Where Secrets Lie

Sunday, January 04, 2009

A New Year

Things have been going well. We are in a new year and hopefully things will still keep looking up and ahead.

I look at the boyz and see how quickly they are growing. In less then 2 months the older one will be 5 and they younger one turns 3 a month after his brother. It has been a challenge with boyz, especially the oldest son. He has become demanding and rude. It seems the world revolves around him, well actually it seems I revolve around him. We had a bad spat just before Xmas. I was about to cancel Xmas all together just because of it, but I realised in the heat of anger that I have two kids and it would not be fare taking the decorations down or not giving any gifts.

The tention between the two of us seemed to last forever and nothing seemed to work. Putting him in the corner, shouting at him, taking away things, nothing seemed to work. I was going nuts. So the next thing I did was I sat down took paper and began to write all the things that my 4 year old was doing, why he went to the corner, why I told him he won't be playing games and why I was writing this letter to Santa. It made him even more angry. He then lashed out telling me he was going to find another mother, he was running away and he hated me. It hurt me so much. He then came out the corner and walked outside opened the gate and told me he was leaving. Shouting he hated me. I was afraid of what the neighbours might think, but did not want to force him as I feared I'd hit him. I called his dad and told his dad to go and speak to him. I burst into tears to think that my 4 year old could say things like he hates me, he wishes he had a different mother. I love both boyz very much, but trying to do what is best for them is difficult. Do I give in every time he throws a fit and says those things or do I just persevere and keep punishing him the way I am doing? Well enough of that.

Lets see I still have this feeling of where is my life going? It feels as if it is standing still as if it ain't going anywhere. I went to be on the move, I want to be out there, but my husband is a person that just wants to stay indoors and play games all the time. I see what others are doing how they are overseas fulfilling thier dreams and I wish I was one of them. Now I feel like I got married too young. Everything boils down to money as my husband says, but why does it have to? Why can't one just have fun. I'd love to invite friends over and do things, but I always have this feeling of aaarrrrgggg what is Leo going to say? Spending more money, everything cost money, nothing I do is good enough. If I am not making the money then I can't spend it and even if I am making the money then I feel like he has control over it. It goes into his bank account. I do understand he does a lot and pays for alot of the things, but I feel like I am getting pocket money and not earning it. Oh well I guess that is life.

For now I am going to just persevere and move on. Focus on the good things and not the bad. This is going to be a good year I can feel it.