Where Secrets Lie

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Secret Friend

For the past few weeks I have not been feeling very happy. At points I felt like I was just going to walk out and never return, never look back, just go and leave all I love behind. It hit me hard when my husband told me that he was going to cut me off (what did he mean?), well if I wanted something I would have to pay with it with my own money. What money? It really hurt, because what I ask for is very little. I have been feeling useless and when he said that I felt even worse. I burst into tears, because you try so hard to be happy and to make those around you happy, but you get brought down. I ain't good at anything I know, but please don't shove it in my face (that what was going through my head). The 2 things I am good one doesn't work and the other one is just standing still. My heart breaks every time I think of how I could help out and come out blank. I try my best. I so need my learners and drivers license, but yeah that isn't going to happen until I earn my own money. I hate him complaining when I do ask him to do something for me on the business side that I just give up and ignore him. It is hard to try and please him unless I have money. I so wanted to get me a book to read the other day Jodi Picoult: Salem Falls and when I wanted to ask him if he could give me money so I could get it, I froze. I so cannot ask him for anything anymore, because of that day. Toddler got R100 for his birthday and I was so tempted to use his money on Monday, that I actually cried when the thought crossed my mind. I tried to find reason's as to why or why I shouldn't use the money and I kept telling myself it is his birthday money, get him something and that is what I stuck with. Strange thing is when I do get money I spend it on the boys and not on myself. I want them to have everything I never had. I want them to feel that though we don't have much when we do have it will be treated on them and not on alcohol or ciggerattes (we don't smoke nor drink). I want them to feel that they will always have clothes on their backs or shoes on their feet. Well this week I got the stomach bug and slept most of yesterday. When I woke up and I checked my email there was a R200 gift voucher for me to spend on me. It was such a lovely suprise and gift. My secret friend really knows when to brighten up my day. I just wanted to give her a huge hug and say thank you a thousand times. I was able to get me the book I wanted, I actually cried tears of joy. Some day I hope I can send her something nice which she will enjoy. I couldn't wait to order the book when I saw the voucher I did it straight away, now I wait for my gift to come. My husband gave me the rest of the voucher in cash and put money by and got baby and toddler the 'Brilliant Baby - Letters' dvd. So with the rest of the money I am going to get me 'chuckles' and sit and enjoy it while reading my book. Thank you Secret Friend, you are so special and thank you for taking the time and effort to think of me even though I was not on the secret buddy list, you included me. I really apreciate it and I am very grateful for what you have done. All your gifts are very lovely and I enjoy them all. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I can say that all day. Hugs from me and the boys.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

What A Day

Yes I have not been posting here and it isn't because I don't have anything to say, it is just that I don't have time. I have started a blog for the boys and amongst other things I am busy, but today I really needed some comfort. It is hard being a little boy waiting to blow out his candle, waiting for everyone to sing to him and waiting for everyone to play with him. I appreciated the people who had taken the time to let me know that they weren't coming. Ok this is how my son's party went. I woke up at 7am to make my boy's 3rd birthday a good one. I made the last minute stuff that I needed to. I was still in my nightie when the clock striked 2:30pm. I got dressed and there was no one, no one had arrived. No family, none of the other's that I had invited except our friend who helped get me a few last minute goods at the shop, but besides her there was no one. My dh was moaning, because I had spent so much money on this party and there was no one. All I felt like dowing was crawling in a corner and crying. What is more difficult for one's child, not having a party or having a party, but no one turns up? I don't know I grew up not having a party and I so don't want my kids to grow up not having any, but how do you cater when those you think are suppose to be there aren't there. It hit 2:30pm and no one, it hit 3pm and no one, it hit 3:30pm and somewhere between 3:30pm and 4pm my niece finally arrived with my cousin. Then just before 5pm my sister had finally arrived. I kept my tears to myself and just held my breath and let my boy enjoy his time. His special day and he did have fun, but it totally threw everything off. The thing that really upsets me as well is that I was by my sister's place the day before for my niece's party and my aunt and cousin's didn't say that they weren't coming. My sister told me that my aunt isn't coming because it is far and her daughter's don't want to drive all the way out here. Life sucks for my kid's, because they are so far from the family they get the low end of the straw. Why is that I put my heart, my energy and my effort to be on time or to go to their functions. Aargghh I guess my boy just won't have a party and I'll be come the bad mom.