do, be sad
God I have a life too
I want to help her so much
and if I'm not strong
then I am hopeless
Hopeless in helping anybody
God she is making it difficult
for me to reach out to her
as she keeps on giving me a cold shoulder
Oh God what am I suppose to do
when she makes me feel so little
God am I worthy to have friends
if things go like this
I don't like complaining
especially about friends
Oh God please help me to understand her

Friday, December 01, 2006

Was going to bed, but thought I'd put some more Poems on

Just to say that everything isn't in order, so all my poems etc,etc, are all mixed up, but it is a story on it's own.

Prayer Two

Dear Lord, please listen to my prayer
I know you always do
and you are always there
You know all my secrets
and yet you do not turn me away
I know you by my side
and helping me through the battle
Lord, I know you want to see me happy
I want to be
I want to be able to teach others
of the love you give to me
Lord, I know I don't have the voice to sing
no matter how much I would like to
To be able to sing about you,
but it will never happen
as my confidence has been broken
Lord, I'm not a killer
and I don't want to be Lord
No matter how many times they hurt me
I wouldn't be able to take their life,
but Lord I don't know what todo
and seen that I go into the mood
A mood to kill, though just in my head
Lord, I'm scared
Please help me and guide me
Lord, please be with me
and help me to always stay calm
To always remember who I am
And help me not to loose myself


There she was a lonely dancing princess
waiting for someone to dance with her,
but no one dared to touch her,
for they knew they'll surely die.
Her moves were those of a sad dance
a dance no one else understood
only those who were very close,
but still no one dared to dance with her
Her eyes filled with tears
and her dancing faded
as it became boring to her
She became isolated
and never spoke a word again
everyone knew she was not a princess
but in their eyes she danced like one,
she smiled like one and she laughed like one,
but all she really was, was a normal girl
that someday her prince charming
would carry her away from the evil that surrounded her
Her dancing faded
and so did she
She was never seen again.


There she was
Her hair flowing gently
as the wind blew through
Her eyes sparkling
as she looked out towards the sea
waiting and hoping her love will come
It grew dark and cold
The stars began to twinkle
and made her look like princess
waiting for her prince
Time went by, but still she stood
not saying a word
and not moving a foot
She stood there
and watched the waves break
Then finally he came
excited to get close to his love
but time had went by
and he never seen her again.


I met this guy
who stole my heart
I thought I was dreaming,
but it's true
HIs mine and I love him,
but what is love?
To me love is just another non feeling
and never to be used by anyone
I was scared to get serious
I always thought things would never work out,
but they have and I am lucky
Can one call it lucky?
No, it's not luck, his a gift from God
and he is my gift
He is like gold
especially his smile
It makes me want to crumble
just to know that smile is for me
I never knew what love was
until I met that special person
and until I felt the love inside
Love is just not another non feeling
but a feeling of happiness and joy
A feeling of sharing the happiness
with each other
and the happiness of caring.


First we were friends
and it happend on those Admin steps
that I met the one I love
It was those steps where we got talking
and now we are together
It was those steps
where things had happend
It was those steps
where we first kissed
and now my friend is staring
Oh yes she is and guess where
Oh yes on those steps
on those steps of Love
Just one step at a time
that's all you have to take
to make your dreams come true
as if you don't your dreams might fall
and those steps won't be completed
so take the advice
and follow the steps
the steps that will lead you to the one you love.


It's time to say good-bye
To leave the school we love
It's time to start a new
and carry on where we left
We might be far away,
but our heart will be with you
How can we ever forget what you've taught
us through the years we were here
We've seen your laughing face,
We've seen the struggle that you had,
But still it did not cause us to hate
the things you've done.
You piled us up with school work,
which made it hard for us to have fun,
But still we love you School
and you'll always be in our hearts
It's time to say good-bye
to carry on with what we've learnt
We'll never forget you
and we hope you'll never forget us
We love you School,
with all the friends we made
It hard to say good-bye
to those we learnt to know
Good-bye School, good-bye


Standing under the sky
As it folds me with it's blankets
I think of you, that first time you kissed me
No one else is in my thoughts but you
No matter what others say we are one
words cannot say it
niether can a song
words are hard to find
I didn't know it could be so hard
why do you make life tough for me
when I told you over and over
that I love you
Is it some fairy tale
or a dream that lasts for a second
why, tell me why
does it have to happen this way
All my problems you know
All my cries for help you know
so why when you know so much
does it have to end for us
Love is blind like others say
and so that's the way it'll be
The end has come


I thought I'll writhe a Poem
A poem with happy thoughts,
but nothing really seems to be happy
everything looks so dreary
So I put my mind at ease
and thought about you
Memories stared flooding
with happy thoughts
Nothing now can get in the way
My mind is fixed on you
and the happy moments spend each day
Those moments of dreary feelings
has changed into moments of happiness
and it's all because of you
Maybe that's why I love you so much
why I love being around you
and why I love sharing things with you
Yes it's that, but it's also because you are yourself
and I love you just the way you are.


Dear Lord,
I just can't sleep
I'm so frustrated, I feel like giving up
Giving up on everything
My mind is filled with fighting
Fighting with others and fighting with myself
Lord, there is a war,
awar deep down inside,
a war that doesn't seem t owant to end
It's okay saying that I'm fine,
that everything is just going to be the way I want it,
but Lord, I don't know how much longer
how much I can take before
I'll break into microscopic peices,
before my head will start to swell
like an air balloon
I don't know Lord,
I just don't know,
but one thing I want to do right now Lord,
is put my head on the pillow
and dream or hope for a better day tomorrow


In the corner of the wall
is pictures of me and my love
Pictures I treassure,
Pictures of love
I call that corner,
Love on the wall
which I once heard from a friend
while he mistook a tittle of a movie
On that wall I see happiness
Happiness which I found throught year
It reminds me that I'm not alone
That love and friendship
overcomes the power of hatred
I will never shut that wall away
For I want everyone to see
that they to can have
a love on the wall


So many times I wonder
and sometimes I wonder to far
how preciaous every day is
that we often take for granted
and nothing really matters
and life is just a blank
instead of letting God in
we push him away
He really cares about us
although we cannot see him,
hear or touch him
He makes all things beautiful
so we can see his love for us
but yet we close our eyes to him
and make the beauty look black
He is calling out our names today
to come an follow him
but yet we do not hear him and go the other way
It's time to open up our eyes and say
Lord I want to be your child

The next one I wrote for a friend who was abused.


My friend, I know that you are hurting
The pain is deep
and you just can't get away
You lie awake at night
thinking about the past
and the pain people caused you
My friend, I know the pain,
I know what you are going through
You try to hide it as if it was your fault,
but my friend it's not
and I'm by your side all the way
The road is long and dark
there isn't a light in sight,
but my friend the light will come
and together we can make it
My friend, I'm there
and I promise that you'll get through the hurt
You might think that you won't be happy,
but my friend, happiness awaits you
Be patient and keep your faith,
as one day, my friend
You will have all the happiness you need
My friend, nothing is going to seperate the friendship that we have
For the love we have for each other is stronger
then the pain anyone can cause

Poems From The Past 2


The time has come to put the past behind
It may not be easy
but it's worth the try
I cannot live in the past
as it is not important
as living in the future
Life might seem confused
and things might go wrong
but living in a family
a family that belongs to God
a family that assures things will change
I might not be perfect
and feel that I don't belong
but some where along the line
My heart feels right
There's nothing as great
as being happy
and knowing someone cares
Someone who reaches out a hand each day
and nothing is as important
as taking hold of it
It feels really good to know
that we aren't alone
in a world that turned out bad


I heard her voice on the phone
a voice that sounded concern
concerned for her children
I've never heard it before
as it always felt as if she rejected them
never wanting to get involved
and when she did
She made them feel bad
They loved her
but it seemed as if she hated them
It felt as if they were a problem in her life
Making her life a living hell
The young one was confused
She did not know what to do
She felt it was all her fault
The blame was pushed on her
She grew up with the hurt
and longed to hear some happiness
but all she heard was angry voices
telling her what to do
her mother was no longer there
She became someone who had to get the blame
but when she opened up
her world began to change
and happiness filled her life
and just hearing happiness on the other side
was a big change for her


I do not like Maths
especially the teacher
He makes me feel uncomfortable
and always seems to ignore me
He seems to think he can rule us
and tell us what to do
He doesn't hear what we have to say
He makes us feel like a loser
as if there is no hope
He goes over one sum
almost the whole period
and still we do not understand
a thing that he has said
Instead of saying poraboula
He says barabolae
It really sounds funny
The way he says these things
but still he is no use to me
My head is like a maze
that hasn't got a glue
what to do
He is confused
and wrse of all
I am too
Who ever said that Maths is great
when someone from Transvaal
Thinks he knows it all
He should try something else
Maybe then he will be liked
but at the moment he'll forever
be the Teacher who confuses everyone


I heard a little voice
Telling me that someone cares
Someone who is tall
and has black hair
someone who has a great smile
a smile that will make
everyone want to be in his presence
A smile that especially warms my heart
and makes me feel good inside
But that is not all
this little voice told me
It told me that this person love's me
at first it was hard to believe
but then I've realised
that this person loves me very much
Love a word that hurt me before
but now it is a love that warms my heart
and makes me want to love too
this little voice also told me
that this person's also special
and this little voice is right
as he is special to me...


Nightmares how did it come about
to stick with her for life
It all happened when a little girl was hurt
That's how it all began
A hopeless little girl
who had no power to fight
A girl who got the blame
for things that all went wrong
A girl who feared her life
but did not know how to solve the problem
and then the nightmare began
she was all alone
far from the city
alone amongst nowhere
well nowhere menaing she never had a clue
No one was around
The world just kept on turning
and only she was there
but then she sensed someone was close
someone was watching her
someone who she knew
and her world became a world of two
a world where hurt changed into pain
She couldn't get away
she was trapped in his lions arms
that's how her world had changed
and nightmares became a game


I see a crowd of people
happy and cheerful
I wish I could join them
but I feel so insecure
Nobody understands
except the ones that have been hurt
The ones that have gone through the same pain
or even worse
I think of those whose been hurt
and knowing that I will never be able to help
I love being around people
but it's just won't happen
when I'm around them
I want to get away
I want to curl up into a ball
and hide myself from them
ido not want to do it
but it just happens
and no one understands
except those who have been hurt

(When I read this poem I think of the board I was on and how much I have shared that and how I actually felt like I stepped out of the fear zone of being around people and then when I got that email I felt that urge to retreat which I did and curl back into my shell and shut the world once again out. Now I am healing and slowly opening up again and stepping out into the crowd, but yet I'll always have the fear that I will always be in the wrong. I know I cannot be right all the time, but I know that life is short and being in a shell does not help you be the person that you are, it only makes you think of waht a bad person you are and you don't think of what a good person you are. So take the time [Like I did] and write down 10 good things you love about yourself. If you think something negative write it down, but then stop writing and put your list away and start again the next day, until you get to a point where all you are thinking is 10 good things about yourself. When I started I thought, this is easy I can do it, but found myself stopping after I only wrote 2 good things about myself and writing 3 bad things about myself. I finally got to my ten and when I feel bad for example I feel like I am fat. I look at the ten good things about myself and I tell myself I'll get to where I want to be in my weight, but as long as I feel good about myself the weight is not an issue. Persevere, hold on fast to the good things in your life and enjoy each day as they come. You will reach your goals and you'll find that your 10 list of good things about yourself will become an endless list of good things.