Where Secrets Lie

Thursday, January 25, 2007

It Is The Little Things In Life That Count's The Most

Yesterday Morning I woke up (my husband had already left for work) sat by my computer and there was a note from my husband it said 'Thanks for filling up the water bottle, Love You (smiley face)'. He went to bed before me and I saw that his water bottles had not been filled so I filled them and put them in the fridge as he takes water every day to work. We both are getting into a habbit of drinking lots of water, even toddler is drinking more water then he usually does which is so nice, because when there is nothing else to drink then at least you have water. It felt good to feel appreciated even if it was just a tiny thing I did getting the note that said that said thank you made me feel good and made me want to do more. We all should do this now and again show your spouse or someone special how special they are by thanking them for the little things they do for us, because it will not only make them feel good it will also make you feel good.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Toddlers, They Never Give In

I am so angry at the moment. Toddler keeps on climbing into Baby's cot and smothers him with the blanket. I spent the whole morning playing with him, building puzzles, reading books saying the colour, etc, etc, just playing. All I needed was some me time so I came and sat by my computer and put Toddler by the TV to have a bit of relaxing time. Nope Toddler doesn't sit to relax. 5 seconds and I hear baby crying on the baby monitor, now I had put baby down for his nap, poor baby is so exhuasted. I thought I was going to kill Toddler. Anyway I stayed calm took Toddler out of the cot and gave him a warning. The second time I took him and gave him time out. Nope it didn't help as he was back in the cot. I couldn't do anything, wether I made myself a cup of coffee or went to the loo, he'd make his way into Baby's cot. It drove me made and after taking Toddler out the cot for the 10th time (I kid you not, this child of mine was persistant and showed me he is boss), I snapped took him out and gave him a hiding on the bum and put him in his bed. I just did not know what else to do with this child. I feel really bad that I smacked him, but like I said what was I suppose to do when nothing seemed to work. All I asked for was time to drink some coffee and eat. I find myself not eating unless my Husband is home. I land up eating one meal a day (not good I know, but with a toddler who wants 100% attention it is difficult to get something into your stomach). Well my day is not going so well, I can't wait for Toddler to start school tomorrow. I love him to bits, but sometime enough is enough especially when Baby needs his rest and isn't resting properly because Toddler is torturing him. I have been so good when it comes to giving hidings, but this was just enough and I am finding now that it is the only way he stopped going to torture Baby and now hopefully baby can have a peaceful rest and a good sleep.

I was so amazed how a friend who does not have kids told Husband how he had noticed how Toddler is seeking his attention. Husband tried to blame it on the fact that Toddler sees him as the authority figure (which is true), but like the friend said to him that doesn't have anything to do with being the authority figure, he is seeking attention because Husband does not spend enough time with Toddler. I just sat there and listened how this friend (Male friend too) was saying how Toddler needs his Father to play with him, how he needs his Father to do things with him. It was so amazing a friend who has not seen us for over a year had picked this up in just spending a few hours with us. I wanted to tell Husband 'I told you so', but I stopped myself and just smiled in my heart. I must admit that Husband has been making more of an effort. When he goes to work even if it is for a short while he takes Toddler with. When he went in the morning to work and Toddler was awake he took toddler with and Toddler was happy and mommy was happy because she could just relax a bit. Now the holidays are over, but thank goodness for school which starts tomorrow. I am so going to need that me time ok will have baby, but at least baby can have his nap while Toddler is at school.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Why Are Some People So Stubborn

Just got off the phone with my sister. Apparently my mom isn't doing well. Last week she was bleeding (like she had her period), she has become so sick my sister told me she can't walk, eat or even drink. They had to bath her yesterday and found lumps by her virgina. I am sad, but now I feel even more sad. Knowing that maybe she won't make this year. Well my mom is being so stubborn she won't go to the doctor. Though my sister is going to take her as soon as my brother-in-law gets home from work. I feel so sad at the moment knowing that I can't do anything. The bleeding had stopped, but still she should have gone to the doctors and she didn't, now she gets these lumps and she still doesn't want to go. I wish I was there. I hope all is going to be ok. My sister said that they might keep her in the hospital, she hates hospitals, she won't stay a day there. It is so sad to see old people suffer. I am really worried about her not eating. I hope she gets to live to see Baby turn one. I know I can wish and pray and hope for to live, but I also know that when it is her time she has to go, I just didn't expect it to come so quickly. On Xmas day she looked fine though she couldn't sit for too long and had to lie down every now and again. It is just so hard to believe that a strong women like my mom can be so fragile and be weathering away.


Spoke to my sister and they got my mom to the doctor. She has now sugar diabetes and the bleeding was caused from warts which she has alot of and it is spreading below there. Because of the walking the warts rubbed up against each other causing the bleeding. She has to see the doctor in a weeks time and has to make an appointment to have the warts removed, before it spreads any further. I still can't believe this strong women that overcame physical and mental abuse could be someone that needed caring for. I would have loved to have her by me so I could take care of her, but I know how my husband would feel and he'd also feel it is unfair as his mom is older then my mom and she is also fragile and also needs to be cared for. I actually don't mind having his mom here. It isn't in my nature to shunt someone away, but he doesn't like his space and comfort zone to be interfered with. I had a nice distraction though. A friend came to fetch me and baught me a lovely top which I will wearing out on Monday with her. Thank you friend, you know who you are and I took my lovely foot stuff I got from My Secret Friend and used that to relax. Going to have a good evening, might even relax in the bath later. Will see.

Monday, January 08, 2007

What do you look for in a friend?

I was asked today that question.

What makes your friends special?

Well this is my answer:

A friend is someone you can trust, but not only who you can trust, but someone who trusts you.
A friend is someone who listens and also is there to hear.
A friend a is someone you enjoy being with and enjoy doing things with, but also a friend is someone who you enjoy doing things with and being with.
A friend is someone who is willing to help, but also willing to accept help.
A friend is someone who will drop send messages and likes recieving messages from you.
A friend is someone you want to give something special to you and someone who loves recieving gifts from you.
A friend is someone who wants to have coffee and doesn't makes excuses and a friend is someone who you want to have coffee with, without you making excuses.
A friend is someone you have to find within yourself, before venturing out and making friends. For once you have found a friend in you, you'll find a friend in others. Enjoy your company, enjoy having coffee with yourself, enjoy doing things with yourself, listen to yourself, help yourself and accept help. Say kind words to yourself. Treat yourself with something special. For if you can be this to yourself only then will you find true friendship. For true friendship starts with you.


Do you have secrets?
Yes I have secrets. I have secrets from all my friends that told me stuff. To me keeping a secret when someone tells you something is important, because that person has confided in you. I have one secret of my own which I don't care to share with people, that is a secret that is just for me. It isn't a bad secret, but it is a secret.

Is it important to keep secrets?
I think it all depends. Like the time when I wa being hurt and was told to keep it a secret. I couldn't keep it a secret as it just felt wrong. Not all secrets are good and not all secrets should be kepts, but when it comes to my friends I think no matter what the secret is, I should keep it a secret until they are the ones that are ready to let it out.

Now what if a friend is being abused and she confides in you, do you speak to someone about it or do you keep it a secret? Would you risk your friendship and hope she comes around and forgives you?
I don't think it is my place to go and speak to someone about it. I think it is my place to help her, to make her report what is happening to her. No I don't think what is happening to her is right. I could never report it without the person's consent. I'd rather her still be my friend then have her hate me forever and I am not just saying it, I know what it is like to have your trust broken and I could never risk our friendship and hope that she can forgive me. Especially if she had been a good friend and had kept your secrets.

Did you ever report a secret that you were suppose to keep a secret?
I had told someone about my best friend who was being abused. From that day we had not been good friends. We've had tension between us ever since. She had become withdrawn and from still today we are not friends no matter how hard I tried to be her friend or to be there for her she had shut me out. If I had the choice of making things right I would have never have reported the abuse. It only made her life worse then what it was and I became the bad one. To this day she had never told anyone about what had happend to me and because of that I am thankful which I told her.

Secrets to me is important, but being there for a person and helping them through tough times is even more important. I'd rather be there next time then push them away and let them push you away.

Even when I had confided in someone about what was happening in my life, my trust was broken and that person had spoken to my mom. Do you know what it is like to have someone not believe you. The person who you confided in and then your own mother. My life became hell and from that day I understood what my friend was going through when I had reported her abuse. I hated everyone around me and I found that there was no one I could chat to. All I wanted was someone who I could confide in, someone who would listen to me, someone who could guide me as I decide what is the best option would be. I didn't want someone who was going to confront my issues, I didn't want someone who was going to tell the person if it happens again then there will be drastic meassures. I didn't want the person to get my mom and make me tell the details in front of her. I felt sick and even though it was the second time I seeked helped and again I was let down my world became even more of a crumbled cake. I had my brother perade in front of me naked, hitting me and asking me 'am I abusing you, am I, am I, so why do you tell lies.' I had this family and that family member hitting me, from the youngest to the oldests. Do you know what it is like to be pinned down and hit by drunk people, your body is sore for ages. Do you know what it is like to have your only sister hate you so much and not believe you? Do you know what it is like to have no one come to your baptist, because they weren't interested in what happend to you because you have nothing better to do in your life but 'make up lies'. It is hard, it is difficult. Trying to prove that you aren't a liar, you aren't stupid.

Do you know what it feels like when you think you failled? When your report card had been tampered with and you get a hiding because you didn't pass, you get told you stupid, useless why were you ever born. Just thinking about it hurts, but I persevere and I move on and having gone through that makes me so paranoid when it comes to my kids. I try and find a balance. Where I don't tell them that they are stupid when they can't do something, but rather that they did their best and maybe next time it will be better. I wish I had the encouragement that I had tried my best, but at least I know what is best for my kids, what diffinately wasn't best for me.

Secrets are important and keeping it is important. Think about the person's life. The person's situation. If the person isn't taken out of the situation then don't let them get hurt even more. Like my friend and I. We weren't taken out of the situation and things got worse for us. The only time things got better for me was when I had people helping me, people who were there to listen to me, people who didn't go behind my back and chat to my mom or sister. I had a wonderful pastor who got me away from the hurt that was being caused to me. He got me sponsors to go to a lovely school that to me was freedom compared to what home was. Have a 10pm curfew was great for me. I had structure. I had security and only then was I as a person able to heal. It is important to know the person's situation complete, to know their pain and to know what they want instead of making your own decisions on what is right for them.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Taking a Step Forward, Taking a Step Backwards

Well I had taken a step forward and posted about Baby not sitting. Well actually I didn't take the step for myself, Toddler took it for me. Even though I had posted as 'Update on the Boys' I was really asking for some advice, but refrained from making my post about me needing advice. Some how I hope that someone on the board will pick up that I am asking and give me the advice I need. At this point I will try anything. I wanted to take Baby to the Peaditrician, but my husband doesn't want me to. He tells me I am overreacting and that other premature babies only sat just before they turned 2 years old. I don't know I still fell like I need to find out from a professional if there is possibly something wrong or if being premature has something to do with it.

Well I still need to put my feelings on the board, but how do I do that, when I know that if I do what will happen is people will use it against you. When I went on to try and ask for advice, my hands started sweating, my throat went closed, my heart was beating so fast that I started to shake and when I saw what Toddler did (pressing the submit button). I was even more shaky, even more concerned what people will say and even more worried if someone is going to say I am craving attention. I am doing this or that. People are cruel I know. Why, because in my opinion when the attention is diverted away from them then they cannot stand it when they no longer are the one that is getting attention. That they feel that people have to listen to them because they are the ones that are always right and they cannot admit to being wrong at least if I am wrong I admit to it. Some people just cannot accept that not everyone is like them and that people go through different experience.

I was that girl that use to wake up in the morning cleaning the floor of vomit from my mother, brother and just from stranger that my brother use to bring there. I was the girl that use to see my brothers fight and not just play fight, fight that they have to go to hospital. I was the girl that saw my brother stabbed 17 times. The girl that saw her brother drink no stop. I was the girl that had to clean her bath that her oldest brother poo'd in. I was the girth that was the punch bag, the girl that absorbed everyone's pains. I was the girl that listen to this drunk person's life and that drunk person's life. I was the girl that watched her mother get drunk, that's mother left me to do my own thing on Xmas day while she was passed out on her cousin's bed.

When everyone looked forward to the holidays I looked forward to school, for to me school was my holiday. School was a place where I could be myself, until even there I could no longer be myself. Do you know what it is like to be on crutches, to have a broken leg. Not nice as you can't move around much and you can't swim with a cast on. Well the worse thing is being in the cast for longer then 6 weeks, because your brother takes your crutches away from you and makes you walk on your leg that is broken, the leg that you are suppose to lifting up and resting. Do you know how difficult it is when you are trying to hold 2 cups of coffee and your ankle is in pain, but you have to do it, because if you don't you'd get a slap through your face. I had already dropped 2 cups of coffee which I already had gotten 2 slaps. When everyone is staring at you and laughing. Yes you the black shadow in the family and no one tries to help you.

I remember coming home from school and I was at my sister's house my niece sitting on my lap we are playing. My brother went home early and was already drunk. He demanded that I go home to clean up. I said no as I didn't stay there anymore and why should I clean up a house that I don't live in. I had a friend with me too. My niece was telling my brother to leave me alone and held me tight. He then slapped me hard through my face in front of my niece and dragged me off the couch out of the house where he kicked me and hit me in front of this stranger to them friend to me. People wonder at times why I don't open up, well because this is why. I don't like people knowing the true me. I want them to know me now, me without the bad stuff and when people say they have been here and there and did this or that. I wish I could have had a memory like that. When they speak of what their childhood was like I close up and wish I had some good memories of my childhood. I don't want the same for my children they must have the childhood I never had. The must go on holidays. They must do things I never did, because they are kids. My childhood holidays was clean up this, clean up that, do this, do that and by telling people that only reflects me as a person seeking attention.

And this people use against you my reason why I felt threatened when I was told that I was 'possibly' making my children sick without me knowing it. People want to see what they want to see, they don't get to know you for who you really are. Just because they don't like something about you makes you to be the person that they say you are. I overcame that, but like I was told baby steps. Yes that is what it takes to heal complete. I forgive what was done to me, but I'll never forgive and I can never confide my true self to anyone agian.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

What Makes You Feel Bad

Everyone always focus on the good stuff on life, but what if everyone on the same day had to focus on the bad stuff? What would it be and how would it make you feel? Is focussing on the good a good thing? I sometimes ask myself that question. Sometimes focussing on the goodness in your life can also be unhealthy. Now you wonder why I say that, because no matter how good you are, no matter how much goodness you have in you, people always find the bad in you, no matter what it is. It could be that you were a teenage girl who was nothing but a black shadow in the family or a teenage girl everyone thought was up there, but really was actually at the bottom of the food chain. I wonder how I survive my life and I still wonder how I survive my life. I focus on how I survived the bad things in my life and I build myself on that. I focus on how I had gotten through harder times I go through now and I focus my life on that. I focus that some day through my life someone would be able to see the light through my experience in their life. It only takes you to realise that you aren't alone and that you can either make things worse by staying in the situation or make things better by taking charge and saying no more. Thoughout my life I saw people wanting revenge. I wanted revenge, but what would that have made me, possibly a murderer and believe me I was on the verge of committing it to survive for where I came from it felt to survive you have to fight till the death. My whole life I have been living a lie to myself. I have been letting people take advantage and let them get away with things until I couldn't no longer. When I had finally gotten out of the situation I did not know how to deal with the outside world or more like normal people. I didn't know how to solve a situation without there being a fist fight or more like it a cat fight. For now I am off to give the family breakfast till later.

Monday, January 01, 2007

New Years Day - What a Day to Start Your Year

Well there is diffinately tension in this house today. So not what I expected. My husband has been moaning the whole morning, the whole day about things. So now we each in our own little corner ignoring one another. Me typing here, seeing to a sick baby and also trying to intertain my toddler who also seems to be getting sick. I am so hating News Years right now, seeing as how my year as started, I don't want to know what my year holds for me. How can you have such a good man who shuts himself from his family. Who enjoys the company mostly of his computer then of his family. We don't have much, but just for once I wish that these computers could be switched off and we could do something as a family. I am not talking about going out, but we don't even watch a movie together. When we are together as a family we are either talking about the kids or work. Kids not even the good things. I feel like I am the one trying to lift them up when he brings them down. I find myself at times taking my anger out on them. No not hitting, but shouting at every little wimp, cry or attention they want and who can blame them when they are stuck in this world of mine where I am closed in. When ever I want to do something then money always comes in. We don't have money (why does it have to be about money) or I have to work so I can earn money for us, so we can live. I feel like I am being put on this guilt trip all the time, that even though I am a work at home mom and don't earn much I am the one that is in the wrong. I don't know anymore. Well let me go and let my kids have a good New Year even if it is just the 3 of us making the best out of today.


Well my afternoon I spend soaking the bed with depression. I slept the whole day and at the world, angry at Baby and angry at Toddler. I just had to curl up into a shell and stay there or else I'd be doing something I regret taking it out on the boys. Toddler is now also sick, though not too bad just a blocked nose and he is still himself so nothing to really worry about. Baby is doing much better though he is still as miserable as anything, but at least you get a smile now and then. Well I only woke up at 6:30pm. My husband tried to wake me up earlier then that, but I was already at that point of being too depressed to get up and do anything. I didn't even feel like getting up to see to baby, I had to drag myself out. I just didn't feel like being shouted at so I guess the way I do it is by excluding myself from the presence of my husband. Well my husband felt bad for the way he treated me today and felt bad that we didn't do anything as a family even if it did mean us just sitting around doing nothing, so he phoned and cancelled his appointment for tomorrow and is going to be doing something with us, but then I felt bad about making a big fuss about staying at home and telling him that I felt like we living 2 seperate lives, it is either me and the kids or him and Toddler and me and Baby. I don't feel like we are a family. I told him that he just made me feel like I hate New Year and asked him what else does he have in store for me this year, because I'd rather know now then know later. Sheesh he was upset with me, but I really feel if you start your year in a bad way then it is going to end up being a bad year. All I asked for a break of cooking. All I asked was for time to be spent with me and the boys. He is going back to work soon and then I'm going to feel lost all over again. Is that how a family is suppose to feel where you feel lost? Sheesh I feel all we do is complain and then I think he should feel lucky to have me who doesn't just go out and spend money without asking him if I can get what I want (if it has nothing to do with food or things for the house), but I guess that is life one is always going to find some means to find something to argue about instead of rather making the best out of it and helping one another we end up hurting each other and making a small situation a big one. Making each other feel bad. I mean if I can feel like my husband is paying attention to us would I still feel this way.