Poems From The Past

I'm just a lonely town girl

Lord I am just a lonely town girl
who has no where to go
I'm all alone with fear
that haunts me day and night

I'm all amongst people who try and hurt me
They never really matter to what I have to say
They drank and faught about old memories
that hurt them in the past

Lord, I'm just a lonely town girl
Looking for some love in a world of hurt and fear
I know Lord how much you love me,
but Lord I need some love from someone
so they can teach me how to love

I want to be myself
I want to learn new things
but Lord they stop me from learning
and block my mind with bad thoughts

Lord, I'm just a lonely town girl
looking for someone to teach me
someone to show me things
that can help me think more clearly

Lord, I might be a lonely town girl,
but you've given me a chance
to be someone I've never been before
Lord I'm just a lonely town girl
who found her hope in you.

I am typing all my poems here. Hear is one so far. It is amazing how the past can hurt when you read over it, but how good it feels to know you have achieved so much in life, that no matter what your pass was like your future is brighter then the next. Well now I have to go and get ready to fetch my son at playgroup, I didn't know time has gone by so quickly. Just the other day I was changing his diapers and today I am fetching him at playgroup.

Going Through Old Thoughts

Going through my 'Treasure Box' as I called it since I had it, because to me I felt that my dreams, my life was a treasure. As I went through it I saw how much I have grown, so much I have achieved and though at times I still feel like I am a bad person, a person who no one can love, a person who will forever be unclean I understand and realise that it is just me feeling it, just me feeling that I can't do something or accomplish something and I then see that I have achieved a lot in life and that what I mostly had/have achieved is being me. Why pretend when all it does is hurt others. I use to pretend I was someone else, but not someone who will hurt people, just someone who was the person taking all the hurt, pain and dirtiness and I was the clean one. I use to pretend I can't do anything wrong and this other 'person' was the one who was the bad one, but in the process of being 'someone else', I was afflicting pain on myself without me even realising it. When something bad happened to me, 'she' would cut 'herself', 'she' would make 'herself' sick after eating and 'she' would try and hurt people to protect me, but instead she was hurting me. There was a time where I felt I was trapped in someone elses body and my voice whould be inside me chatting, while she would be the one out there. There were days I would shout out for someone to hear me, but no one did (I feel like that at times still, where no one hears me and this time I am the one speaking). They heard her. She would talk to anyone, she was mute and also made me mute. I could stare beyond the space as if there were nothing, no, but this empty room with no doors, no windows, no where to go and sometimes I can feel that walls creeping up on me again. I would cry for no reason, run out of class, church or where ever I was. Some days I would find myself in places I did not know how I got there. I became tired, unhappy, withdrawn and aware of boys and people. If a boy touched me I felt dirty and would go and shower to get his touch off my skin, even though it was just a touch. It was a horrible feeling, but I overcame that, yes there are days that I don't like my husband touching me, but once I realise what his touch means (lOVE, CARE, AFFECTION AND I CARE FOR YOU), I start to relax. I don't know if it is still normal to have these feelings at times, but I do know that it is important that you realise who you are now and not who you were 15 years ago, realising that you are not that baby lying in the cot trying to breath for air while your father held a pillow over your face. Yes I remember that, it haunted me all the time and didn't realise why I was dreaming that. That you aren't a baby that's father use to abuse you physically. That you aren't the toddler who had to touch daddy's lollipop and gently lick it. You are not the teenager that was physically and mentally abused by your brother or abused by your cousin (wasn't a cousin, but don't want my family to come across this), you are who you want to be, who you set your life to be or what you want your life to be. You are the one who makes your goals, who carries them forward, who can decide if you want to carry the pass with you are not. I choose not to. I choose to enjoy each day, each life, each breath that I spend on this earth, that I spend with my husband and my kids. Yes there are days where I feel like I can't go on, that the walls are inclosing on me, that I am not good for anything, that why on earth did I have to have boys or why one earth did I get married, or why on earth did I choose my life, because my life is what I make of it and what I set for me. I did not choose to have boys, I was blessed with them and maybe for a reason, to teach them how important it is to treat a women regardless of what she might look like, regardless of how you may feel about her, treat her like she is someone, but not a princess, treat her like she deserves to be treated, with respect, love and happiness. Don't treat her like she is a slave. Don't treat her like she is a soccer ball and don't treat her like one of your buddies. I don't know maybe I was just meant to have boys, but to me they are my blessings and I love them. We have our bad days, but we always have our good and that is what you focus on.

Well I'll share something from my 'Treasure Box;.

This was something I wrote for my husband who was at the time my boyfriend. I wrote this because I was afraind to speak a word. I was afraid that my family would die if I had ever spoken to anyone about it again (I say again, because I spoke and it tore my family apart), My family on the abuser side and me the stranger. Well enough going to write the letter to my husband.

I was afraid to tell you
about the things that happened to me
I thought I would lose you
but instead you stood by my side
even when I tried to leave you.
You would not let me go
I couldn't understand,
why you did not turn away...
You said you love me
love to me was just an evil word
and only one person could love me.
A person with no evil,
A person I put my trust in
for the rest of my life,
A person who knows me better
than anybody who will...
To tell the truth
when you said you loved me
I thought you were lying
although I had this feeling that made me feel so positive
I loved you so much to
I did not want to hurt you
by leaving I thought it would be best,
but when I saw those tears,
I knew I wouldn't find the love
you have for me anywhere else
I don't know how to say it any other way
but if I had to turn away from what we have
I know for sure that hope would be a blur
The last thing that I want to do is hurt you
You meant so much to me
I don't think I could say good-bye
to the one I love
There were things I could not do
I thought I would not make you happy
I felt so scared and hurt
I felt that nobody cared
and I was just a rag doll
pushed to one corner
with no one to lift me up
and tell me who I really am
and when you did I buried it away
denying the fact that you meant it
I kept on living in the past
A past that hurt me
and caused me never to trust again
I felt so far away from you
as if you were miles away
but you stayed by my side
and did all you could
You made me see a light for hope
a light that things would get better
I know it will take time for me to heal
I know the past won't be gone completely
and it will still hurt sometimes
but you made me realise that I am somebody
and although what had happened does not make me a bad person
You made me realise that no matter what others did to me
doesn't mean that it is my fault
Thank you for being there when I need you
Thank you for making me realise
things which were just a dream to me
and any time you want to say those things,
I will accept it
as I know it is coming from someone who means it
Thanks for caring for me
It means alot to know that someone with so much love
like you have can care for someone like me
As many starts as there is in the sky
which is uncountable
so is my love for you
Now no matter how far you are,
You'll always be in my heart
You'll always be My Bright Star
That lights up my day and night.

Well that is it. I think I'll go and lie down and dream I am floating on a cloud of chocolate. Mmm, now I feel like one.

Am I The Only One That Doesn't See It

Boys will be boys, right? Well not to some. How am I suppose to feel confidence when Granny makes a comment like this to Daddy? 'You were never this naughty when you were that age.' To me Toddler is being a boy. Now to her apparently he is out of control. Honestly to me he is just being a toddler. He climbs, he screams, he runs, he is just playing. Yes he sometimes gets carried away and can sometimes hurt a person, but I descipline him and do the best I can. He must take after me. Sheesh it made me so angry that I punished Toddler for making a noise and all he was doing was playing with one of Baby's toys, but just because Granny didn't want noise he was being naughty. Another thing that frustrates me is the fact that why am I the one to blame. Why am I the one who is looked at as the bad person. Why on earth doesn't Daddy support me? Does he too think that I am not doing a good job? Maybe Toddler is active, but what would one expect when his father sits and plays games or is on his computer all day, who doesn't take the time to play with Toddler. To him children are a pain and they ruin his life. I feel how am I suppose to do this on my own. Sometimes I just want to walk out that door and leave him with the boys so he can feel what it is like. It is as if the boys are my responsibility and mine alone. The last few days I was extremely busy and Toddler went to the toilet and needed his bum to be wiped. I asked Daddy to go and help him and his reactions was 'I can't I am working.' He knew I had to get the stuff out the next morning. I landed up working till 4am. Why because no matter if I am working in his eyes I stay at home all day. In his eyes the kids are my responsibility. No matter how much I love doing what I am doing, I feel like just giving up and being the 'maid' in this family. I grew up being one, so why not carry on being one. In his own way he is a good dad and a good husband. Who knows who are what I would have married. I might have married someone who beats me up, who brings me down every second he can, someone who drinks and can't hold onto his job. A person like my father, but I didn't marry someone like my father. I married a man that does respect me, even though I feel like he can support me more. I married a man who will harm whoever harms me. I keep chatting to him about how he really needs to spend more time with Toddler. Maybe when Toddler is older he will feel more comfortable. I don't know, I guess only time can tell. People say you should look after yourself, put yourself first before you look after your kids or put your kids first. Well my opinion is: If I don't put my kids first, who is going? Who is going to look after them if I look after myself? I don't have time sometimes to brush my teeth in the morning. Or time to make myself look good, because I am juggling between two kids. To be yourself, to take care of yourself, to put yourself first, you need support. You need your spouse to help out with the kids. You need someone who can take them for a few hours so you can pamper yourself, but I don't have that. Yes a friend helps with Toddler. She love Toddler as if he is her son. I don't know what I'd do without her, but I don't have someone to take Baby. When I want to relax in the bath my relaxation is a quick bath, then I'm out and back to taking care of Baby. I think this is where I wish Daddy would take the time to take care of Baby for an hour or so each day, but instead I get very little time. Daddy did look after Baby for a whole day, but then I had Toddler with me. Last week Sunday I was suppose to go to a Tea Party and I didn't go, because Daddy didn't want to look after both of them. I either had to take Toddler or Baby with me.

I have been really proud of Toddler he has been going to bed all by himself and I finally got Daddy to do something. He READS to Toddler before switching off the lights. Toddler also has been going to bed early, by 8:30pm he is in bed and before you know it he is asleep. Well now I'm off to feed Baby then going to go and sleep some more. The life of a mother is never easy, but joyful and happy.

4 Days

It has been 4 days since I've written something on my blog. I have been so busy all my focus is going on the project I am doing at the moment and then also focussing on getting Baby 100% well again. He is himself 100%, but still has diarrhea, which can be a pain when coming to cleaning. He is taking in more milk and tea which is a good thing. Next week I can start him on solid's again. I think it is going to be a whole new thing for the both of us all from scratch. Now I wonder will this weeks steamed veggies still be ok for next week? Well I'll do a search later or will ask someone.

Shame poor Toddler has just jammed his finger in the door after 20 times I asked him please don't do that and I even punished him, but he still went ahead and did it. It is a good thing he didn't hurt it too badly, but bad enough for there to be a blue mark and a toddler who thinks they are dying. He is now all wrapped up in his Barney blanket watching Barney, drinking the sippy straw, eating muffin and keeping his finger very still. When he moves it then you just hear this whine.

Me I am doing well, just under a lot of pressure at the moment. I have a lot of printing to do over the weekend and I am waiting for the person. I really wish I can just finish the project. Hopefully today he will get everything to me. It has to be handed in by Wednesday and I set my deadline for Tuesday. It is so frustrating when you know someone and you do something for them, they think they can take advantage of you. The only wanted me to let it go to press on Tuesday, imagine a one person printing 500 books and then still having to stable them together so they are neat and good. I just frowned and said no way, it goes to press over the weekend or I stop right here and only take the deposit. They quickly said no he will let them know that it needs to go to press over the weekend. I thoroughly enjoyed doing these books, but my focus is more on my photography. I just love taking pictures. I love seeing he joy in the people as they are together as a family.

I think I might start a different blog just for my photos, but then I should wait as my website should be up and running soon. I can't believe I've had the website for over 2 years already and only now are these people getting into gear and putting it up. They weren't waiting for Xmas, they were waiting for 2 Xmas. Well I'm glad that it will finally go up. Now poeple will be able to see my work and not just me emailing them all the time. I have a lot of equipment still to get, but for now I have all I need. I think some time I will start a blog about my photography, it could be interesting.

Well I still need to get that diary out of mine and carry one with the story, but for now I am just going to admire the boys and have a break from work. What can be fun can also be tiring, but I love the way it makes my imagination run. I love putting part of me into my work. If I didn't then I think my work would be lifeless. Well toddler is shouting, he wants to watch Ice Age 2 which he got from a dear friend on the board I use to chat on. He just loves it. He tells me that he wants anties tift (gift) on. So now we are going to have a popcorn fight and watch Ice Age 2 for the 100th time or is it more, any the joys of childhood.

And talking of childhood, I want to post a poem I wrote about being a child.


I was walking along the beach,
Admiring the sunset
When I saw a little girl blowing kisses to the sun
I asked her what she was doing
And she replied:
When the sun says good bye then my Angel for the day goes to rest
And my angel for the night will watch over me as I sleep.
I looked at her puzzled
And she asked ‘why do you look angry?’
I replied, “I’m not angry, just confused.”
She said, don’t worry when you become a child
You’ll understand.
I then realised that we as adults
Forgot how we too use to believe in little things
Forgot what it was like to have an imagination.
And most importantly forgot what it was like to be a child.
I never saw that little girl again,
But every time I take time to look at the sunset
And I too will blow a kiss
For on that day a Angel showed me what it was to be me.

The Stranger In Our Family

Today once again I have left Baby at the hospital and it is the same thing over and over with husband. When Baby was born, he'd complain about what a pain it is to have to go every day. Then wen Baby got Gastro he complained again about it being a pain. Now again I think what a bad mom I am as I leave Baby there and he doesn't have his mommy to hold his hand or to hold him. He doesn't have his mommy to tell him that everything is going to be ok and he doesn't have his mommy to smile at him while he is in pain. Instead he has strangers taking care of him. There was another baby in the same room as Baby who also had the Rotri Virus and I watched at the mother kissed her baby and her husband and left to take their toddler home and daddy stayed behind with his baby. I felt why can't my husband do that. I told him look how dad's are staying behind and he bluntly told me that 'he doesn't care for things like that'. My comment was, but it is your child. I am exhuasted after 4 nights with very little sleep I am feeling emotional and like I am about to have a breakdown. I have anger building inside me and I feel like I am going to snap. I watched the nurses look at me when I asked them if I could go home to sleep, because I was extremely tired and I needed time with Toddler, because he was acting up as I spent most of my time with Baby who is sick. Just their look made me want to vomit. I know Baby needs me. Husband says I need sleep and I agree with him, but how can I sleep when I know Baby is in a strange cot, in a strange room and without me by his side. I have work to do and Husband says I need to be home to work. I agree, but how can I concentrate when I am not with Baby? What hurt me was as we walked down the passage one our way out of the ward, in each room it looked like dads stayed with their kids and it hit me, why doesn't my children's father stay behind. Why doesn't he feel the way I feel about them. Why is he always making remarks of how children messes up your life. Why? Why? Why? All these questions came rushing into me and my heart felt like it was bleeding. It felt like I wanted to crumble, because I felt like have no real support from my husband. I feel alone, scared and angry. Actually I told him in the car 'I hate having the kids in the hospital, because all I hear from you is moaning and all I really need is support.' He didn't say anything just kept quiet and drove us home. I think I am very emotional, but I also feel like he should be more of a support to me. If I had my driver's licence I doubt he would be involved. It is heart breaking when he has a cheek to tell me to stop feeling so darn guilty and to get over the fact that I am going home and leaving baby. How could he say that to me, to tell the truth that made me feel worse then ever. How can someone who is so good and loving be like this. Would he ever be involved in our lives if I had my drivers licence, I don't think so. I think the boys dad will be a stranger to them and my husband will be a stranger to me. I love my boys, but sometimes my husband just makes it harder for me to love them more. One thing is for sure I think once Baby is better I am going to let him take the Rotri Virus. I can't let this happen again. I can't be away from either boys for a few hours. I need to be there with them every hour, every minute and every second. I wish my Husband would feel the same way. I actually feel like I don't know who I am anymore. The person I am would have stayed by her Baby's bedside no matter how tired she is. The person I am would have insisted on staying no matter how tired I am, but instead I became the puppy dog and listened to what my husband said. Look what I am doing, typing in my blog where I could have been with my Baby Angel, where I could be holding his tiny hand while he sleeps, but instead I am home, looking for things to do, so I don't have to sleep, because I fear I'll dream bad things. I am not by my son to protect him. I hope the night goes by quickly and I hope and pray that my Baby Angel will get better soon so that I can have him home in my arms. Don't get me wrong I love my husband and I think in certain aspects he is a good dad. Toddler loves him and I am sure Baby will love him to. I love him regardless of what he is like. I just wish I he'd give me more support. Be there more for me in the time when I need him, instead of complain about the situation. I know he is really busy at work. I guess LIFE goes one. I guess I go on. Maybe someday, oneday husband will realise what I mean when I say I need comfort and not stress. Good Night Baby, Mommy Loves you. See you in the morning.

Walking on Clouds

This morning I woke up, made me a cup of coffee, put Toddler in the bath so I could bath him before school. Oh my I feel like I am going to pass out. I have been up on the hour every hour seeing to Baby. He is so hungry, but he is just pooing his milk out and the Hydrol. Last night though seemed to be better. I gave him a tea mixed with 5 teaspoons of sugar and 2 teaspoons of salt and it has seemed like he has not poo'd while drinking it, though I can't say the same for the milk. He is taking in 60ml milk and 25ml of the tea. I swop between the 2 every hour and that is why I needed the coffee so early, but also to my disgust I poured sour milk in, so my morning didn't start off too well. We have a friend coming for lunch today, so I hope all goes well. I am bound to mess up something or even forget about something. I also realise how much work I have to do before the 24th. I have less then 2 weeks, basically a week and a half, but I am waiting on this person to finalise what I have to do and give me all the info that I need. I hate being so unorganised when it comes to my work. I like to make sure everything is in order and done as soon as possible and not left on for the last minute, but some people just make it hard for you.

Last night it was so cute. Toddler was sitting on Daddy's lap and I was on my way to bath baby. So I told Toddler he must stay by Daddy, mommy was coming now. It is sometimes easier to let him stay by daddy then to have him come and bother me about every little thing. So I turn my back and he says to me 'mum, Love uuuuu' and blows me a kiss. I wanted to just sweep him out of his Daddy's arms and give him lots of hugs and kisses. It is moments like that, that makes me love him even more.

Why on earth did I think I was brave enough to go back onto the board. I feel so lost. Well I have finished one Project 3 more to go. Today I am having friends kids over for a craft afternoon with Toddler. I am really looking foward to it. We are going to paint styrofoam balls and put names on it. This year I have decided I want to go silver and red. I don't really like gold. Maybe next year will be silver and blue. Or I'll just stick to one colour and just add to it. I am really excited. I also have a friend coming for lunch, so while I wait for everything I thought I'd quickly do some updating. I am nervous when it comes to making food for others, even if they are friends. I feel like it is not going to be good enough or I am going to serve raw food and I get in a panic. I guess this is all part of my past, where my food was never good enough for my brother and I use have the plate of food thrown at me. Maybe I hate doing dishes, because they were never to Brother's satisfaction or it was just a means to keep me at home. I remember scrubbing windows and my friends from school would come pass on their bikes to see if I could play and I'd panic and tell them they have to go, because I was going out. Yet my fear was more like Brother coming home and seeing me with friends. The once this boy liked me and he'd come around every day to chat to me and Brother unfortunately came and caught us kissing. I was not allowed to go to youth or church, because of it. He chased the boy away and I got a beaten I could never forget. When I met the boys father, I was scared. I never stayed with a boy for too long even if I did like them alot and it wasn't because I feared them hurting me, I feared my brother hurting them. I thought I was never going to get married. I thought all my dreams would be buried. The way I worked on my fears was to focus helping others with what I had and do experience. I want others to know they aren't alone and just to be strong and know that you can make a difference in your life. I always listened to my friends problems and gave them advice, sometimes I still feel like I do that, but no one gave me advice, no one listened to me until it was nearly too late and I am not talking about recently, I'm talking before I even had kids, was even married, but that is another story wich will eventually come. Once I get there.

When I found this board and saw how everyone supported one another, I wanted to be apart of that. I don't know maybe I felt I needed someone to chat to. I needed someone who I could share my experience with and someone or somewhere where I could share my experience and help those who were possibly going through something similar to me, but now I don't feel like I have that anymore when I logged on. I actually feel more empty then lost. I fear to share that Baby is sick, who knows what I'll get, another email or even the welfare on my doorsteps. I'm just like any other mom who just needs advice at times or a shoulder that I can lean on to just cry. Sometimes I am tired of being strong, caring, loving and patient and that is when I need that shoulder.

Sleep Feel So Good When You Need It

Julie was suppose to go to a friend this afternoon, but that didn't happen. After being up all night with Chris she was so exhuasted, she tried everything to stay awake so she could go to this friend especially seen as she was not going to have the boys with her. After lunch she thought she'd have an hour sleep and then she'd wake up and go get ready and go. She slept and only woke up just before 4pm. Shame her friend had something on in which she was suppose to supply something and she really needed what Julie had, so she had to figure out something as all her guests were there. She tried getting hold of Julie, but no luck as she didn't even hear the phone ring. Oh and what glorious sleep it was. Everyone was asleep, even toddler which just made it so much easier for Julie to sleep. She knew she should wake toddler as he isn't going to sleep tonight, but just having this time for herself was so wonderful.

Chris seemed to be doing well, though Julie is still concerned that every time he drinks his milk it just passess through him. She has to change him every hour or so as his nappy gets full and he is only taking in 30ml's an hour or so. He no longer has a fever nor is he vomiting, just have to get the runny tummy sorted.

Yesterday Wyatt and Julie went with a friend and her little one to a sports day. It was loads of fun. They had spread toys around for the little ones and the little ones had things to do. Wyatt seemed to be the center of attraction. They started a bit late, but while they were waiting in their teams they were singing and playing games. So Wyatt starts to do the hockey pockey, he had everyone laughing and smiling at him. It was even more hilarious when he tried to participate in the games and was determined to do what the older children were doing, even if he was the youngest. Julie was so proud of him for trying his best, Julie was just happy that he had a wonderful day and that he enjoyed it. He loves his water bottle he got and only wants to drink from there. Wyatt even wanted to go on the horse that was there and he didn't want to go on the pony, but the big horse. He though did not want to put on the cap, so he didn't get his horse ride. Maybe next time he will get to ride a horse.

Julie had not yet checked the board and was wondering what everyone was saying. She was so nervous, she did not want to check, but she knew she needed to delete the pictures. She didn't want to keep the boys pictures up for too long. Finally she decided that she'd go and make supper to take her mind off the board, but it didn't, she just had to have a peep, but she also couldn't. So she just held her breath and carried on with supper and left checking the board for later on when she has more stregnth.

Count on Strong Coffee

So this yesterday Chris wasn't himself the whole day, never ate or drank much, but I didn't think anything of it until the evening when I left him with his dad so I could go and have some me time. After I did what I needed to do and went to get him so I could get him ready for bed he got sick. He was soaked from head to toes. He didn't have a fever, so I thought maybe it was just that he had drank too much, though I know he hardly had anything, but you don't think when you are trying to get your baby all cleaned up. He was also still smiling and laughing. He didn't drink his 7pm bottle and was again awake at 12am in which I had to do a whole new change from clothing to bedding. He was moaning and nothing seemed to please him, he just moaned you didn't get a smile from him at all, no matter what you did. After being up for an hour, I eventually decided to give him 2.5ml of panado, because he was in pain. It helped and we managed to get to sleep till 3:15am in which once again I had to change him. He was so hungry, but everything I gave him came out, even the hydrol didn't stay in. I eventually got him calmed and put him back in bed. He was so hungry by 6:15am so I gave him his bottle, he didn't drink much out of it, it was like less then 10ml when it all came out. Julie was holding Chris when Wyatt came in and wanted to give Chris a kiss, but Chris looked at him and started crying. He didn't want to be bothered by Wyatt, all he wanted was to lie next to Julie. So daddy said to Wyatt that he can go with him to the shop to get mommy hydrol and then can go with him to work. Wyatt was quickly dressed and waiting by the door to go with daddy, but unfortunately the going to work with daddy did not work out as daddy was informed that he has to go to a big meeting which is going to be the morning. So daddy before going to work took toddler with him to get mommy hydrol. Wyatt was very happy. Mommy on the other hand was trying to figure out how she was going to manage with sickChris and an active Wyatt, but all had worked out well. Chris slept and Wyatt played outside and had been very good in helping mommy. He even washed his own dishes, what a clever little boy.

Another star for Wyatt he was in bed by 8pm last night, though he only went to sleep at 9pm. He got mommy a book to read and they read 'The Gingerbread Man', Wyatt enjoyed it and tried to get mommy to read another story, but mommy didn't give in to him. So Wyatt gave mommy a hug and kiss and just laid there in his bed. He awoke just after 10pm to go and wee and then wanted to go to daddy, so mommy told him that daddy was sleeping and he was happy to hear that and went back into his bed and went to sleep.

And a star for Leo, for helping mommy with Chris at night. Even though mommy could not sleep, because she had to just cuddle her sick baby, she was grateful that daddy had sat up with her or had woken up to help out.

You must be wondering why this chapter is called strong coffee, well just because Julie needed strong coffee to keep her going until Leo could take over.

Well Julie thought, 'I'd have to carry on with my story, but for now dairy I have to see to Wyatt and Chris.

I Have Slowly Faced My Fear

Julie finally got the courage to log onto the chat board where she used to chat a couple of months back. She had no idea what to say, so she finally came to the decision to log in a few time until she was ok with just being there, before she actually starts chatting. She really liked the board and she really wanted to keep building on friendship with people that is there. She was finally over coming her fear. 'I am going to beat it as that is what needs to be done', she told herself.

SHE MADE AN EVEN BIGGER STEP and went on and posted on the board. She posted pictures of the boys as she had been asked about them and what they looked like. 'Oh well I did it, so now I wait to see if I will get any comments about me just posting on there.', she thought. Julie hated being the center and maybe she shouldn't have posted, maybe she should have carried on without sharing the boys with the other mom's. Did she do the right thing? Julie's councillor told her to take a step further, but was she ready. 'Am I ready'. Her hands were sweating, her heart was beating fast as she wondered what people were going to say in regards of her being there. She was nervous and felt like she shouldn't have done it.

Julie thought, 'Oh well it has been done and now my fears begin and I need to face them.' And that is what she did.

My Story - A Change

Julie started keeping a diary when she left home to go to boarding school. She tried to keep one at home, but it was found and had made things worse in her life. This is her story from 1995.

16 JANAURY 1995 @ 9PM
'Today, I woke up smelt the fresh air and walked outside. I didn't want breakfast, becasue I was too exited to eat.

I opened my window and looked out and saw cows standing by my window. I am scared what people are going to think of me, are they going to like me. Anyway after that I went to get my school clothes the secretary was really nice. I came back went for a swim and after the swim I came back and slept. Then Pastor Mike came and we walked and spoke and I went to see how big his bird got and also his other birds. Then I walked him to his car and he left. Then I came back to my room and went to sleep. Then around about 4:30pm a friend of mine from the other school came and then I helped her with her things to her room and after that we walked and spoke, it was great. Then I met Jaques and Mark and they asked if we were going to the beach anyway I said yes and Leisl and I went. It was so windy at the beach we went to, it was Cools Bay so then we went to Bikini Beach. I really had fun oh, but of course not when they forced me to eat when Pastor Mike told them I have to eat anyway I ate just because I didn't want to sing in front of all the people. We arrived back from the beach and I met my roommaite who was also a friend from the other school. It was a good day, I can't remember having a good day like I had today, everything seemed perfect.

17 JANAURY 1995 - 9PM
Today, today, today, oh what fun it was today.

I woke up got dressed for school and went to breakfast. Janet and Leisl and I sat together, because we didn't know anyone.

We went to worship after coming from Breakfast and then it was school. We had Chapel first and then went to our rigestered classroom. We sat and spoke and recieved our books and stationery. After that was done school ended at 12am. Then there was lunch at 1pm. After lunch Leisl, Janet and I walked around. Then we were suppose to go to study hour, but because we never had any homework we had no study hour. Then we sat in our rooms and spoke and after that we went to supper and again we had worship again we didn't have study hour, so we went to the students centre and met Stuart and William. Stuart and William are brothers and they are so sweet Staurt is a nice guy, funny too.

Life just seems so much better here, it was another fun day and I didn't have to fear anything. I was too busy enjoying my moment of freedom.

Then that night my heart sunk when I had to go to bed. How was I going to sleep what if the fears come rushing in. I laid in the dark wishing I was my roommate, wishing I could close my eyes and sleep instead I sat and watched as the time went by and it was 3am. Yes I am sitting up writting this with my flashlight on so I don't disturb my roommate. If only I could sleep.

19 JANAUARY - 2 FEBRUARY 1995
Well these few pages of my diary became of how I hate myself. Love and hatred towards myself, towards boys. Hatred towards friends. Friendship being ruined because of the hurt that they inflicted on one another and the cause being boys who interfered in their friendship. I even became unaware of my cousin's birthday and didn't phone her. Lately I have become tired and even getting up in the morning became a burden. I just could not stand this place of perfect teenagers. They were like cats out to get you, always making themselves out to be better then you and the way I was already feeling they were better then me. I felt that because of how I had grown up and what I had could never compete what some of these girls had and grew up with. They were like Princessess and I was the Cinder girl. Leisl knew how much I like this one guy Randy, he was so gorgouse and when I looked again Leisl was going out with him. The relationship didn't last long and he broke up with her. I don't blame him though, how could she go and kiss another guy and where they could get caught too. Well our friendship ended. Janet and I remained friends, but we weren't always together because her best friend was friends with Liesl and they hung out together. Liesl and Janet's best friend were in a grade lower then us. But Janet and I did things together and we even went window shopping and just tried on clothes to see what would look good on us. We even got told to leave the one clothing shop, because we didn't stop. It was fun.

Well I have returned to carry on with my story. I am still in Grade10. The date is 19 April 1995 and the time is 10pm Today was the 1st day of school after we had a holiday. I have a new roommate Elle, she speaks spanish and is in the Language School to learn English. I hope we become friends and she can teach me Spanish and I can help her with her English.

Do you ever wish you had somthing or could be like another person. Have you ever used something of someone's without them knowing. I couldn't believe what I saw she had all different types of perfume, creams, half the stuff I didn't even know what they were for. At times I didn't even have a cheap shampoo to wash my hair, I would use soap and if there was no soap if I had soappowder I would use that to bath in and wash myself. I use to feel so embarrassed when my friends spoke about this product and that product and then the next day they would all have that product except me. I always made an excuse. There were days/months I didn't even have money to go to the movie with my friends. I would make excuses. When we had school photos taken then I'd wish and dream that I could have those memories and the teacher who was a photographer saw that I'd stare as the other kids got them and I was the only one that didn't get it, that he use to put photos together for me and give it to me, well he'd tell me to choose. No one new that I use to lie on my bed and cry myself to sleep. No one new how I felt, how I so wanted to be like them, to have what they had. Girls use to complain about study hour, about the weekend restriction, I found it a blessing a luxury to be able to have time to study. A blessing to be able to do something on the weekends without having to sit in the corner and count my toes. I use to wish I could be those girls. I wish I could have phoned my mom and told her that I was going to the movies can she please put money in my account (what account, I didn't even have that). When the schools had entertainment, I didn't want to go, because I couldn't do what everyone else was doing, but my friends use to drag me along.

Life as a child and teenager was never easy for me. I never had the luxury that most of the kids at my school had. Kids would get the new fashion, I'd get the hand me downs. They would get a radio, I would listen to my own voice. They would get the best expensive shampoos and I would get whatever I could afford or make do with what I had. I relied on strangers to help me. It was tough being the needy. It was tough relying on others to help me.

2nd May 1995 @ 7:55pm

Well it is almost time for study hour and I am bored. I have a running nose and a headache, must have gotten it from Amberly my best friend from home, we always seem to get sick round the same time. School has been so boring there is no fun anymore, maybe it is just because I am not feeling well. The boy I liked was told to leave, because he was caught with drugs, or buying drugs or selling it, I am not sure anymore, there are so many different stories going around. Why do teenager and even adults have to take drugs? Why do they have to ruin their lives? My brother took drugs and he was 20 when he decided to turn his life around and stop taking it. What happened to him, he had a motorbike accident. I miss him like crazy as he was such a good guy, even though he took drugs he was good and he treated me well too. He was my Angel, he listened to me, he protected me from my eldest brother. He let me be a teenager girl, he let me have the nice stuff and when he died all the nice stuff died too. I miss his girlfriend she became a good friend to me and she helped me a lot. She helped me get my ID book. She was in England when my brother died and she went back. She had promised to write to me, but never did. I feel awful, I feel sick and the pain is getting worse and worse, but I am not going to let it stop me from singing, I love singing.

A POEM
I want to be free like a bird,
Like a flower that is blooming.
I want to sing every where
Everywhere I go I want people to hear me sing,
notthe bad, but the good
I want to give everyone I see a huge smile
and tell them that it is ok, life goes on
Just keep your faith and Listen to your heart

If Only He Could Help

Julie got so angry with Leo. He doesn't realise that she needs help. To him he works all day and he thinks that he deserves to do what he pleases. Julie is so tired by the time he gets home and yet she is still busy. If Julie asks him if he could do something he tells her he is busy playing, he worked all day and needs a rest. This is after an hour, sometimes an hour an a half. Yesterday Wyatt wouldn't listen, he kept on hitting Julie and even though she'd punish him, he would carry on. When she put him in his bed he would get out and run around even though she would put him back in. she did that 30 times (she felt), putting him back in his bed and still Leo sat playing. Julie was exhuasted, she saw herself throttling Wyatt, she saw herself with such an angry expression and she saw her son with this scared look on his face. All she asked was for his dad to put his son to bed. His rest consisted of playing the whole evening, while she had to see to everything. She didn't get a break and she also works all day and not just house work or looking after the kids, but she runs her own business and it is tiring trying to keep all 3 going smoothly. Wyatt is going 4 days a week to school now which Julie is finding it very relaxing. She finally gets to do her work and some house work and she gets to spend a bit of quality time with baby Chris. Today Wyatt will have some friends over and they will watch a movie on Julie's computer while her friends and her enjoy a game of CSI board game and drink cappuccino. Yeah she learnt how to make cappuccino, thanks to her wonderful birthday gift, she was loving making cappuccino's for everyone. Sh was really enjoying all her gifts she got. Well while her baby is asleep she is off to hang up the washing and then have a bit of other housework to do. Then to make lunch and then to fetch Wyatt from school.

'HOW DO I FEEL TODAY AS A MOM', Julie thinks

'It is difficult to say how I feel today as a mom, but I can say that I am feeling confident that I will reach my goal. Like I've said in to a friend that I had a bad experience and it trashed me as a mom, but each day I have been building myself up and finding ways to better myself as a mom. I guess things happen for a reason and even though I know I cannot be the altimate mom, I know I am a mom who is trying her best, who has giving her all. My councellor wants me to face my fears. She wants me to go back onto the board, but I so fear it I don't think I can. What if I go back on and the trolls come back or people get hurt from words. I don't know what the board is like at the moment, what if it is calm, what if it is the way everyone wants it to be and then I come along and it is ruined. I hate hurting people more then I hate getting hurt. I must admit that I was afraid to have boys and I still fear them. I guess growing up with 3 brothers can have an affect on one. I also guess because I fear that I will be treated the way my mom was treated by my eldest brother, that if I have to have a daughter she would be treated the way I was treated. I still go back to the pass at times and wonder what I could have done to prevented my brother from physically abusing my mom and me. I did do something for me. I got out of it. I went to boarding school and I would do it again. I have a loving husband and even though I have 2 boys I love them dearly and I enjoy each moment with them. I try and not think of how my mom and I were treated, but try and think more on how I treat my boys and make a good loving inviroment for them. I guess there is a reason for me not having a girl, maybe I will be too protective over her. Maybe I will try and shield her so the things that happened to me won't happen to her. Maybe my past will be stronger if I have to have a girl then it is at the moment. I know boys can be abused too and in my heart I get this feeling at times that I just want to strangle a stranger that just touches my boys cheeks. I guess in this world you have to protect your children even more. Shelter them from the harm that lurks around the corners. I make it clear to Wyatt that if anyone touches him in a way that he doesn't like or touches his winkie, he must come and tell me or daddy. I even warn him that if daddy touches him in a way he doesn't like he must come and tell me. Is that wrong? Is it wrong to warn my child against his own father? I guess I tell him because of what my dad did to me and I feel that it is my duty to protect my boys even if it means protecting them against their father.'

Do You Chat On A Board?

Julie use to chat on this baby board. She was there for 2 years and then she left because of someone who had sent her a horrible email. Julie knew that there are a lot of moms on the board that don't like her and they have hinted and made it clear. They have even told her that she had spoken B***S*** and some other horrible names and have hinted that she only seeks attention, though she never use to bump her posts to the top or even complained about how many reply's she got to her posts. she let it be and if she felt like sharing something she shared it and was satisfied even if only one person had replied. It was sad that she had to leave and she misses some of those people. A few keep in touch with her and she washappy with the few that do keep in touch. What was in the email was horrible and to the mom's that did no like her they sided with the person and said that they can see the concern, but honestly if the person did mean it out of concern why didn't the person use her real name or her name she used on the board, instead she sent Julie the email under a different name and even mentioned that some of the mom's were concerned. It hurt Julie so much then and it still hurts when she thinks about it. Sometimes she felt like going back just to say hi to some of her friends there, but then she'd close up and remember the hurt she went through and avoids going there. Julie though, 'People on the net think they know you, they think they have you figured out from the top to the bottom, they don't get to know you for who you are and when you are yourself they don't want to believe that you could/can be yourself and they find means and ways to hurt you. ' Now one could say, but yes sometimes Julie use to post her experience or what she went through and yes sometimes to Julie it sounded made up, but they were experiences she went through. Julie was made out to be a liar, made out to be someone who would harm her children. Wyatt suffered with his ears from the age of 3 months, he was consistantly on antibiotics and they kept on having second opinions and it would be the same thing, there is nothing wrong, but by the time they went for the 2nd opinion the antibiotics would clear it up for awhile. Eventually after his 2nd birthday he had a blockage of wax in his ear which he had to have toilet flushed out, it didn't help and 2 weeks later he was booked for grommits and his adenoids removed. Then poor Chris got sick for a month and Julie and Leo were going to doctors and emergency rooms where they were told it is just a cold or just a virus there is nothing they can do they must wait for it to ware off, then they took him back and eventually he was treated for whooping cough which only then did the meds help and after that Julie got the email. It hurt to think that anyone could think that of a mother. The board was or is suppose to be a support place for moms and even dads, but it wasn't like that for Julie, it became a place where she felt nothing she'd say was or is good. She was and she still is grateful for the support she got from some of the mom's on the site and she will never forget them. Julie has moved on, she is happy and her boys are happy and healthy although she is sad that she won't get to share them with the others and sad that she doesn't get to hear how everyone's little ones are doing. Julie thought, 'It breaks my heart not to be able to give advice to someone or get advice from someone, but my boys do come first and I sure ain't going to put their lives in danger.' What upset Julie was this person knows there are people who live close to her, they could have asked one of them to come and check up on her and the kids and find out what was going on, no instead they just decided a harsh email telling her who she was. 'Yes it is the internet and things like this are bound to happen, but when you get to know these people it breaks one's heart to know that they could do something like that.' Julie is not a victim anymore and hopes that no one else becomes a victim. This should never be wished upon anyone. Never judge a book by it's cover, unless you can handle the truth.

The Haunting Pass

Julie could not sleep. Recently it has been like that ever since she stayed over by her cousin's (Jessie) place with the boys. It was her Jessie's daughter's (Amber) 17th Birthday. Her cousin is older then her, but she is like a sister to Julie. When Julie was younger something had happend which had destroyed that sisterly bond between them and her cousin's husband (Tom) was made out to be the victim in all of it. How could a loving father, caring husband (even though he use to beat Jessie) be someone who will abuse a child, especially a child who he treated as one of his own. Well Julie grew to forgive him and my cousin had forgiven her and they had built on that sisterly bond they once had, Julie didn't know though if it was because she got married, but according to the family 'Julie was a child with a vivid imagination. 'She truly wished that it was true. Julie learnt how to deal with it and she learnt how to move on until she went to stay there. At the 17th party everyone was drinking and Tom was chatting to a family member who Julie was sitting next you. He touched her arm and told Julie's Aunt (Sally) that Julie has beautiful soft skin and if he wasn't married to Jessie then he would have married Julie. Right there and then the touch made Julie feel dirty, unclean and the pass came rushing back. Julie felt she was dealing with it all from the begining again, but she knew that it would pass and she'd succeed. Julie moved away from Tom and tried to stay out of his site, but you know how difficult that can be and he kept on asking her to dance with him. He knew Julie would not dance with him and she told him, but he insisted that she should dance with him. Julie didn't ofcourse dance with him, no way was she letting the pass come in again. The problem Julie is facing right now is that she is not interested in being intimate with Leo, well actually she is, but when Leo and Julie are intimate, she starts hearing Tom's voice in her head and she freezes. She has no feeling, no joy which she once had. Leo can't even touch her without her feeling like she wishes he would stop it now. Julie though, 'What do I do? Do I tell Leo that the pass is haunting me? Do I go on until it passes? It happens once in awhile where I am haunted by the pass, but it wears off, this time it seems to be staying around too long though. It was only a touch on the arm nothing more I can move on. I can enjoy my life and I will. Leo is a good man and he is so patient, I think he just thinks it is one of those things. I hope it is just one of those things and I get my feelings I had once back. ' Julile after sitting and writing in her diary made her way back to bed in hopes that she would be able to sleep, but she tossed and turned having nightmares every now and then. Finally she did get to sleep when she felt Leo wrap his arms around her and she knew she was safe. No harm was going to come of her.

How does a mother do it?

Julie is a work at home mom. This morning Julie got up, thought she'd take a bath while Wyatt (2 years old) and Chris (10 months old) was still asleep. Well so much for a relaxing bath, first the Wyatt woke up and wanted to also bath, so together Wyatt and mommy bathed. Mmm, what an experience when he wanted to know certain parts of the bodywas, 'mum what's dis, mum what's dis, mum what's dat'. Julie didn't think she was going to talk about the bees and the birds just yet, but thank goodness for a 2 year old you don't have to go into too much details. Then all of a sudden he says to me 'mum poo', that was the quickers Julie jumped out of the bath just in time to see a floater emerge. The joys of having children. Then as she was getting dressed baby Chris awoke, so much for getting dressed and pampering herself while the 2 year old played. So she just threw her bathrobe on in hopes that no one came to the door. Put water in the baby bath, got Chris up and bathed him. Normally a baby who loves bathing this morning felt he didn't like it anymore. Eventually he settled down and was enjoying the bath, but then Julie took him out and the cries and whines began again. She quickly dressed him, fed him and gave him his bottle to drink which by that time Wyatt decided it was time to get out after being in the bath for an hour. Julie then took him out of the bath and dressed him, gave him his breakfast and made herself a cup of coffee. She thought ok now she can get dress, it is almost 2pm and still all she has on is her bathrobe. When you have kids your life is no longer your life (Julie thought), but she wouldn't have it any other way. she loves her kids and even if her morning got taken up by them, the joy of sharing her life with them is the best gift one can have, for each day brings something new to her life.

UPDATED - HAVE YOU EVER REGRETTED SOMETHING?

Julie is so mad at her husband Leo angry in fact. They play an online game together which they team up with a friend, but lately it has just been him and the friend that plays and she doesn't even get asked to play anymore. Now it is not the fact that she is not playing, but the fact that she has to see to the house, a toddler, a baby, make the meals and plus she has to run her business. What frustrates Julie is that he works till 5pm and will come home, go straight to his computer and start playing while she must do everything else. When she tells him that she is feeling left out and he doesn't include her anymore he gets cross and tells her that she can join in at anytime and like always she keeps telling him that she can't just join whenever she wants to. she has to cook, has to see to the boys and she has other work that she has to do. If he helps her then maybe then she can play with.

Julie's day goes like this:

In the morning she gets up,wash the boys and herself, dresses 1st the baby, then the toddler and then herself (which she usually just puts on anything old). Then she has to feed the baby and put the baby down for a nap and then after she puts Chris down for his nap she has to feed the toddler. She then does things with Wyatt and by the time she is spending quality time with him, Chris wakes for his snack, so then she gives Wyatt his snack and will feed Chris. After that she gives the Wyatt something to do by himself, while she plays with Chris. When that is done she is making lunch, feeding the Chris lunch and giving the Wyatt his lunch. Then Chris goes down for his afternoon nap (which is long thank goodness). She then gives Wyatt tv time in which she does work related things. By the time 4pm comes she is changing the baby and giving him a small snack, cleaning the boys and starts with supper. In between all this she tries to relax, but not more then for 10 minutes and then she is running to rescue something or the other from my Wyatt or busy helping him on the toilet. They have supper inbetween 6 and 7pm in which before and after Leo is on his computer playing games while she is still running around and if she has tp ask him to do something then he gets upset with her and tells her that HE works all day and comes home and wants to relax (what does he think I am doing all day, sitting on my a*s* all day. Our toddler doesn't want to go to bed because he seeks attention from his dad. By the time I am finish doing everything all I want to do is relax in the bath and go to bed and by that time it is bed time, so how can he tell me that I can join him and the friend at any time I want', mumbles Julie.

Julie thinks, 'I feel he is just making excuses.'I love my kids and I love being a mom, but we had them together we should share the responsibilities or am I just being an idiot about this whole thing.'

Where Secrets Lie

This is my first atempt to blogging, so I'll do it secretly. Friends around me are busy blogging and I thought why don't I just give it a try and see how things go from here. I like dolphins if you have to ask my friends they will tell you that I have dolphins all over. I collect anything that sniffs of dolphin. I have cups, cushions, towels duvetcovers you name it. I just love dolphins. Why? Well I think dolphins have such a look that makes them come across as sensitive creatures, but yet strong. They are beautiful and when you see them swim it is like they are meant to be there to bring calmness over ones life. I always dream that some day I will swim with the dolphins and who knows maybe in my next life I will be a dolphin.