Where Secrets Lie

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I Wonder

For all these years I have wondered if I was the only one that was being hurt. I wondered what made me stand out from the rest of the family? Why was I the one that was being put through this? I learnt to deal with it, but I also learnt to live with it. I moved on and made a life for myself with two beautiful boys and a wonderful husband that I truly love.

I am sure people wonder why do I put myself through going there over certain weekends? I do it for my family. Yes the preditor is there and he watches me, but every time I go there I get stronger and stronger. I stand on my own two feet and I am able to stand up for myself. I am me, I am a God's child and I live for now.

A few weeks ago my cousin confessed something to me or more like opened up to me. After I had left things started happening to her. Was it only her? Was there others? Did he hurt his kids, my nieces? All this goes through my mind. Did he only hurt the two of us. She looks like me, did he hurt her because he saw me in her? Why, why did this happen? I got out only for someone else to get hurt.

I saw things that made my heart break. How could he do that to her? He says he loves her, but then he does things like playing with someone elses breasts allowing someone to take pictures. Did my sister see it? Did she see what he was doing to her 'so called friend'. It breaks my heart, my heart bleeds for her and people say make a stand, but is it worth loosing my sister again after we started to become close again. I will loose my family and once again I'd be shut away.

There is a rumour going around that I slept with him, how can someone say that when they don't even know the story. A rumour that I get around, OMG are they that jealous? I was not that girl. I did not sleep around and I did not have an afair with him. So if you don't know the whole story you make up your own, or if you can't face the truth you make up a lie, that is how it works in my family. I got myself through those harsh times, being called names, being humilated and ashamed of who I was and ashamed of my body, but I looked up and worked to something more precious, living life, enjoying each moment and appreciating what I have. Do I forgive him? Yes I do. Do I trust him? No I don't. Never again will I be able to trust him like I did when I was a little girl, but I forgive him. I moved on. I followed my dreams and still am doing that. I have mended my broken heart. When I look at my kids I smile as I see something more precious and I thank God for the love he has sent me through them and through my husband. I walked a rough road and every day I still stumble and cry at things I can't get myself to do because of what had happend in the pass, but I remember that God is with me every minute and walks with me on that rough road and when I look I see a smooth path and not the rough road.

I remember what my cousin told me and I am happy that she told me as I now know that what everyone was telling me all those years about me lying, making up stories and dreaming was in fact not true. I had the will power and the strength of God to get out of the situation I was in. I was able to make a new life, able to get better, to heal my wound and able to forgive. Should I have done more, should I have fought for him to go to jail? What good would that have done if my sister was in danger. What would that have done for me, when what I needed was to be strong, when I needed to be healed. Yes they say speak your voice, but how can you speak your voice when you are hurting and forever will remain in that situation.

Facing my monster makes me stronger. Makes me know I have forgiven him for what he has done. Facing him shows me that he can't hurt me no more and if he tries I have the power to stand up and say no, stand up and let everyone know right there and then what sort of man he really is. Life goes on, hold on to your dreams. Listen to your heart and keep on finding yourself. Live for yourself for no one else, but yourself. Hold on to your dreams and strive for it. Don't let the hurt get you down, it is only hurt, the true love you find inside yourself is more rewarding then the hurt. Love, care and friendship mends what once was hurt. Learn to forgive, truly forgive, before you face your monster as hatred will just make you weaker. Trust in God to guide you. Ask him to show you the way and to walk with you on your rough road. Let him pick you up and carry you and help you to learn to trust and forgive. Forgive those who have done harm to you and trust those who truly love you. You are special don't let anyone say otherwise.