I Wonder

For all these years I have wondered if I was the only one that was being hurt. I wondered what made me stand out from the rest of the family? Why was I the one that was being put through this? I learnt to deal with it, but I also learnt to live with it. I moved on and made a life for myself with two beautiful boys and a wonderful husband that I truly love.

I am sure people wonder why do I put myself through going there over certain weekends? I do it for my family. Yes the preditor is there and he watches me, but every time I go there I get stronger and stronger. I stand on my own two feet and I am able to stand up for myself. I am me, I am a God's child and I live for now.

A few weeks ago my cousin confessed something to me or more like opened up to me. After I had left things started happening to her. Was it only her? Was there others? Did he hurt his kids, my nieces? All this goes through my mind. Did he only hurt the two of us. She looks like me, did he hurt her because he saw me in her? Why, why did this happen? I got out only for someone else to get hurt.

I saw things that made my heart break. How could he do that to her? He says he loves her, but then he does things like playing with someone elses breasts allowing someone to take pictures. Did my sister see it? Did she see what he was doing to her 'so called friend'. It breaks my heart, my heart bleeds for her and people say make a stand, but is it worth loosing my sister again after we started to become close again. I will loose my family and once again I'd be shut away.

There is a rumour going around that I slept with him, how can someone say that when they don't even know the story. A rumour that I get around, OMG are they that jealous? I was not that girl. I did not sleep around and I did not have an afair with him. So if you don't know the whole story you make up your own, or if you can't face the truth you make up a lie, that is how it works in my family. I got myself through those harsh times, being called names, being humilated and ashamed of who I was and ashamed of my body, but I looked up and worked to something more precious, living life, enjoying each moment and appreciating what I have. Do I forgive him? Yes I do. Do I trust him? No I don't. Never again will I be able to trust him like I did when I was a little girl, but I forgive him. I moved on. I followed my dreams and still am doing that. I have mended my broken heart. When I look at my kids I smile as I see something more precious and I thank God for the love he has sent me through them and through my husband. I walked a rough road and every day I still stumble and cry at things I can't get myself to do because of what had happend in the pass, but I remember that God is with me every minute and walks with me on that rough road and when I look I see a smooth path and not the rough road.

I remember what my cousin told me and I am happy that she told me as I now know that what everyone was telling me all those years about me lying, making up stories and dreaming was in fact not true. I had the will power and the strength of God to get out of the situation I was in. I was able to make a new life, able to get better, to heal my wound and able to forgive. Should I have done more, should I have fought for him to go to jail? What good would that have done if my sister was in danger. What would that have done for me, when what I needed was to be strong, when I needed to be healed. Yes they say speak your voice, but how can you speak your voice when you are hurting and forever will remain in that situation.

Facing my monster makes me stronger. Makes me know I have forgiven him for what he has done. Facing him shows me that he can't hurt me no more and if he tries I have the power to stand up and say no, stand up and let everyone know right there and then what sort of man he really is. Life goes on, hold on to your dreams. Listen to your heart and keep on finding yourself. Live for yourself for no one else, but yourself. Hold on to your dreams and strive for it. Don't let the hurt get you down, it is only hurt, the true love you find inside yourself is more rewarding then the hurt. Love, care and friendship mends what once was hurt. Learn to forgive, truly forgive, before you face your monster as hatred will just make you weaker. Trust in God to guide you. Ask him to show you the way and to walk with you on your rough road. Let him pick you up and carry you and help you to learn to trust and forgive. Forgive those who have done harm to you and trust those who truly love you. You are special don't let anyone say otherwise.

A New Year

Things have been going well. We are in a new year and hopefully things will still keep looking up and ahead.

I look at the boyz and see how quickly they are growing. In less then 2 months the older one will be 5 and they younger one turns 3 a month after his brother. It has been a challenge with boyz, especially the oldest son. He has become demanding and rude. It seems the world revolves around him, well actually it seems I revolve around him. We had a bad spat just before Xmas. I was about to cancel Xmas all together just because of it, but I realised in the heat of anger that I have two kids and it would not be fare taking the decorations down or not giving any gifts.

The tention between the two of us seemed to last forever and nothing seemed to work. Putting him in the corner, shouting at him, taking away things, nothing seemed to work. I was going nuts. So the next thing I did was I sat down took paper and began to write all the things that my 4 year old was doing, why he went to the corner, why I told him he won't be playing games and why I was writing this letter to Santa. It made him even more angry. He then lashed out telling me he was going to find another mother, he was running away and he hated me. It hurt me so much. He then came out the corner and walked outside opened the gate and told me he was leaving. Shouting he hated me. I was afraid of what the neighbours might think, but did not want to force him as I feared I'd hit him. I called his dad and told his dad to go and speak to him. I burst into tears to think that my 4 year old could say things like he hates me, he wishes he had a different mother. I love both boyz very much, but trying to do what is best for them is difficult. Do I give in every time he throws a fit and says those things or do I just persevere and keep punishing him the way I am doing? Well enough of that.

Lets see I still have this feeling of where is my life going? It feels as if it is standing still as if it ain't going anywhere. I went to be on the move, I want to be out there, but my husband is a person that just wants to stay indoors and play games all the time. I see what others are doing how they are overseas fulfilling thier dreams and I wish I was one of them. Now I feel like I got married too young. Everything boils down to money as my husband says, but why does it have to? Why can't one just have fun. I'd love to invite friends over and do things, but I always have this feeling of aaarrrrgggg what is Leo going to say? Spending more money, everything cost money, nothing I do is good enough. If I am not making the money then I can't spend it and even if I am making the money then I feel like he has control over it. It goes into his bank account. I do understand he does a lot and pays for alot of the things, but I feel like I am getting pocket money and not earning it. Oh well I guess that is life.

For now I am going to just persevere and move on. Focus on the good things and not the bad. This is going to be a good year I can feel it.

Who Am I

So my question goes on. Who am I?

There comes a time in your life where you believe you know yourself. You know what you want, what you need, who you want to spend the rest of your life with. A time where you want kids, but what people don't tell you is that question remains forever. There is always something popping up that makes you question yourself, your life and your future. Do you want to go on living in a fantasy world where you found your prince charming. A guy who is not like your dad who is a women beater, a cheater an abuser to his kids. A guy you love who you want to spend your life with, but something is missing in that marriage. At times he feels cold, he no longer is the guy you fell inlove with, the guy you got to know, instead you have a cold guy. A guy that is always on guard. You have a guy who makes you feel one minute like a princess and the next like you are draining him. I feel so like it is my fault and no matter how many times friends tell me people change I don't believe in that. You don't change over night. Even though he had helped me and was there for me I feel like that burden I had bestowed upon him has made him a bitter person. He got to see a side of me that no one had ever seen. He had seen things that I don't even remember had accurred. I understand why he is angry with my family. I see how he can hate them, but in me I feel like I forgave them and he could do the same. Isn't living about forgiving those who wronged you. Showing them that you can cope and that you are someone.

Sometimes I feel I get angry towards the boyz, they can be doing nothing, but the anger in me builds up that I shut them away at times. I guess my reason for that is that constantly I hear 'we shouldn't of had kids'. How would our life have been different if we didn't. More money, I don't think so. Have you ever felt trapped in your marriage? Have you ever felt that even though you have a good guy that loves you and that you love is trapping you in some way or the other. No he is not abusive. You feel you can't move on, you don't go anywhere. Yip I am a stay at home or more like a work at home mom. My house is a mess with clothes and toys all over. My life is a mess. I am suppose to be a mom who enjoys my boyz, but how do you do that when you are trapped in a marriage that doesn't give to much adventure.

I use to be a person that got out there, that went on adventures that met people. Now I am a person that stays at home that only meets people when they require her to do work for them. I don't get to go out there to meet people, to enjoy time on the beach or in a park with friends. Friends is another thing. Everyone around me seems so snobbish. If you aren't perfect you don't fit into their little circle of friends.

The few friends I did befriend had left. We still chat though and I enjoy her chat on skype, it is good to know I have that little connection to adults. Then there is my friend from Jo who moved down here. She is busy at the moment, busy getting things ready for her best friends wedding, she is a maid of honour. She took time to spend it with me on my birthday and when the wedding is over I am sure I'll be seeing more of her. She recently seperated from her husband.
I don't know how I will feel. Will I feel lost? Do we need to have a long break from each other to see how much we appreciate each other. I would have thought the times we spent apart over weekends would have made me feel that, but the more I stayed by my sister the more I felt my boyz were missing out on so much. The interaction my family has with one another, they don't get that. The more I did not want to go and the more I wanted to stay away from home. The more I felt like me and enjoyed me too.

I keep thinking maybe I need my drivers license, but then what would happen, would I just get in the car and go when ever I feel like. Is love really important or does love conquer everything. When I think of seperation I think of heartache. My eldest would miss his dad, so would my youngest, they are so fond of there father. The eldest though is daddy's boy. When it comes to his father he has his fathers way. He prefers to stay home and play games. Oooh don't get me on the game thing, it drives me insane. Day in and Day out Guild Wars, Guild Wars, Guild Wars. Nothing gets done. He sees I am struggling with the house, but still he does a bit and then he carries on with his game. We see him at his computer with the game first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

Well it is getting late and I guess I'd go and sit and watch something before falling asleep. I have a bit of a headache with all the questions popping in it.

Who Am I..........Will it continue or would I have found myself. Not sure if one ever totally finds themself.

My Birthday - Who Am I

My birthday was a week ago. It was nice, I went out with a very special friend which made my mid morning afternoon really nice. 4 hours with no kids, I love them, but it was heaven just having some me time. After 2pm I had to meet my husband where we then went to Macdonalds which the kids really loved, they got to play and still mommy did not have to worry about them too much as daddy took care of them. After that we came home and I slept. I was so exhuasted I needed the sleep. The evening part friends came around which we had a light meal. The boyz were excited because they got cake and sweets. They got to have a mini party. Some how though I feel I didn't do my 30th with a bang. When people turn 30 they have something special. A special party. I didn't get that. My husband isn't into parties. He isn't much for my family either. I live in two worlds. There is the world of my family and the world of my husband, but what about my world. What about what I want and I don't mean material stuff I mean my husband being happy spending time with my family. I mean him taking the time to enjoy my day. I had my 30th planned. I was gonna have a Greace party, with burgers, shakes and chips, it was gonna be my day, but that did not work out, because my husband wasn't into it. I made as if I was looking forward to turning 30, but infact I was not. I wanted something, I wanted my 30th to be special, but it was not. Friends told me that they were depressed when they turned 30. It was just another day for me. Yes my friend made it special and the wishes made it special, but one thing that I enjoyed dancing "my Greace Party" Karaoke Party did not happen. I'm moving on, but I still want to have something with the family, but still my husband does not, it cost money, it's too expensive, it this, its that. I hate it. I truly hate it. How can we be so different. I feel like I am lost, like I don't know myself anymore. Who am I?

Choosing, is it fair or unfair

On Saturday was my Son's Birthday. A few weeks ago we decided to have 3 in one Party for my niece, my son and my great nephew. All was going well until Friday when my husband snapped due to pressure at work, but taking it out on us. The issue of money came into it, then he didn't want to go to the party. When Saturday came we went. It was nice, but then my sister had baught my brother-in-law a cake and wanted us to stay a bit longer. My husband was upset with me, no upset is not the word, ANGRY. He gave me the cold shoulder all the way home. Then when we were home he didn't talk to me. I couldn't handle it, so I went to bed, which I did not get to sleep too well. This morning I felt ill I couldn't get up, actually I did not want to get up. I just wanted to stay in bed all day, but seen as my son wanted to open his gifts so he could play I pulled myself out for him. Then it hit me. My husband let out his feelings which was all very well and said I do it all the time, which is not true, then he told me that I need to decided what we should do about it. He spoke to a friend and that friend told him that he should have just drove away and left me there and he wouldn't take what I did it was wrong of me. It hurt, then after that he said 'either he leaves me or something needs to be done.' I understand he doesn't like going, but this is my family, my mom, my sister and it is not like we go every single day or every week or every month, but when we go it is a burden. How do you choose your family over your husband. How do you choose people you love. Does love matter anymore. What about the kids who never see my mom or my sister, their granny, their aunt, their cousins, etc. They miss out so much not seeing them. How do I keep them away. Some day my mom won't be around and how would I feel if she didn't get to see her grandchildren. We travelling a distance to husbands mom soonish, I don't want to go, but how can I say that, when she is family, when this is her grandchildren. I am not making a fuss about it. I am making light of it. The fact that he ever thought of 'leaving' me hurts, how can he think that, how can he say that. It hurt what he said and I still feel in shock and pain. My eyes are sore from crying, my blood feels like it boiling and my head feels like it is going to explode as I wonder is he right do we go our seperate ways. How can he push my love aside, My heart is in pain, it feels like I have been stabbed in the heart. I have lots of work to do. I can't even do that. I am just not thinking straight today. I can't get my thoughts in order. Let me take a deep breath and relax, I know I need to do that. I know I need to relax, but how can I when the 'leave' word hangs over my head. Has it really come to this in our relationship. All this over one incident. One stuff up, and the 'leave' word hangs over us. It is out there. It has been thought. Do I get out now before I get hurt more? What about the kids? It is there dad, what about my love for him? What? I ask myself countless times.

It Seems All Has Been Revealed

Time is short, I am extremely busy at the moment, don't have time to update this blog, but I really need a place to let out what I am feeling.

Yesterday I recieved an email from a person called your friend telling me to go to the baby site I use to chat on and all will be revealled, so not sure what they are talking about I go and read. Hurtful memeories of that day just flooded in. I could not believe what I was reading and 2 years later. 2 years of something I really did not have to read. What is the person suppose me to do thank them from just making my day hurtful. People seem to think that I have been told who sent me the email 2 years ago, but I don't till this day and when I saw the two names I was not shocked to see the one name, but shocked to see the other, but it is in the past and that is where it is needs to remain. What is upsetting is someone used my situation to get back at someone else and I am very upset about that. Yes I wanted to know who sent that email, but the way it was done was wrong. In time I hoped that who had sent it would own up and who would have let me know themselves and then maybe they could have gotten to know me better from there. It was really not nice the way the whole thing came out.

I have forgiven the person or two for what they did making me judge each day weather I am a good mom day in and day out, but each day I tell myself I do my best for my child. I went through a horrible patch in my life which everyone goes through some time in their life. I shared more then I should have on a place I felt comfortable and at home. A place where I felt that even if I got one reply gave me a bit more confidence to try the best I can, now I find that confidence within myself and my kids. I can see what sort of mom I am through them. There are days when I doubt myself, days when I close the door to one room, so I can be alone, even if it is for a second, but I know that me doing my best is what counts more then an email written years ago. This is where the email lies, this is where the horrible words, comments of a place I no longer feel comfortable posting lies. I have moved on and my boys are well and we are great.

On Saturday it is my oldest son's birthday and I am not going to let this site get me down just before his day which he is excited about.

Maybe if it is the people that were mentioned on that site that wrote that email, maybe some day they will have the dencency to let me know that they did it and maybe then we could chat about it, not on the board just the two or three of us, but for now I leave it to rest... Life is good, my boys are healthy and happy and loved.

Under The Weather

My mind is full of things right now. Something has happened that has left me feeling sad, hurt, angry, etc even though the thing had not happened to me. I cannot say too much about it, because it is best not, but it has brought back flashes, bad memories. I've been tired the whole week and this has just left my body feeling even worse. I feel like I am floating on air today. The boys are driving me mad and all I want to do is sleep, but if I am not intertaining the one then I am intertaining the other. I have no break at all. I am finding it difficult to run a business and look after the boys, but that is how things go right.