Where Secrets Lie

Monday, April 23, 2007


Do you get depressed?

I feel like I am fighting a battle inside me. The last few days I have felt like the walls are closing in on me. I am angry and the more I think about things the more angrier I get. Chris' First brithday went well. We didn't have a party for him, but we had a cake and a few friends over for supper (nothing fancy), but it was good to have people who care around. I didn't want to admit to my family the main reason why we aren't having a party was because of what happend on Wyatt's birthday (the whole pitching up late), but we also couldn't afford it. Chris was a lucky little boy, for on his birthday, he not only had people who cared and loved him, he was dedicated and the following day he had another party (also not big). The day after the birthday we went through to my family. I wanted to take a cake with, but didn't get one. I did take some sweets, chips and juice with for the kids. My sister got a cake for him and bought some other stuff. We also had a braai. It was really sweet of her and Chris really loved all the attention. He is saying so many words at the moment and is a real parrot, have to watch what one says otherwise he just copies you. I felt depressed that I didn't give Chris what I gave to Wyatt. Even though I was grateful for what others were doing for him, it hurt that it wasn't me, but I was just happy that he was able to get attention on his special day.

Well on Sunday Chris had no milk, there was no sugar or honey for tea for him and no juice. Water was just not doing it for him. He will drink water, but not all the time. It is like a clock in him, I want milk, I want tea, I want juice, etc, etc, etc. I tried getting him to sleep without him having to have a bottle but it was a nightmare. He wouldn't have his afternoon nap without his tea bottle. He cried, he screamed he performed. It broke my heart to hear him. We all huddled onto the bed, but still it did not help. Wyatt was also being a pain, he kept knocking Chris awake just as soon as I got him to sleep. Leo was being a pain as usual. He knew I needed milk, but he refused to take me to get milk for him. Eventually I got so angry I went to a friends house and she took me to the shop. It was a nice outing, just me, her and Chris. I didn't take Wyatt with, because I just felt like I was going to murder him and I just needed to get away from him. I think Chris felt my stress and he was acting up because of it. Well in the end things worked out. I was able to get stuff that we needed and didn't have to wait another night to go to the shop. In fact I felt so much better after just escaping from the house.

Today I am not feeling well. I decided to do knitting, got wool and needles from a friend and am busy making a scarf. I was doing so well until Chris got hold of the knitting and pulled it and I did not know what he did, but I sat trying to take the knots out. Eventually got it knot free, but what a mission. Seeing how my knitting fell apart, made me think of me falling apart and I just burst into tears, shame poor Chris did not know what to think when he saw me. I got so many hugs and kisses. I am finding that I am escaping in the knitting, which is a good thing. I feel like I need a holiday, not just a holiday, but a break, a break somewhere where I can relax for a few day and just soak in life and find my way again.

I think this whole thing also what is going to happen to Leo. He gets so stressed and now he has more work put on him. He doesn't take it out at work, but at home. We feel it, or more like I feel it and it worries me what it will do to him. He isn't away from his computer for an hour without doing work or playing a game. When he is finish with work he is playing and we see very little of him and he hates being bugged, but it is our only way to feel like he is here. He has gotten better, but I fear that the balance won't be there for long with the extra work he has now. I guess it is life and I guess I'll get to handle it soon, hopefully. Arrrgggghhhh this feeling will pass I know. I think it is just the flashes I keep seeing with my brother on a motorbike smiling and waving to me and then the next minute the police is walking into my sister's house and blood is running out of his helmet. I never forget it and every time this year I remember this horrible empty feeling inside me and every year I have that feeling and the tears rolls. I remember I wasn't allowed to go to the hospital. I had to stay by my cousin and help look after the small ones. I remember how my mom fell apart and how everything from that day had changed and every year I go through this exact depression, until April passess then I am fine again. I try to fight it, but I guess at times you just should not fight, but rather accept and let it be and morn, for even if it was 15 years ago, it is good to morn. I miss my brother and wish that he could see how I have grown. How his influence on my life has changed me for the best (well the better). Time will pass and I'll be ok. Just need to get over the next few day.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Cycle of Debt

The other day I was reading on this board about debt and why do people get themselves into it. I wanted to post, but when I got around to typing I heard this little voice behind me say that by telling other's your problem make them feel sorry for you and then angry at you, so I deleted it. I then logged in as someone else, but again I could not type there. This voice kept on saying 'Julie telling other's will just make them think you looking for attention.' So I didn't post anything.

What is debt, is it the every day trying to live or is it you go overbaord by getting things (expensive things), Like a Chryslar Voyager or a Plasma TV. What Leo and I have may look like we are rich, but we got those things before we had kids. When I worked I only use to get R900 a month. If I have to go back to work I will still only be earning a little and that money will go for someone looking after baby Chris, because he would not be able to attend creche, so what Leo and i came up with was that it was better for me to stay home and look after Chris myself, because we won't see that money anyway. If I work I need to do something that is going to bring in money. I need a job that is going to see us living ok and I don't mean buying that Chryslar. We really don't have much.

We don't have clothing accounts, when we buy clothes we pay cash. We don't buy junk that we don't use. We save for what we want, but saving is not the option for us this year as what we get in goes all to Wyatts schooling. It is sad this world we live in, but that is life. We make sure we have food in the house and when we don't have any we will eat bread just like that or go with anything as long as the boys have eaten. The odd jobs I do at home helps every bit and we are able to get a treat.

I spoilled myself the other day by getting my hair done. It needed a good cut and had be left for months because there just was no money.

So do we have debt no, do we have our own house no (we cannot afford it), do we have our own car (yes, nothing fancy, but yes we do it gets us from A to Z, even though it can be a bit on the small side), do we have accounts to pay no (besides the usual telephone, electricity and water), do we have DSTV no, we did, but had to have it cut because we could no longer afford it. Do we have internet, yes, but we don't pay for it because it. But the expenses lie in other things. Buying Chris his nappies and milk, making sure there is healthy food for both boys, doctor bills, pharmacy bills and now speech and therapy bills. Then there is Wyatts school, Chris's annoculations (which cost over R200). Medical Aid yes we have it (it is cheap for us, yet expensive, the work pays more then half and Leo pays a certain percentage). There are other little things that are important. We have a maid, why because I cannot survive doing everything myself especially trying to run a business and take care of the boys. It is just too much, but we put money aside so we can have our maid come in once a week. Is it bad to want that? Then we have someone who comes in once a month to cut our grass, is that wrong to want a gardener? Leo can't do it and it is way too big for me to do. So their are just things that we have to do to survive. Oh and we can't afford to keep our grass long as there are snakes (puff Adders).

So to me debt can be disperate debt or debt to survive without having any serious debt. We struggle, we get by, but at times I do wish I didn't have to cook all the time because it gets tiring especially when you are the only one doing it.

I would love to get the Verimark Ceramic hot brush, but I can't, why because R399 we just cannot afford. There are some luxuries we just don't get, but of course if money has to come in I'd get it, because iti s something that I need and not something that I want. This is the cycle of my life. the cycle of debt.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Some More Sadness

Don't you just hate when you have the feeling that something bad is going to happen to someone close to you. I get it often, where I get this feeling that someone close to me is going to die, but it doesn't happen that they always die. It can even be someone I just met and attach myself to and I will feel something bad is going to happen. Now I have been having bad feeling that something bad is going to happen to my brother as you have read about what he is going through at the moment, now before I heard about what his going through I felt that something was wrong and when I spoke to my niece, my heart sank. I thought the feeling would have left, but no it stayed there. Then we found out that our one dog had died of something he caught by eating bird droppings which we didn't even know he was sick and there was nothing we could do about it, but let him rest his tiny body to sleep forever. We are going to miss him. It is so difficult to keep in the tears with Wyatt around. It hurts so much inside. Yes he is only a dog, but he was my dog and I loved him. He was more then a dog to me, he was my friend and he was part of our family, he was family. Well I thought the feeling would have gone, but it hasn't gone. I don't know if it is still there because of the way I am feeling or if someone who is close to me is going to be hurt or worse die. I don't know if it is maybe because it is nearing the day my brother died. I always get sad this time of the month. I worry about my mom around this time, because she isolates herself or drinks herself to sleep. It is sad to see her like that. It is even hard for her because it happend just before her birthday. It is awful feeling this way when it is also close to Chris's birthday. I feel like I just want to be alone, where I can sit somewhere and just think straight for a few days. I am not depressed, don't get me wrong, just sad and hurt and worried about someone who is close to me. Life goes on I know, but why do I have to have feeling every time something bad is going to happen to someone I love. Am I nuts, is there something wrong with me. Leo, thinks that it is just because I know someone is sick or is going through a rough time. There are days when I blame myself for my brother's motorbike death, because I saw it before it even happend. I could have warned him, I carry that around with me till this day. I don't tell anyone, because I am afraid they will tell me I am crazy and it wasn't the first time that it happend. The first time it happend was when my aunt died. I dreamt it and woke up and told my mom about it and she said I mustn't talk nonsense, when it happend exactly the way I told it was going to happen, she thought I wished bad luck on my aunt. From then I have been afraid to tell people or warn them or prepare them. I feel deep down that I have this ability to prepare people of the worse, but I am afraid, so I keep it to myself, so I feel guilty when it happens. Arrggghhh, I don't know, maybe I don't have a gift, maybe it is just in my head. But I have learnt to live with it and I no longer am scared of it. I accept it, though I am scared, I accept what I see and feel, I guess it just open's my eyes to the world some more. Am I a dreamer, I would love to think so, but no I am not a dreamer, I have these thoughts and feelings throughout the day, until the event happens. It only goes away once the thing happens. I do wish I never saw these thing, because it hurts, but I guess life goes one and you have to accept what is given to you.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Saddness in my Heart

Yesterday I heard something terrible. My only brother who is still alive has/is ruining his life. He tries to be like my brother who was in a motorbike accident and died. He tries to be tough like his older brother, but he doesn't know who he is. He is amongst terrible people (I know this is cruel to say, but people that let him just lie around their house doing nothing is no helping him). He never use to take drugs, now he takes drugs, I am so scared for his sake. He hasn't been in work for 3 weeks and they keep taking him back giving him another chance, but this is really bad and I am afriad that he has blown his chance of getting his job back. Everyone tried to talk to him, but he is just not interested, he is to into what he thinks is good for him. He is 2 years older then me and it so breaks my heart to see a nice guy ruin his life for a bimbo who isn't even stunning. Not to mention that she is a prostitute and who knows what desease he will pick up from her. I know my family will say to me 'Julie let him find his own path', but what path can he find when he is already so lost. He needs someone to help him. He needs to be taken away from that situation and left to fend for himself without anyone treating him like a king. There is going to be a time where I am afraid the same thing is going to happen to him that happened to our older brother, someone is going to kill him and recently I have just been having this weird agrivated feeling that something is going to happen to someone close to me. I keep having this dream of my brother's standing their telling me to help, but what can I do. I don't even have money to send my brother away. He so doesn't listen to me. I guess all I can do is just sit and wait for him to find what he is looking for. I hope he finds it before it is too late.