Where Secrets Lie

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Don't give up hope

The other night Julie had a dream. She dreamt she was walking down this long corridor, it was dark and the wind was blowing. The windows were wide open and the curtains were moving vicurously as the wind blew. She didn't know where she was, but she carried on walking as she heard a voice, not just any voice, but that of a little girl. The little girl was crying and kept on calling out to Julie. She kept on walking, but every time she thought she got closer to the door she felt she moved further away. She eventually got to the door, it was a heavy oak door and on the door was carved 'Hope'. The door had a silver door knob. She turned it slowly expecting to find nothing, but as the door opened there before her very eyes stood a little girl with green eyes and black curly hair. She smiled up at Julie and held her arms up to be picked up. Julie felt like a force was drawing her closer to this little girl and she picked up the child. Her heart felt warm and happy as she held this little girl close to her. She felt all her love go towards this child and all her passion to love this child even stronger. She felt a tear come down her face and then the child looked up into her eyes and wiped a tear and said 'Mommy don't cry, don't give up hope.' She drew her daughter close to her and felt as that little girl disappeared in her arms and all she was holding was air.

Julie did not know what to think of this dream. Could have just been a dream for her longing for a daughter? Could it be that maybe she some day will have a daughter? But deep down in Julie's heart she felt that there was not going to be that opportunity, she was not going to have that little girl she always dreamt of. The factory was closed her husband said, so thinking that a 3rd might be a possibility is out of the question. Julie loves her boys to bits, but even though she loves them, she has this yearning, nagging heart for a girl. Some women are so lucky as they get what they want, but poor Julie tried for her girl and disappointment filled her when she found out that it was a boy. Even deep down inside she knew it was a boy, she had hoped and hoped that she'd have her little girl. She has come to peace with not ever having a little girl, but ever since this dream she has become unsure of what to make of it. Dreams do they mean something? Are dream's meant to be? Dreams, dreams, dreams. They tell you one thing, but then life gives you the opposite.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Do You Know Me?

Look into my eyes and tell me what you know about me?
Look into my eyes and tell me why you think that?
Look into my eyes and tell me that you can prove who I am?
Yes Look into my eyes and answer me.

You assume I am this and that.
You assume I am false.
You assume I make up stories, at times I wish I did,
so my life could be simple
You just assume

You judge me for the clothes I wear
You judge me for the way I talk
You judge me because it gives you pleasure,
but do you judge me by getting to know me,
No you just plain judge.

You think you are better then everyone around you
That the world only stops for you
You think that all attention must be on you
No one else is allowed even a drop of fame
You scared that people will like others better then you

This is what I say,
Stop, stop judgining me,
Instead get to know me,
Talk to me
and if you have a problem with me
Let me know

I am only human
I try my best to be the person I am
I cannot be the person you want me to be
I cannot change what I am
If you don't like who I am and think I am false
then I'm sorry that you feel that way
For who I am and what I give
comes from my heart,
not from something I make up
to get attention

I hide my secrets I don't tell you half of what I go through
Or what my past was like
I live for the future
I live for my kids
I live for my husband
but most of all I live for me.

If you don't like it
I am sorry you feel like that
It doesn't make me less of a person
If you don't really want to get to know me
and I'll end by saying
I am happy with being me

Monday, March 12, 2007

Making Your Own Money

Today was so not such a good day for Julie, it started off well, but when they took Chris to the hospital her heart broke as the doctor was unsure what is keeping him sick and then they had to take him for an allergy test. As she saw her baby's face as he cried her heart melted like ice. She wished she could be the one lying there instead of him, but she also knew that it was the best thing to do to find out if Chris has any allergies and to get down to the bottom of his illness. She awaits patiently for the test results which the doctor said that she'd be contacted within 48 hours. Seen as the Singular was not working for Chris the doctor put him on Celestamine. Hopefully this time it will worlk.

Julie thought about the R200 she had given to her Leo so she could get photography equipment. A friend had asked her if she wanted to go to the movies with her and her daughter. She said yes, but the day before the movies had to turn her friend down due to the fact that Leo didn't want to give money for them to go out. Julie was very hurt by his coment: 'If you make money I won't complain if you want to go out.' 'Julie looked to the floor holding back the tears and wondering how can he say it. He did it again. He didn't have to go into the whole thing about working again. He could have just told no.' She hates this every now and again remarks about work. It pains her that she can't give her son's what they want. Or she can't take them places. Her heart cried even though there were no tears. If only her photography would pick up. If only she could make some money, If only..........

Julie sat down by her computer and opened her diary and began to write how she felt. How useless she feels and how she gets this weird feeling in her heart every time she has to ask Leo for money. She thinks is their marriage based on money? Are they only happy when they have money? Why does she have to feel like this. All her life she had felt like she had nothing and she didn't. Most of her stuff was hand me downs. When she did get some things it was stolen and sold for alcohol. Nothing lasted in there house. Julie thinks should she get a job, what about Chris? If she gets a job it will just cover for someone to look after Chris at home, because he just cannot go to creche with his weak immune system. Well maybe she thought her photography will pick up? If only.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

When You Think The Kid's Are Asleep

From now on I am going to use names, for different characters, not real names.

Julie remembered when she walked in on her parents she was barely 3. She remember attacking her father and telling him to stop hurting her mommy. Well on Saturday afternoon Julie and Leo decided to have a afternoon 'nap'. Wyatt the 3 year old went into his own bed in his own room and baby Chris was asleep in his cot. Well of was that nap good, even though mommy was not in the mood, for fear that Wyatt would walk she tried to be persistent, but the tension was so high in her that she let herself go. She let herself float away and cleared her mind only to focus on Leo. Leo and Julie were the only ones in the house, the only ones in the room. She didn't hear anything just the soft sound of Leo breathing in her ear and all she felt was the gentle touch of his body. She felt so good as if nothing in the world mattered as if all there was was this lovely fluffy cloud with just the two of them. She didn't hear Wyatt come in she was in another world. OMG Wyatt Leo said. Wyatt stood by the door looking at his father and mother, the look on his face was scary. When he saw his parents look at him he ran out, not sure what to do. Then he came and stood on his mom's side and said 'Wyatt sleep by mum.' He really looked concerned.

Julie and Leo got up and dressed laughing at their mistake of not closing the door, but they really thought that Wyatt was asleep. Julie then made the comment to Leo, No more Saturday Afternoon naps when we still have the kids in the house. Well it must happen to everyone. It wasn't the first time, but the other times Julie and Leo were aware of him and he was a lot younger, this time they don't even know how long he was standing there. Did he see everything? Julie had vouched when she has kids it would never happen, but it did twice. Well after that Wyatt followed daddy and mommy around the house. He didn't trust leaving his parents alone together, for he never new what might happened.